In the groove

I love that expression… so seventies, isn’t it? “Man, I’m in the groove.” Yesterday, I spent half the day preparing for a presentation to one of the world’s truly mighty corporates, and the second half delivering it. I was with a colleague who had won the opportunity to pitch, and if we win the job he’ll be using me as his resource in the UK. To say it’s a big opportunity would be something of an understatement, and after a couple of hours of intense grilling we left their offices and stopped in Soho for a coffee.

“Fuck me”, he said. “I think my hands are shaking”. I laughed, because he’s clearly lived a sheltered life.

“Listen, if you think that was tough you’ve clearly lived a sheltered life” I replied, not surprisingly.

I realise that I haven’t mentioned sex (shhhhhh...) for an inordinate amount of time. I’d hate you to think that this was because I have nothing to say on the subject. Tonight, I’m having one of my nicest friends for dinner. In more ways than one, as it happens… we have a very honest relationship, and whilst we see each other only sporadically, we really enjoy each other’s company. And each other’s bodies… hers is particularly exquisite, and I’ve decided that I’m going to have her both for hors’ deuvres and dessert. I may even have her as my entrée too. Let’s just forget dinner in the traditional sense. To say I can’t wait wouldn’t quite convey the sense of urgency that I feel.

For some reason, I also find myself sexually fixating on a friend of mine who also happens to be the mother of two of my children’s friends, and – more worryingly – one of my ex-wife’s closest confidantes. Now, I’ve found her attractive for a long time, but for some inexplicable reason I left a message on her voicemail a day or two ago in which I started off with the best of intentions but then found myself describing what listening to her voice had done to me in a physiological sense. I also had a dream about her last night that was so intense, and so life-like, it was almost as good as the real thing. We’ve been flirting with each other continuously for ages now, and I think I’m going to have to stop, before I do something really silly. Really silly.

Thoughts, images

Not surprisingly, I suppose, New York has been something of a theme in my thoughts lately. Prior to A coming over to live, I've been talking a lot to the children over here, making sure that they're comfortable with what's happening and don't have any insecurities or unanswered questions. They seem fine, but they're so sure of my love for them that it doesn't surprise me at all.

We were looking at some old photographs today, and recently Cat asked me what kind of photography I was into when I earned a somewhat meagre living with my camera. I still owe her a reply (sorry, Cat... put that right now) but I liked, in the main, portraiture (for which I had something of a talent) and street photgraphy, and both almost exclusively black and white. New York was my favourite place to wander aimlessly, and although I lost a lot of photgraphs in the burglary I found a few of NYC, some of which I scanned onto my laptop. I'd really like to share my favourite portraits here, but for obvious reasons I can't do that.

I was going to hook up with NML and Serendipity tonight, maybe for some drinks and something to eat, but as with so many plans it didn't quite work out. So it's going to be a quiet night instead. I may do some work, or just chill a bit and listen to some music. Whatever you're up to, have a good weekend.

I love this!

Or maybe something more inscrutible...

HNT 19

Yes, it's an early one... but I was in the mood, the sax was in my hand, and it seemed only natural, with Thursday fast approaching, for clothing to be removed. Wine, music, and digital camera... can you see the inevitablity of it all?

Happy HNT x

I should know better

I was talking to a friend on the telephone yesterday, and it was clear that she was going through some kind of angst. I think I'd describe it by saying she was trying to come to terms with reconciling the person she felt she was with the person that - years ago - she set out to be. I think that, in whatever way she had decided to benchmark herself as a woman, a person, a human being... she had somehow fallen short of the mark. But there was a steely determination there to work on it. Good for her, I thought - we all need to work on ourselves, and it's not easy sometimes. Anyway, it reminded me of a set of place mats that I bought a while back, each one with a black and white photo of a Hollywood legend, together with a quote at the side of the photo. Cary Grant’s impressed me and seemed quite… profound. I can identify with what he said, in fact, although just lately I think I may have been going off-track slightly.


I’m not sure if this is a quirk of mine alone, but I doubt it. Recently, I seem to have been reverting to my old behaviours, getting myself in “trouble” by complicating my life unnecessarily. Generally, this tends to involve some kind of inadvisable sexual endeavour. So – this week – I’m going to stay in a lot, read some books, and hopefully deal with some work that seems to have come in (well, I need to put some costs to something this morning following which I should get the nod officially tomorrow).

I’ve also been a little bit demotivated with regard to my blog… for a couple of weeks now, I’d say. Last night, I wrote what was going to be my farewell post, but then thought I’d sleep on it. This morning I changed my mind. I’m generally unsettled, and I’m beginning to suspect it’s because I want a particular kind of relationship that I don’t have, and that I haven’t had for quite some time. I’m almost inclined to think that what I miss is… well… ahem… being in love. And that, at times, I allow sex and love to become interchangeable, as though in finding one I'll find the other. It won't happen like that, of course. It's just that, now and again, something seems better than nothing.

