"No. 3 in a series of 3 - Jeans"

I must admit, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do for the end of the jeans series. I knew I wasn't going to give anyone a "cock shot", of course (come on, did you really expect me to?). So, I had a think, and first of all, came up with this.


Well, it's okay... but I can't say I was particularly happy with it. And then I thought "What about a 2 for the price of one"? So, off came the Levis, and out came the camera. Again.

Thanks, everyone, for stickling with it, and I hope this finale hasn't been too much of a disappopintment. I must admit, it's been fun for me!

Happy HNT

Stumble It!

Some days just don’t go as planned, and yesterday, in truth, was one of them. It was a day when it felt like all my recent hopes were taken by the hard and calloused hand of fate and squeezed until the life drained out of them. As I sat in the half-dark of the early hours of the morning, cigarette glowing in the ashtray and a cold breeze hitting my face from the open window, I realised, yet again, that our sphere of influence is small indeed. That aside from taking responsibility for our own actions, we can do little but watch as the world spins crazily around us like a roulette wheel.

Anyway, I was saying that yesterday didn’t go as planned. I spoke to A in the morning, and we were just talking about some of the things he had to get done to deal with the practicalities of living in England. Getting a national insurance number, registering with a doctor and dentist, getting a SIM card for the mobile phone I gave him, that kind of stuff. ("SIM card? What's a SIM card?")

A: Actually, Dad, I booked a flight this morning.

Me: A flight? A flight where?

A: Back to New York. I go on 7th April.

Me: Oh… okay. Well, I said I’d support you whatever decision you made… I guess I wasn’t expecting such a… quick decision, though.

A: I know, Dad. But S and I have been emailing again. I think I love her.

Me: Ah, yes… love.

So I was pondering on the meaning of love and, I guess, allowing myself to dwell on the last couple of years, what the future might hold for me, and life in general. Nothing new, really… I’m a thinker, and when you’re a thinker you learn very quickly to just take the rough with the smooth. As I dragged on my cigarette I saw the little pop-up window on the corner of my laptop screen, telling me that I wasn’t the only one awake at that ridiculous hour. It was an email from CFG.

Tonight, I had my second "bang on the head" of the recent couple of weeks ....one gave me my dreams...the second one got me back into reality. I have 95% chances to be obliged to go back to France soon... It's unexpected....and I do not like this idea at all. Everything is going too fast now... Sometimes, you want things to move and nothing happens...and suddenly, everything starts moving....and you are not ready...or it's just too much at the same time. I will stop and have a look into my stars.... Have a safe trip to Oxford......make Thursday come faster, faster, faster...I'm sure you can do it. It seems that you beat me with children, but I beat you with the lifes.

And then, minutes later,

It's late....I think you are in bed by now. Sorry, I shouldn’t have "unburden" my day to you, especially by mail, especially today. I feel stupid and I'm angry after myself. We will talk… do not worry…or try...

I poured myself a very large Scotch, had another cigarette, and took myself wearily off to bed.

Stumble It!

I think it's fair to say that it's been a bit of a weekend. A arrived at Heathrow at 8 o'clock on Saturday morning (of course, I was at the wrong terminal as I didn't know he flew in via Dublin), and has now gone off to stay with friends. After some time spent in which my children got acquainted, he and I had a great meal together in a local Chinese restaurant last night. Then, yesterday, a morning talking and looking at old photos, before going to lunch at the oldest pub in the UK (in St Albans, a city in Hertfordshire with Roman origins, and known then as Verulamium). But more on that tomorrow. There are lots of... complexities arising out of a fairly fraught and difficult past, but we seem to be okay. It was quite an experience, looking at him sitting opposite me, and realising that he's an adult now. Almost.

Then, and in fact I've just got home, a rather amazing night with CFG, that's left both of us seriously wondering if we knew each other in another life. But, again, that can wait for now, because this is, of course...


It might be obvious by now that I'm a big fan of Tricky, Massive Attack and Faithless, and all are related in the sense that they are a part of the musical revolution coming out of Bristol in the south west of England. Not unlike the scene in Manchester many years ago (and, in fact, more recently too), just a different genre. So, this week, it's Tricky, and a track called Pumpkin. Enjoy!



