Friday, December 30, 2005

Out with the old

Amazing, isn’t it, how Christmas just… comes and goes. The stores put their displays up as early as September these days, and then the weeks (months) are spent thinking about it, planning for it, and shopping before it arrives.

And after the presents are unwrapped, the turkey eaten or put in the fridge for later, it’s like one of those summer holidays that seem like a vague memory as soon as you step off the plane, exchanging the hot sun, soft white sand and sisters from Scotland that take you under their wing, for the grey skies and drizzle that are somehow comforting, like being back in your own bed. For home.

Sometimes, but not often, my entire life seems to feel that way… as if I’m sharing someone else’s experiences but can’t quite feel them as if they were my own. A kind of disconnect somewhere. It doesn’t worry me too much, because I believe in looking forward, but I do wonder, now and again, what the boy who I once was would have thought of the man I am now. Would he have tried to change the course of events that have led to the here and now, or just sat back and enjoyed the ride? I'm so different to that boy now, I really don't think that I know the answer.

This will probably be my last post before the New Year, and I wanted to say how lucky (and grateful) I am to have stumbled across you guys out there. It’s strange but, in less “virtual” circumstances, I suspect many of us would become friends in a very real sense. And it makes the time spent writing, reading and commenting very worthwhile.

Happy New Year to all of you, and may 2006 be a wonderful one… a year that we all remember for the positive things that happen to and around us, and one that we spend looking - and moving - forward. Best to leave the past where it is.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

HNT 13

I was just sitting here, the house quiet, Lola asleep on the sofa next to me. No more emails to answer, the latest episode of Threshold watched, and the plates from dinner in the dishwasher waiting for the morning when they'll be joined by a cereal bowl and a coffee cup or two. Nothing obvious left to do before bed, but something, something, wasn't right.

And then I realised. It was coming up to midnight... to HNT. No new pictures, and my camera battery stubbornly refusing to charge. So I checked out Osbasso’s site, just to make sure we were back to normal this week, and guess what? He wants us to pick out our favourite shot from our own HNT archives, and post it agin, with an explanation as to why we've chosen it. Praise the Lord!

So, here it is then... HNT #1 and possibly my bravest contribution to date. Picked for just those reasons, which both seem pretty good to me, but reproduced with a little less manipulation this time around!

Happy HNT.


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A good Christmas

Well, I knew the present situation was going to be a disaster! No tree meant I had to leave them at the bottom of the kid’s beds but I thought I was relatively safe (I’d watched a couple of late movies and so didn’t venture into their rooms until about 3am). As I crept past S’s bed, carefully ensuring that there was no rustling of wrapping paper, he sat bolt upright and looked at me. “Has Father Christmas been yet, Daddy?” I froze to the spot, unable to hide the armful of presents or escape his room in time, but he just lay back down again and was fast asleep before I’d taken another step. Then, in the morning, O disappeared into the office with a handful or wrapping paper, and proceeded to carry out a detailed pen and handwriting analysis. She called me in after about 10 minutes and said “I know it’s you, Dad” and with that one sentence 11 years of fairy tales and mythology went straight down the toilet. Oh well… they went off with their Mum at around 1pm (not so bad… but I miss the old Christmases we used to have, badly), and I drove over to my Mum for a lovely Christmas dinner and an evening of crap TV and the usual banter with my brother, who drove up from Brighton for the day and then drove back down again later that night.

Our little holiday was brilliant… we arrived in Brighton on Boxing Day at around mid-day, checked into our hotel, and then went over to Bro’s house where I cooked dinner for everyone and we watched some TV and just chilled. In the evening we went back over to the hotel and sat in the bar paying Cranium (Cadoo, the kid’s version) and drinking into the early hours. Then, yesterday morning, Bro met us in the restaurant for breakfast and afterwards we went off to Brighton Pier, scene of many a landmark moment in the life of WDKY and one of my favourite places to take the children during the summer holidays each year. Mind you, it was snowing and bloody cold, although it didn’t stop us having a whale of a time.