(Come on... help me get Musical Monday up and running. Post some music, and feel free to use the image/link. They are very good legs.)

Stumble It!

Okay… to quickly answer a comment from Lee Ann a couple of days ago about my voice… you can hear it if you want to. Although it’s a little embarrassing. It’s here, actually.

Kimmyk also mentioned that I always seem to be “with” somebody, so I thought I’d just mention that – in the 2½ years I’ve been single again - I spent 8 months seeing a rather gorgeous red-headed girl, and then, some time later, 4 months with GG. That leaves about 18 months when I’ve just indulged in some light hearted dating or, in fact, have been very much on my own.

Red had a body to die for. When she undressed, she’d stand at the edge of the bed and then turn her back to me, bending down as she lowered her panties to the floor so I could look longingly at her perfect little arse. She was sexy, but mad. Probably as mad as GG, and I don’t think I need to clarify that any further, do I?

So, CFG and I have been out again. It’s strange, because instead of the indifference I’ve felt for a while, my heart beats more quickly when I think about her. When we don’t speak, I want to hear her voice. Neither of us can sleep, and whilst our verbal communication has to take account of her… Frenchness, there’s no lack of communication. It’s in the eyes, and in the touch.

Last night, she'd arranged for her son to be "somewhere else", and after dinner we walked back to her apartment with a kind of mounting expectation. But as I kissed her I could feel her shaking... she was terrified. And I told her it wasn't going to happen yet... although, I must admit, I was more than ready. I've decided that we're going to wait for a while.

I have no idea what all of this means, but time will tell. My problem is that I’m in love with the concept of love itself, so I have to watch myself. It’s a dangerous business.

Stumble It!

Well... we're a little bit closer then. Still another week to go, and there has to be a grand finale, of course. But at least we're getting there.

"No. 2 in a series of 3 - Jeans"


Happy HNT

Stumble It!

Well, it seems that Musical Monday was quite well received. I don't have any expectation that because I like something everyone else who listens to it will like it too, but I think it's a good thing to be exposed to music that might pass us by otherwise. And my own taste is kind of unusual, as may become apparent over the weeks, so I am going to consider MM as something of a public service. That way I won't feel guilty when things get a bit more extreme! (I have one track that's particularly extreme in mind, and I'm smiling to myself as I think about it!) Anyway, it would be nice if we managed to start a blog trend between us, wouldn't it? So feel free to follow suit, and have a look here if you want more info. Exciting, isn't it?

Going back to my last post, I did slip in a little something that Ruthie spotted, and that was dinner in Belsize Park the other evening. Ruthie, you are very observant, and I must admit that I did happen to stumble across a rather cute French girl who, from here on in, I'll refer to as CFG. CFG and I seemed to hit it off, and there was some rather intense eye contact and finger touching going on. She amazed me at one point by absent-mindedly taking my hand as she sat at the table and just holding it against her lips... there was an intimacy about it that was quite unexpected. But nice.

We've been in contact since, and plan to go out on Thursday this week. But I just thought I'd ask anyone who's been around for a while if this email is reminiscent of anybody... tell me what you think:

You have a nice and smooth way to tell everything....nothing to add...or too many.
H (her son; Ed) was not well at all on sunday....but the worst is over!
So, when do you squeeze me in your agenda ? Thursday?.....I will be working until 5.30-6.00....

CFG

See what I mean? Could this be GG without the instability? And more importantly, why am I attracted to women who speak pigeon English? So many questions...

Stumble It!

Okay... if you're here, chances are that you've followed the Musical Monday image link and are thinking about joining the biggest craze never to sweep the blogoshere.

So here's the deal. If you want to do it too, then - just do it. But put this link on your post and preferably in your sidebar. And then post some music, referring in your post to Musical Monday (of course) and doing it on... well, Monday(s)!

<a href="http://wdkylondon.blogspot.com/2006/03/musical-monday.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y123/LightestTouch/mmwithcolour.jpg" border="0" height="160" width="120" /></a>

Anyway, before the first of these aural extravaganzas, just a quick apology for not posting or commenting for a couple of days... Saturday was actually really busy, and the day's frenetic activity ended with a nice dinner in one of the more interesting North London suburbs (Belsize Park, if you were wondering). Then, on Sunday, something really wierd happened. I sat down to do a bit of blogging, and you know what? I thought "Fuck it... I really can't be bothered today". So I didn't.

And it's now less than one week before A, my son in NY, comes over. It feels very strange... like the comfort zone in which I've been living is about to be tested. The children (here) are very excited, and so am I... it's just that I know it might not all be plain sailing. But I think we'll be alright. (And I have a ready made babysitter, of course!!)

Right... music then. To start with this is Don't Look Down, by Tindersticks. Know them? You should... and have a listen to Curtains, their best album, if you get the chance. In fact, just buy it. Trust me.



"Spend dying time with your eyes on the ground, looking for the stars"... know that feeling?

Stumble It!

Well… I guess it was always going to happen. I spoke to Cute Lawyer a couple of days ago, and I could just detect something in her voice that indicated all was not well. When I asked her what was wrong, she eventually told me that she felt I was “holding back” a little. Making myself less available emotionally than she knew I could be.

It’s funny, but I’d been thinking about Saturday, when I had planned to make her dinner, and knew that we’d probably end up in bed. It’s been bothering me quite a bit, in fact, because I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that it wasn’t necessarily going to be sustainable. So – to cut a long story short – I suggested that we stop seeing each other, and at least it’s happened before there’s anything to feel particularly uncomfortable about. Although I am feeling a bit “tingly”… does that count as uncomfortable? Particularly after a bit of delicious flirting earlier today, although that’s another story. (One that I won't be sharing, I'm afraid.)

Anyway, it’s been manic activity over here, as I have a business meeting in Dublin soon and I forgot that my passport was stolen during the burglary. Lots of running around, and a rather stubbly new photo that wouldn’t quite come up to HNT standards. I look like a hit man who’s lost his razor.

Have a lovely weekend, one and all, and thanks for all the comments from yesterday (aside from the bloke who was going on about rimming… sorry, that one had to go!). Oh yes, and now I've disvovered how to upload my favourite music to my blog posts, Musical Monday starts in... three days!

Stumble It!

Stumble It!

I must admit I find it hard to believe, but somewhere between the posting of this entry and the next, the number of hits on WDKY will exceed the 30,000 mark. It’s amazing really… we all start off not knowing who, if anyone, will want to read about the minutiae of our lives, but somewhere along the way the momentum gathers and we seem to find an audience. What we believe will be a relatively unimportant element of our interface with the outside world becomes far more important than we would ever have imagined. Welcome to the world of the blog.

This – my – blog was started with the sole purpose of putting some thoughts down on “paper”… something to mark my passage through an interesting phase of my life, a phase of change and adjustment. And perhaps something to look back on when I need to put my life into some kind of perspective. Somewhere along the way, it’s possible that I forgot this purpose, and began to write with an audience in mind. Is this a bad thing? Does it make what I say any less authentic? I suspect the answer to both questions is no… well, it’s a definite no to the second, I assure you. I want what I write to be a true account of who I am; I think it has been and my intention is that it always will be. And I suspect that those who happen to have stumbled across me in “real life” would be quick to point out any inconsistency between the person they know me to be and the persona who presents himself to the world through this particular medium. It’s a useful control measure, isn’t it?

Reality is a strange thing… we all have our own version that we construct around us, and I suspect that a lot of people who regularly stop by to read my (sometimes inane) ramblings will understand what I mean when I say that there’s a definite “reality” to this process we call blogging. It can be uplifting, cathartic, therapeutic… all of those things, but it also allows us a glimpse inside the thoughts and the worlds of others who are willing to share some very intimate parts of themselves. There’s a commonality to our motives, even if the approach is different. And it’s a community that I’m glad I discovered.

It's not a phrase I normally use, but I'm tempted to sign this one off by saying “keep it real”, and I hope you know what I mean. Authenticity is important, and authenticity is what I give you. What else do I have (well, aside form the odd glimpse of flesh)?


Darkneuro, I do believe number 30,000 was you! Choose your gift...

Stumble It!