After the pier we had some time to hang out back at the house and then we went to see King Kong, which starred one of my favourite actresses (Naomi Watts – remember her in Mullholland Drive?) and some guy who I think I saw recently in Jacket and who seems destined to become a bit of a heart-throb. Actually, I thought it was really good, and although it went on for about three hours the kids stayed awake and thoroughly enjoyed it. Bro met up with us afterwards, we went out for some dinner, and I was back home last night by ten, with the children tucked up in their own beds minutes later.

So… a good Christmas. Not perfect, but the kind of Christmas that many, many people with far less than I have would be thankful for. And, in truth that’s what I was. Thankful for what I have.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Bitter sweet

I’m very much aware that, although it might seem that I share some extremely personal aspects of my life with the world at large, a substantial part of that life, and who I am, remains private. Or, at least, has remained private to date.

For now, I think I’ll leave it that way, but I will touch upon something of my past in saying that the last couple of years have been, at times, incredibly difficult for a host of reasons, not least of which has been the need to somehow adapt to having my children with me for only half of each week. The nights I stay in our house alone are often spent trying to sleep in the almost tangible stillness. A stillness that seems to somehow dissipate when I know that those two little bodies, breathing softly and often covered in a little layer of sweat as they snuggle under their duvets, are just a few inches from me on the other side of my bedroom wall.

This life isn’t one that I would have chosen for us. My marriage, whilst not perfect in every way, was one that I believed to be solid, and I’d reached a stage in my life where I loved to be home, to do those simple things that we all have to do just to keep things going day to day. When that ended, it hit me harder than I imagined anything could, and quite a few months living on vodka and tranquilisers are certainly testament to the frailty that’s to be found even in those of us who think we somehow possess superhuman strength.

Well, a lot of things have happened in those two years, and my life now is very different, and for the most part as happy as I could ever have hoped it would be. Saying goodbye to my children on Christmas day, though, and watching them leave knowing that this Christmas – and all the others from now on – is one that I’ll only share a part of with them, still hurts, and always will. So, I’m dedicating this post in the same way as I’ve dedicated my life… to my children, and their happiness, not just over Christmas, but always. They don’t define who I am, but they do represent everything that’s important to me, and the main reason that I’m proud of the person that I've grown to be. Far from perfect, but at least heading in the right direction.

I’ll try to keep track of all the blogs I normally read over the next couple of days, but I know it’ll be difficult, so I’ll take this opportunity to wish everyone out there a really wonderful holiday, and sign off with an extract from The Little Book of Buddhism, written by none other than the Dalai Lama, and given to me as a present by a woman with whom I very nearly had something quite special, and might have done had our lives been a little more aligned than they proved to be…

A blossoming tree becomes bare and stripped in autumn. Beauty changes into ugliness, youth into old age, and fault into virtue. Things do not remain the same and nothing really exists. Thus appearances and emptiness exist simultaneously.

Thanks for the lovely comments, everyone

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Excitement at Chez WDKY

What an exciting day. The guy that’s been doing my printing just turned up with about 15 boxes… letterhead, brochures, report covers, compliment slips, business cards and flyers. The smell of all the paper is just gorgeous, and I now feel that the launch project is… well, complete. All on time, and just slightly over budget.

The news yesterday was that it looks like I have my first job, a kind of interim management role that involves carrying out a management audit and then putting a change strategy together. I need to sit down with the client – who I know, as he was trying to employ me direct earlier this year – but it looks like it may well take me through January and February for three or four days a week, and if that’s the case it’ll give me my revenue target up to the end of March. Anyway, time will tell and I’ll be hoping to get a contract in place before the end of the year. It’s so fucking exciting!!!

I also spoke to my bro today… he was coming up from Brighton for a couple of days over Christmas and I was planning to do some cooking on Boxing Day, but it seems that he can’t get anyone to feed the cats. By some miracle, I managed to get me and the kids booked into a hotel for the night, so we’re going down there instead, to skim pebbles on the beach and play on the pier. I proposed to my ex on Brighton pier, as it happens… mind you, I then pulled a muscle on one of the rides, and in hindsight that might have been something of an omen.