I’ve been thinking about this, because the subject came up when I was out with C & N the other night. And, of course, most of us can see patterns in the way that we behave… not that this is always a good thing, but then seeing the patterns is the first step in breaking them.

I’m not going to drone on about all the usual stuff… you know, those personality traits that we require in any potential partner (ever filled out those tick boxes on dating sites? Yes, I bet you have) but more the underlying stuff that turns me on, or keeps me interested.

1. Ok, this is an easy one. Remember that post about kissing? Well, a woman has to be able to kiss., and kiss really well. I’m lucky in that I’m something of a kisser myself… in fact, I once made a woman come by kissing her (although it has to be said that she was already in a state some excitement at the time). And remember the problems with GG, who didn’t understand the difference between kissing and assaulting with the tongue?


2. Next is one slightly more worrying. I’ve concluded that I’m particularly attracted to women who display signs of mild psychosis. I don’t mean the kind that results in a knife being lodged between your shoulder blades, but the kind that say’s that she likes to live on the edge a bit. Living on the edge is something I also do rather well, and I seem to get off on the rush. Hmmm… not sure if this is good or not. Probably not, though. (On second thoughts, I'm prepared to reconsider the use of the word "psychosis", but I think you know what I was trying to say. Maybe I mean "who display signs of bizarre or eccentric behaviour": Ed)
   


3. Last, but far from least, is sexuality. By which I mean an awareness of it, a comfort with it, and a willingness to be driven by it. Driven by it within the context of a relationship, I mean, rather than a propensity to fuck anything that moves. I know a lot of people who go through life never discovering their own sexuality, let alone anyone else’s. These people are definitely not for me, thanks.

Well, this all seems pretty straightforward. And I’ve been assessing Cute Lawyer in the context of the above, as we had a date last night – our 2nd this time around, and our… 5th in total. We haven’t slept together yet, I should add, although I’m cooking dinner at mine next weekend, and that’s always a bad sign. Or a good sign. Anyway…

In terms of kissing, she passes the attraction test. She’s very good, actually, and is quite capable of getting completely lost in a kiss. So far, so good.

On the Psycho Scale, she falls rather short. Now, some people would think this was excellent, but knowing myself as I do it’s a little bit worrying. She’s incredibly… straight. Never does anything completely crazy on the spur of the moment. Risk averse. (Maybe that’s why she’s a lawyer?)

Finally, I think the jury’s still out on the whole issue of sexuality. I know that I can be a little… direct at times, and I’m also aware that it can all become a kind of dance. So I won’t form any premature opinions on this one (I don’t do premature) but I’ll bide my time for now. I’m not convinced, though…

So – there you have it. Anyone who thinks they qualify, feel free to make yourself known.

Stumble It!

Oh god... (holds head in hands). My intention for this blog was always that it would be anonymous, and anyone who's been reading for a while will appreciate that there are some pretty good reasons why it should be. I am prone to wandering off down a sexual theme at times, and I've always thought it best that I keep this little bit of cyberspace to myself. And it has to be said that I've posted my fair share of flesh, of course. All in all, it's quite revealing in here.

You may recall a post from back in February, when I said

"And I have a rather nice plan for next Saturday evening, involving my guest from the night of the burglary, which I'm looking forward to. She's desperately trying to find my blog, but hasn't discovered Google Blog Search as yet, and I think I might just keep that one to myself for now!"”

Well, guess what???? (Morning, J!)

But wait -– it gets worse. Last night, I had the pleasure of a couple of very beautiful women for dinner (no, not the type of "dinner"” I mentioned a week or two ago). We go back a long way, but hadn'’t seen each other for quite a while, and so deliberately met in a pub with a certain nostalgic value, and where the vodka & tonics are "house doubles"” - some completely unknown and rather rough vodka that's two for the price of one compared to Smirnoff or any kind of normal brand. Well, we had a great night, and the double vodkas did their work with frightening efficiency. Not only have we now made plans for a long weekend in Marbella together at the end of May, but for some reason that I can't begin to fathom I also gave them my blog address.

(Morning, C and N!)

So, let's see... that'’s Zooz, Ginny, M, J, C and N, all from my "real" world and all likely to pop in here at any time. Anonymous? Yeah, right... but I will carry on precisely as before. And just ask those that know me to do one thing... respect the fact that I want to keep this tiny little part of my life something of a secret. As much of a secret as it can be, at any rate. Knowing the people that I've referred to, I don't think it'll be a problem, but please... if you get the urge to "share" - don't. Thanks.

Stumble It!

Stumble It!

A few years ago, I was lucky enough to land a fairly good job at one of the large media groups in the UK, based at the end of Blackfriars Bridge. That's the bridge in the photo, and the office I worked in would have been just to the right. Thirteenth floor, and curtain walled with an amazing floor to ceiling window that looked out onto the river. The building in the middle of the photo is the Tate Modern, which was a couple of minutes walk away, and for one reason or another it came up in a conversation yesterday and got me thinking that it's about time I paid it another visit. I used to go quite regularly, and once I went there on a Sunday afternoon on a first date with a woman I'd spoken to a few times but never met before. She asked me if I'd seen The Weather Project by Olafur Eliasson, the fourth in the annual Unilever Series of commissions for the Turbine Hall. When I said that I hadn't she was beside herself with excitement.

I drove there after picking her up, and as we parked she reached into her handbag and pulled out a spliff. "If you haven't seen it before" she said, "you just have to be stoned. Trust me." So we sat in the car for a while, smoking and generally getting rather giggly, and then went inside, and down the ramp into the Turbine Hall. Where I just stopped dead in my tracks. The hall was filled with a gentle machine-hum, and the soft orange radience from the "sun" on the far wall gave the atmosphere an almost surreal feel. I'm not sure if it was because we were stoned, but the feeling of complete calm was unlike anything I'd experienced before. It was awe-inspiring.

You may not have noticed from the photograph above, but at a point half-way up the sun, there was a suspended mirrored ceiling, creating the impression of a complete circle and providing a view of the entire hall for anyone who glanced up. So overpowering was the desire to look at the mirrored image above that almost everybody found themselves laying on the floor, staring up and losing themselves in the totality of the experience. My date and I lay down and didn't move for nearly two hours, chatting about anything and everything but really not caring too much. It was without any shadow of doubt the strangest, and the best, first date I've ever had.

My relationship with this woman became even stranger, it has to be said. On our third date, she came round for dinner, and it was no real surprise that, after a bottle or two of wine, we ended up ascending the stairs at some point in the evening. (In fact, when I suggested it she looked heavenwards and said "Thank you, God", which was, at least, indicative of a degree of enthusiasm.) I lay on the bed as she slowly undressed, and then - as she stood naked before me - she looked me straight in the eye and said "Now don't have a fright at what I'm about to do...". And with that, she shook her amazingly long, lustrous blonde curls and then carefully lifted them from her head, revealing a dark brown crop beneath. No more than a number 2 clipper in hairdressing terms, at most. I was completely astonished, and then incredibly aroused... and that night will go down in history as one of my wildest ever. And there have been some wild ones, believe you me.

Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for us in the longer term, but I still look back at those experiences with a smile on my face. And I really must check what's showing at the Tate Modern, which is, of course, where I started this post.

Stumble It!

Another week begins. Lots to do, and probably not quite enough time to do it in, but that just seems to be one of life's challenges, always. We live in busy times.

The weekend was a good one... dinner with Cute Lawyer was fun, and the restaurant, and it's ambience, wove its magic. She said she'd never experienced a dinner like it, and probably never would again, and she seems to feel that we have... something. Time will tell - I'm not sure that I'm motivated at this point in time, but it's easy to get swept along on the tide of the moment.

Sunday started with a run in the cold sun, breath burning in my chest and muscles aching. The afternoon was one of fever-pitch excitement, as I watched my boys secure a valuable win that makes Eurpoean competition next season more of a reality. And then the children arrived in the evening, O looking radient as ever and S grinning self-conciously, hands clasped behind his back. It transpired that he had a present for me, a present that I'm sipping my coffee from as I type this post.

Yes, definitely a good weekend.

Stumble It!

Yesterday was a good day in more ways than one. I woke up to see the sun streaming through my bedroom blinds, although it was cold… a frost covered the rooftops as I looked out of the window, and in the garden the lawn was a sheet of white. It reminded me of a New York winter’s day. None of the greyness, and the damp, that characterises winter over here.