And still no tree – can you believe that? I’ve told the kids that Santa will either leave their presents by the fireplace or – if they’re really good – he may even leave them at the bottom of their beds. They’re completely overcome with excitement at the prospect, and I’ll just have to make sure I don’t trip over anything as I’m doing my Father Christmas impression. Somehow I think it might give the game away.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Weird things

Okay… I’ve been multiple-tagged, so here are 5 weird-ish things about me. I won’t prolong the chain as I think everyone’s had a go by now, and anyway, I don’t know who likes being tagged and who doesn’t.
  1. Although I chose to have a tattoo, I have an almost pathological fear of needles. The last time I went to have an insurance medical, I said to the consultant “Before you start, there are two things I need to tell you. One – there’s no way I’m having a blood test. And two – your finger’s not going anywhere near my arse.” He thought I was a lunatic.
  2. I like eggs, but only if I cover them with tomato ketchup. I would throw up without it, although years ago – after watching Rocky, I think – I went through quite a long spell of eating a raw egg (with pepper and Tabasco) for breakfast.
  3. I can't drink water out of a cup... it seems to taste vile, even if it's straight from a bottle. It has to be in a glass, and the glass has to be spotlessly clean. And I can't drink coffee out of a dark-coloured mug - I have no idea what that's all about, so don't ask me.
  4. I’m a compulsive tidyer. Sometimes it’s quite embarrassing, because people who come round think I’ve done it just for them. In fact, I generally go over the entire house a couple of times a week, including loos I hasten to add. You could eat off them, although I wouldn’t really recommend it.
  5. I get pisseed very quickly on beer, but can happily drink vodka all night without any sign of being inebriated. I can also do tequila quite impressively, and once had 14 slammers whilst remaining sober. Well, standing.
So… there you have it. And I’m in a very, very good mood at the moment, as it happens, because it looks like I’ve had a brilliant piece of news about the new company. I’ll know tomorrow, and don’t want to jinx it just yet…

Monday, December 19, 2005

All I want for Christmas...

Well, I seem to have a bit of a problem with my Christmas tree, in that… well, there aren’t any left. At least, if there are, I can’t seem to find them. It’s my own fault, because I was going to get one on Saturday and then again on Sunday, but life just got in the way. I’m going to have another try tomorrow, because I’m off to hang some pictures for Mum following the redecoration of her flat (that’s “apartment” for you foreigners) and then have a bite to eat with her. I’m not going to panic just yet, but the kids will string me up by the whatsits if I don’t manage to find one.

My cute lawyer (CL) called me today, and it seems that she had a similar view about our date to mine… phew! We’ve made arrangements to see each other again on Friday, and I’m really looking forward to it… there’s a kind of “normality” about it after the weirdo’s I seem to have hooked up with of late, so I’m really going to keep my fingers crossed. And not try to get inside her knickers (ahem) for at least another couple of dates :-)

As for BR, I must admit a bit of a frolic would be fun, but if I’m seeing someone else it’s absolutely out of the question (unfortunately). And I have a suspicion that the general consensus of opinion might be spot on, and that she wants a little more than a frolic. Naughty girl.

So, to what I want for Christmas, then. It’s not a lot to ask of Santa, I wouldn’t have thought… I mean, you’d get a bit of change from £200,000 if you were to actually buy it. I give you, then… the Aston Martin Vanquish.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

A date, an email, and one happy guy

I had a date last night, a lawyer of 40 who lives in north London and works as a Company Secretary for a merchant bank in the West End. She’s Indian (I will admit quite openly that I have a bit of a “thing” about Indian girls), really lovely company, and has a face that I had an urge to kiss all night.

We met in a newly refurbished gastro-pub in Crouch End (one of my favourite areas, kind of bohemian and a bit arty, but not too pretentious) that was recommended to me by one of Zooz’s daughters. I hadn’t been there before, but it was perfect… a really nice ambience, not too bright with lots of soft, moody lighting and full of big, soft leather sofas to sit on. The restaurant was equally good, with a great menu and excellent service.

We arrived at 8.30 and didn’t leave until 1am, hardly realising that all the chairs around us had been stacked on the tables. The conversation was really easy, and it felt like we were just skimming the surface and that it was just going to get better the longer we spent together. After we left I walked her back to her car and asked her if I should call her after the weekend. And then we just kissed and she said “You’d better!” Her lips were full and soft, and I just thought “Mmmmmm”…

I got back home at about 1.30 and saw I had a few emails waiting. Ironically, one of them was from BR, who I’d emailed a day or two ago, just to make sure she was okay with what had happened between us. I would have hated for there to have been any misunderstanding, and I just wanted her to know that I hadn’t taken what happened for granted in any way. Her mail, though, was a surprise, and I went to bed feeling kind of happy with life whilst wondering quite how to respond…


Just got in and it was a lovely surprise hearing from you.