The children, who’d gone to sleep relatively early the night before, bounded out of their beds, and actually ate their breakfast with something akin to relish. (That’s enthusiasm, as opposed to the kind of relish you might have in your burger… that wouldn’t be good for breakfast at all.) O was particularly excited, because she was appearing in her class assembly as Katherine Parr, and knew I was coming to watch and take one or two pictures. She was wonderful, naturally, although my enthusiasm was dampened by the fact that I’d forgotten my house keys and knew I was going to have to dismantle one of the windows when I got home to get back inside. A fact that amused a friend of mine who was also at the school, as he’s been witness to many a DIY mishap at Chez WDKY in the past.

Later, in the afternoon, I went to watch S play football, and he scored a couple of goals and then performed a heroic slide-tackle to prevent the opposition putting the match out of reach. His team lost, but S did win the medal for the day’s best performance. It’s hard to explain what his love of football means to me, but suffice it to say that it’s been a way of life since I was a young boy, and is ingrained in my psyche. From August, S will have his own season ticket at Tottenham and so the cycle of regeneration, father to son, will be complete once again.

A strange thing happened earlier this week, in that I got a couple of emails form the Cute Lawyer who I stopped seeing when I made that very ill-advised decision to try and rekindle a fated (if not fatal) attraction with “C”. Anyway, we had a talk on the phone and have decided to have some dinner tonight and just see where it takes us. Maybe nowhere, but the dinner will be good – it’s in an amazing restaurant… a kind of Moroccan/Turkish mix, run by a very eccentric gay European whose name I can’t recall (but it’s worth recalling, I know that much). I’ve booked a little room at the back with low tables and scatter cushions, lit by candles… I do like it there.

Right. I have children to feed, exercises to do, and a day to plan. It’s sunny again, and I think we need to get out there and make the most of it. It’ll be interesting to see if O and S share my enthusiasm, because the speed with which they took up their positions in front of both Playstation and TV was awe-inspiring this morning.

Have a fantastic weekend, all of you.

Stumble It!

God, I nearly forgot... still, a scrambled HNT snap before rushing out to a meeting and a haircut is an interesting enough way to start the day. I'm also feeling a bit rough from last night, to be honest. Too much to drink, and too much to smoke. Still, it was fun.

(PS Is it just me, or does it look like I have a heart in the middle of my back?)


Happy HNT

Stumble It!

Right… where was I?

Oh yes. As I got myself onto the subject of sex (again) I thought I’d expound on my views… just to make sure there are no misunderstandings. In fact, I was posting a comment on another blog and this subject came up, and afterwards I decided to offer something of an explanation for what might appear at times to be this slightly convoluted sex life of mine.

For me, it’s important that I feel a connection with someone if I’m intending to sleep with her. I’ve learnt that I don’t “do” casual sex, in as much as the act itself is anything but casual… it’s intense, and intimate, and demands more of me than a casual encounter could provide. So, whilst NML made me grin a while ago by saying I see “more arse than a toilet seat”, the truth is that I’m anything but promiscuous. Within the context of a relationship, I’m also entirely monogamous.

I haven’t hid, or even attempted to hide, the fact that I have one or two friends with whom I have a relationship that’s somewhat more than platonic. These are simply women who I know well, and we have a very real liking, respect and trust for each other. We’re entirely open about what “it” means, and only ever venture there if neither of us is involved with anybody else in a romantic sense. Now, it might be that some people have a view about this, or consider it somehow wrong. That’s absolutely fine – no-one is obliged to share my views – but I live my life according to my own moral code, not anyone else’s. And I’m happy with that.

My sister “H” is coming over for dinner tonight, a different kind of dinner to yesterday’s I hasten to add(!) and it’s the first time she will have seen my house. I alluded to a bit of family drama a while back, but she and I have managed to get past whatever obstacles were preventing us from reconciling, and I’m really glad. We’ll eat, drink, talk and no doubt get a little stoned. As I’ve got older, I’ve learned more to appreciate the value of family, although my own past in that sense was far from straightforward. I’m beginning to think that everybody’s was.

Stumble It!