I soooo enjoyed last week and thought you were an interesting and very sensuous guy. I feel we have lots in common even though you're not into hip hop!

I certainly felt I wanted to see more of you and you never know where things may lead. Whether we could be boy/girl friend is in the lap of the gods. I never look ahead with romantic encounters but just experience what the moment has to offer.

You are a wondrous lover and a very sensitive man (please note… Ed). I believe we could have lots of fun. Your sense of humour is wicked and I adore your little pussy cat!!

Why not come over to chez BR one evening and just live in the moment -

that's the only reality you know.............

In fact, wish I was with you right now xx

You’ll have to excuse the fact that – other than for our names – I posted that completely unedited, but a little self-promotion is allowed in the run-up to Christmas, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m off for a run now, then I have to sort out Mum’s new TV for her (she’s done something to the colour balance and doesn’t know how to adjust it again) and get our Christmas tree… the kids are going to help decorate it this evening. Busy day, but I feel content with the world, and my place in it.

Friday, December 16, 2005


Today, the kids at the school were all performing their carol concert for whichever parents reckoned they could withstand the cacophony of noise that represents the height of the little darling's blossoming musical prowess. Out of tune and out of time, somehow these concerts still manage to be an experience I wouldn’t miss, and today was no exception. Both of mine were near the front, and (whilst I knew I really shouldn't) I had them in hysterics most of the time, although they just about managed to pull it off without upsetting any of the staff or getting one of those looks from the headmaster.

It got me thinking about when S, the younger of the two at eight and a half, was a toddler and first started performing in school plays. He’d always look for me in the audience and wave, but on one occasion he got a little carried away and started blowing me kisses from the stage. He was so involved in what he was doing that he forgot that he was also supposed to be delivering his lines, and instead just carried on, putting his little hand to his mouth and then thrusting it in my direction, completely oblivious to everything going on around him…

Anyway, today he blew me a kiss again as he was filing out, and I realised that he’s still just the same little boy. I know it won’t last forever, but I’m going to enjoy every second of it. And try not to think about his sister blushing when any of the older boys walk past her, or going up to her bedroom before we go out to put on her nail varnish or her body spray (I got her some new ones the other day and you’d think she’d won the lottery) and generally getting… well, older. I remember a quote from Bruce Willis when he was asked by an interviewer how he would cope when his daughter started dating boys. He said “When the first one turns up at the door I’ll just punch him in the mouth and hope that word gets around!” ROFL!!

So, today was also memorable for being my last working day as an employee, and it felt fucking wonderful. I got to the office at around lunchtime, and spent the next couple of hours drinking Guinness in the pub around the corner. I’m not really sure where the afternoon went, but the meetings earlier this week had gone really well, so there was no pressure today at all. And no regrets either… I couldn’t wait to get out of the door this evening.

A good day, then. And now I’m off to catch up on what’s been going on out there, and make up for the few days I’ve been unable to read and comment. Thanks for all your kind words following HNT, and have great weekends.

PS I just noticed that I've been tagged by Annalis, and whilst I don't normally respond I'm going to make an exception this time. It'll have to be tomorrow, though.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

HNT 12

Well, I must say thank you for all those inspirational comments. I got through today, not quite with flying colours but well enough. … Mind you, I had two hours sleep last night, and have just finished work tonight in preparation for my last ever meeting as a ****** ******* employee tomorrow. I hand my laptop and phone back on Friday, and then I’m just going to look forward to the holiday and not even think about anything else for a week or two.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago my daughter, O, asked me if I had a picture for “that Thursday thing” and then asked if she could take another one of my tattoo. Now, I’m not one to disappoint my children, so here’s another example of her excellent photographic technique! And, with that, I’m going to get myself ready for bed and try to get a little more sleep tonight than I managed yesterday. Oh, and have a very happy HNT :-)

Check out what all the fuss is about here...


Tuesday, December 13, 2005


It's not that I've lost interest, or that I can't be bothered, but I'm really struggling to find the time to post or comment on other blogs this week. The truth is, I've got myself in a little bit of trouble.

I'm in my last week proper of salaried employment (then I'm on annual leave for the rest of December) and the chickens seem to have well and truly come home to roost. I've completely neglected the project I should have been working on over the last month as I've been concentrating on setting up the new company (and, admittedly, fast losing interest anyway) and I learnt this afternoon that I have a pretty high-powered meeting to bluff my way through tomorrow, and then a higher-powered still meeting with the prospective client on Thursday. And they're a bit too smart for me to get away with bluffing. I'm going to make an absolute prat of myself.

So, I guess it means a couple of late nights (it's about midnight here at the moment, and I have at least 2 hours work to do before bed) and no doubt some work over the weekend. It'll teach me a lesson, but even as I saw the danger signals I was incapable of doing anything about it. I JUST WANT OUT.

Well, as panicking is unlikely to help I'm just going to accept the deep pile of shit that I've buried myself in and face the consequences. I blame you lot, anyway, for getting me addicted to this blogging business in the first place!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Something of a confession

First of all, thanks for all the kind wishes with regard to the explosion in Hemel Hempstead. We’re not close enough to have been in any danger, but there’s something slightly weird in being pretty adjacent to an event that achieves global news coverage… and the skies were very dark indeed. Anyway, we’re all fine, and the wind seems to have shifted today because the plume is heading off in the other direction.

Right then. Saturday night… all started normally enough, other than the fact that BR parked her car at my house as it was en route to the restaurant that we were eating at. I had a bit of a chuckle at her parking as I stood at the door (so shoot me!) and then she came in and we had a glass of wine and talked for a while. She was… nice, but I knew immediately this wasn’t going to be a romance. But I thought it had potential to be a fun evening, and that was fine.

We left for the restaurant about half an hour later, and had a great meal. She was very tactile (my hands, arms and legs all got a bit of a feel at the table) and she kept making sexy eyes at me over dinner. At one point I burst out laughing and asked what “that look” meant, and she just grinned back at me. She was certainly funny, though, and we had a really good time. I drove us back to mine, asked her if she wanted a quick coffee, and assumed she’d be gone within the hour. Honestly.

The thing is, as we were sitting having a drink on the sofa, albeit slightly more alcoholic than coffee, her hand kept moving between her legs, and all the while her pupils were getting bigger and bigger. The conversation became a little more… personal, and then she just stopped talking and stared at me, her hand resting where it had been wandering moments before. “Looking at me like that isn’t going to get you anywhere…what is it you want from me?” I asked her.

“I just want to live for the moment. Fuck me” she said, without batting an eyelid. And we decided there and then that that’s all it was going to be. Two adults, no ties, and an immediacy about the need we felt. That was around midnight, and she left some time after 4.30 having had what she claimed to be the fuck of her life (I bet she say’s that to all the boys). I must have fallen asleep around 5, slept through three large explosions that woke up entire families 40-50 miles away, and then got up thinking it was just another Sunday.

And here’s the thing. I’m not stupid, and I know what and who I am. I’m no Greek god; I’m just a normal looking guy, a bit shorter than average, who happens to be able to engage with women, on all levels, more easily than most guys seem to do. But every time I take someone out, they just want to drag me into bed for some marathon shagging session, and I genuinely don’t understand what it’s all about. If I did know, I’d try to do something to stop it, because it’s slightly weird and I don’t seem to put up enough resistance.

Oh well. It could be worse, of course. At least it’s women.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Not just another Sunday

"A series of large explosions at a fuel depot which injured 43 people has been described as the 'largest incident of its kind in peacetime Europe'.

The three blasts near Hemel Hempstead were so powerful they rocked houses up to 40 miles away and were heard in Holland.

More than 60 billion gallons of fuel erupted in a ball of flames hundreds of feet in the sky, creating an acrid cloud of smoke which is stretching for miles and moving south-eastwards."

Well, I've got no idea if this has made the news stateside, but Hemel Hempstead is about 12 or 13 miles from me, and from my upstairs window I've been able to make out the plume of smoke rising from the fire at ground level quite clearly. The skies have been a dark grey as far as the eye can see, and the air, whilst not having any discernible smell, has been heavy. Everyone around here has headaches, and many are feeling sick.

And, as you would expect, people have actually been having fights in local petrol stations as they queue to fill up their tanks, even though they've been told categorically that there isn't going to be a petrol shortage. Amazing.

I was fast asleep through all of the blasts, which occurred between 6 and 6.30am, even though they were loud enough to be clearly heard in mainland Europe. I had a bit of a wild time last night, and having finally drifted off at around 5 I awoke at 10 and wandered downstairs to make a coffee. When my ex phoned to ask me what I thought about "the explosion" I had no idea whatsoever as to what she was talking about.

How embarrassing is that?

P.S. I'll reveal a little more (maybe even a lot more) about last night... tomorrow. I'm still in recovery.

Saturday, December 10, 2005


What a strange mood I’ve been in… I can’t quite explain it, but it’s as if the world has been going on around me for the last couple of days, and I haven’t been fully… engaged. Maybe I’ve had a bit of a bug, maybe it’s just the whole GG thing, I don’t really know, to be honest.

I feel like I’m about to reach another watershed in my life. The work situation is a part of it, but really it just symbolises a decision making process that’s been going on for some time. A need to escape the conformity of what I was doing, surrounded by men in grey suits, files stacked up on their desks, thinking nothing of working 18 hour days to further the corporate aim. I have this need to be an individual in a world where too many people want to be anonymous.

More than that, though, I’ve taken the opportunity to re-evaluate my principles, and the things that are important to me. This is nothing new, but the last email I received from GG was a kind of polite character assassination… a knife hidden beneath the folds of a silk scarf, and as she carefully dissected me I hardly felt the blade cut my skin. It was that sharp. Looking back, this is an occasion – unlike some from the depths of my past – when I feel that I acted properly and have absolutely nothing to feel uncomfortable or guilty about. I’m not prepared to take someone else’s problems and make them my own. Life is tough enough without that crap.

Anyway, I think I’m going to enjoy the weekend… the kids are sleeping in my bed, I’ve just had an email from BR confirming our arrangements for tomorrow, and on Sunday I’m going to escape to the fantasy world of Narnia with a bag of popcorn and maybe some cheese nachos. And I’ll catch up on all those blogs I enjoy so much. I’m just going to have a... “normal” weekend.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

HNT 11

Okay, I'll be honest with you. I've had a really busy week, and for the last two days, on and off, I've had a blinding headache. Where am I going with this? Well, this week I didn't get around to playing with my camera. Sorry.

So, what you are now bearing witness to is the consequence of a very hot summer in Tenerife. No, I wasn't pointing at anything, and yes, the sandals are a bit naff. But hey, I was on holiday.

Happy HNT


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Not quite according to plan

I shouldn’t be here, writing this post, of course. I should be out with the lovely BR, drinking vino collapso and wondering what sagas are heading my way as a consequence of my apparent inability to take the intended dating sabbatical.

Unfortunately, she has a cold and a temperature, and we’ve postponed our date until Saturday. In fact, I was at a restaurant with M (remember M?) amongst other people when she texted me to say she might not be able to come out. The message tone on my mobile appeared to cause some amusement, and I explained that it was my intended date for tonight getting in touch. M said “Oh, the blond” and gave me a knowing look. I forget sometimes that I’m not quite as anonymous as I once was!

At least it’s all quiet on the GG front. Well, not entirely as I got a very, very, very long email last night in which my character was clinically and completely assassinated. Then she finished with “I would like to thank you for all the joy you brought to my life…”. Errmm, yes, GG. You’re welcome.

Anyway, I found this little delight while I was surfing blogs the other day, and now I can’t remember where I found it. Sorry if I haven’t given you credit, but it does make you think twice about organic food, doesn’t it. Oh, you need to click on the image to get some live action.

Right, I’m off to watch some football.

(Edit/PS After hours of playing with this bloody typepad code, I've finally managed to change the way the comments are presented on the page. Hopefully they're a little more legible now.)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Random thoughts 12

Well, my prayers have been answered. Peace has finally descended on Chez WDKY, with only the sound of my latest DCD album to break what would otherwise be almost complete silence (“almost complete” because the dishwasher’s gently whirring in the background). No text messages, no phone calls. I’ve been thinking back over the whole relationship thing with GG, and have realised that, yet again, I should have gone with my intuition. The older I get, the more I understand that what I feel is more important than what I think. Or, at least, more reliable.

Anyway, tomorrow I have a date. I didn’t really intend it to happen, but kind of got caught up in it, and now, I admit, I’m getting quite excited. And I don’t mean haven’t-had-sex-for-nearly-a-month excited, I mean I’m genuinely looking forward to it. Today, she (I’m going to call her BR, for “Blond Recruiter”. Not that she recruits blonds, more that she is blond, and she recruits) sent me an email that just said “You make me feel so good xx”, and I really thought that was sweet. She makes me feel good too, so we’ll see how it goes.

Now, I know that the one thing readers of this blog have been waiting for with a degree of expectation is a photo of my new cupboards actually placed in the office I have at home. Well, wait no longer. Please note, however, the less than subtle variation in colour between cupboards and desk. Grrrr.

The kids are beside themselves with excitement at the fact that we now have a stationery cupboard in the house. Yesterday, I came downstairs and overheard O (daughter, 11) explaining to S (son, 8) what he was allowed to take without having to ask Dad first. The fact that she was talking in a barely audible whisper seemed to suggest that she realised there was something very slightly illicit about it all, and it seemed to me that her list included pretty much anything in there. But they looked so beautiful kneeling by the cupboard with their little heads almost inside it that I really couldn’t care less. They love to draw and to write, and its just a pleasure to make them so happy. God, I do love them…

Sunday, December 04, 2005

GG. Oh, and a footnote about Emma

Well, I know I should probably post something of an update on the ongoing saga of GG, and it started at around 10.00 this morning when I got the first of 11 texts in less than three hours. I’m not even going to bore you by telling you what they said. Suffice it to say that if my mobile phone wasn’t brand new, and if it didn’t have a 2 megapixel camera, and if it didn’t synch with Microsoft Outlook… well, it would have been in the bin by lunch time.

So, after a brief chat with Zooz, I decided that the time had come to send GG "the email"… just to let her know I wasn’t amused, and letting her know that enough was enough. This was what I said, anyway, and no – I couldn’t bring myself to be rude to her, I’m afraid.

I'm really sorry that you're finding things difficult at the moment. Whilst I feel for you, and I'm sad that the situation has become so confused, by the same token I have to focus on the things that I've mentioned to you previously. For that reason, I'm asking you to stop texting and calling me. I really don't want this to spoil my memory of the time we spent together, which it will do if things continue as they are. I'm afraid this contact between us must stop now.

I hope you'll respect what I'm asking you, and I hope you keep well, flourish with your photography and continue to enjoy your life generally.


Now, any normal person would no doubt have read it, taken in what was being asked, and accepted that all good things must come to an end. Not GG, of course. Oh no, that would be much too simple. Ten minutes after hitting the send button, she left the following message on my voicemail…
“WDKY, there’s nothing I don’t love about you. I even love your stubbornness.”
Aaaaaaggghhh!!! You have to laugh though, don’t you. So, this evening I received an email, and although it wasn’t exactly black and white (in fact it was a bit too fucking ambiguous for my liking) I have a feeling that – in not replying to it – this sorry mess has reached its conclusion. Looking back, I don’t feel uncomfortable with anything I’ve done, or with any way that I’ve behaved. I guess it just goes to show how hard it is to really know someone, because of all the people I’d never have predicted that GG would induce this particluar end to our relationship. Shame.

Anyway, before I sign off for the night and record a little something for Nukie pre-deadline, Check asked what it was that Emma whispered in my ear on Friday night at the party. Actually, it was this… “I’ve never met a man like you before in my entire life. I want to eat you.” And now I intend to get just a little bit morose about it, because I really wanted her. Really wanted her.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

It's madness

It’s not easy, getting through the day on less than three hours sleep. The party, as it turned out, was excellent… notable for the fact that I told Dick’s wife in a moment of drunken honesty that he “was okay when he was pissed, but I couldn’t bear working with him”. Hmmm… probably not a good idea in retrospect. He actually revealed, believe it or not, that the two of them spend evenings at home watching a DVD of a fake log fire on their plasma TV. They also have another DVD of tropical fish swimming in fish tanks, complete with gurgling noises. Hey, it sounds wild over at Dick’s place, doesn’t it?

There was one blindingly beautiful girl at the party who was with one of the guys in my team. She was small and blond, and was wearing the sexiest little silky dress thing. Her name was Emma, she was from up North, and we talked for most of the night without even realising it. And strangely, most of the conversation was about masturbation, female sexuality, the desire for control in a relationship, male and female attitudes towards homosexuality, and various other subjects equally strange for two people who had literally just met. When I decided enough was enough at about 2.30 in the morning and said I was going to bed, she gave me a kiss and whispered the loveliest thing in my ear, leaving me – not for the first time – rueing the vagaries of timing. Because, in other circumstances… well, I just have a funny feeling about her.

Now, all this would have been fine if I wasn’t yet again besieged by text messages, and last night I actually got 23 in the space of 2 hours. In the end, I had to switch my phone to “silent” but in a way the damage had already been done as it kind of put me on edge. I’ve wanted to give you a glimpse of the telephone hell that I’m going through at the moment, and having thought long and hard about it I don’t feel that I’m being disrespectful in doing so. I mean, I’ve described so much in intimate detail already… well, here they are. All 23, in the order they were sent.

  1. we are the same
  2. you are still making love to me
  3. there are many things you haven’t explored
  4. do you feel my breast in my hand
  5. do you feel my desire
  6. I want to see your smile again
  7. my skin is burning
  8. you are strong
  9. do you like me less now
  10. I like you more
  11. do you realise we have never argued
  12. have you ever been mad at me
  13. I have never been mad at you
  14. four months tomorrow
  15. I’ve put your music away
  16. it was worth meeting you…
  17. worth the pain
  18. no-one so undemanding as me
  19. the first day you picked me up at the station…
  20. did you say you were not afraid of my sexuality
  21. you should…
  22. you might have finished it but I haven’t
  23. I felt like crying all day

It’s fucking madness. Tomorrow, though, it gets sorted once and for all.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Vodka, Dick and a very late night

I’m posting a little bit early today, as I won’t be around this evening. I have my team’s Christmas party to attend at a Hotel near Heathrow, and it’s going to be an overnighter due to the copious amounts of vodka that I’ll no doubt be consuming.

I must admit that I’m not particularly motivated by this one… I only have a couple of weeks left, taking unused leave into account, and frankly I’d be just as happy if they got on with it themselves. The only good thing is that Dick’s also coming. Now Dick and bars don’t tend to mix very well, and he invariably gets himself in a state of such complete drunkenness that he can barely speak. And when he does speak, anyone within earshot tends to cringe at the juvenile drivel that escapes his lips. Bearing in mind that I frankly couldn’t give a flying fuck what I say to him anymore, this looks like a recipe for fun!

Actually, I’ve been trying to remember if there are any babe’s worthy of mention in the team, as I doubt very much that I’ll be on my best behaviour. Unfortunately, unless there have been any new starters lately that I’ve forgotten about, my only chance of a shag will be with the staff. Naturally I’ll keep you advised of any developments in this respect…

Things were looking pretty stable on the GG front – I was going to speak to her over the weekend to make a plan to meet up some time next week – and then last night happened. Thirteen texts in the space of one hour. I’ll say that again… thirteen texts in the space of one hour. Now, I’m trying to deal with this the right way, but the chances are that if it happens again there won’t be any meeting up next week. I’ve had an interesting exchange of emails on this very subject, and will probably post about it over the weekend. In the meantime, don’t panic, Nukie. The 5th isn’t until Monday.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

HNT 10

Well, the last few shots have been becoming ever tamer, so I thought I might just start reverting a little to my earlier style and show a glimpse of flesh below the neck. And just as I was wondering what to do about it, my daughter asked if she could play with my camera while I was in the middle of my morning work-out the other day, and this is her handiwork (she's only 11, bless).

It's ironic that I was asked earlier today for a bit of bicep and forearm, because this photo was already lined up as #10. A healthy mind and a healthy body... it works for me. Happy HNT.