That’s all for now. I’ve decided to shed some light on the New York connection in the next day or so. It calls for something of an expose on a period of my life in which I wasn’t very proud of myself, and I’m hoping it might just be cathartic. Who knows.

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Haloscan and tummy scratches

Edit: By way of an update, all Haloscan comments from this date onwards were ultimately lost after Echo/JS-Kit took over their accounts; Haloscan subsequently ceased to exist and anything not fully transferred over by December 2009 was archived and - effectively - lost at that point. Sadly, this has meant the loss of some very precious comments but it seems that nothing can be done about it. WDKY, December '11

I've decided to switch to Haloscan as it gives me a little more control over comments left as well as being easier to reply, and you'll now find the link at the end of each post. I'm really sorry that - in the process - I've lost the historic posts on the blog (they're not actually lost, but they are hidden, as I've deactivated the original comment function).

Please don't let it put you off commenting in future, as now I've made the change I'll be sticking to it. Oh, and no HNT today... I just had a little too much to do.

PS Clarification on Millie... she is actually the dog that my ex and I had, from a pup, when we were together. I can't remember how old she is now, but I think she's around 5 (I know, you can't really tell from the photo!) Lola was very carefully introduced to her as I held her (Lola, that is) in my arms, stroking and talking to her. She responded by giving me two very large scratches on my tummy as she hurtled out of my arms, and out of the window into the garden. I think this may take a little work!

An unexpected surprise

I received a call early this morning from O, shortly before she and S were due to come round. She asked if she could bring a little surprise along with her... and what could I say? So... meet Millie. I may have lost the custody battle, but it doesn't mean we can't still be friends, does it? Lola's not come in from the garden yet, but when she does I have a feeling that she'll ber singularly unimpressed. I don't think it's going to be pretty!

(Excuse the quality of the photo - it was snapped on my phone, as opposed to my new toy.)

Revelations

I realise, of course, that it’s all a load of commercial nonsense. But even with that realisation, the truth is that waking up alone on Valentine’s Day is like waking up without the children on Christmas morning - you can tell yourself it doesn’t matter, but somewhere there’s a little voice telling you “It does really… you know it does.” So here I am, posting on my blog and determined not to sound like I feel sorry for myself in any way. Because the truth is that I don’t… but maybe I feel just a little wistful for the life I once had. Looking forwards sometimes takes an effort, and I admit it. I did look over my shoulder quickly then. But there were good reasons for doing so.

I’ve been in a thoughtful mood for the last few days. I am something of a thinker at the best of times, but this week I’ve had something in particular to think about. Something that’s potentially going to be life changing, I hope in a positive way. It relates to a part of me that I haven’t written about before, something from my “other” life all those years ago, and my connection with New York. A city that I love, and in which I have a son of 19 and a daughter of 16.

For much of my life, I’ve managed to deal with some of the more difficult challenges that I’ve faced by compartmentalising them… it’s somehow been easier that way, although I always knew that at some point I would have to gather it all together with a sweep of my arms, and see where it left us. Now it’s happening. And – after just a moment of quiet panic – I’m glad it is, because there’s a reality to it that I like, and I need… that we all need, actually. I’ll try to write a little more about it, but for now I just wanted to get that down on “paper”.

So… a Valentine’s Day quote to finish off today, I think. How about this one…

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."

An awful dilemma

I’ve been facing a bit of a blogging dilemma for the last week or two, and it’s the main reason, I guess, that my posts have been a little less regular than they always have been. So I’m hoping that – if I explain myself here – everyone will tell me not to worry. And then it will help to ease the guilt that’s almost second nature to a boy who’s been brought up by a Jewish mother. Know what I mean?

Right… the thing is, I’ve actually been pretty busy, and I really need to pull my finger out even more in terms of marketing and PR. That probably means that over the next few weeks I’ll be even busier. The consequence of this is that I don’t have time to visit everyone’s blog each day, and I don’t like to visit some and not others. So, on the basis that I may go a day without commenting on anyone else’s posts, I feel that I should spread my own posts out a little more. Like every other day, or something.

Well, I was thinking about this earlier, and I’ve decided to attack my Blogroll from the top and the bottom alternately. (Hang on, what if I never get to the middle? Strike that.) Or maybe I’ll just knock an hour off my sleep each day? (No, I don’t sleep enough as it is.) I know… I’ll learn to touch type. Zooz actually bought me a Mavis Beacon CD-ROM for Christmas, so that’s clearly the answer.

Phew. Well, today, S was playing football after school, and as I had my new toy with me I thought I’d share a photo (trust me, it could have been worse). It was quite a proud moment for me today, because a couple of the other Dads asked when S would be eligible to officially represent the school (it’s next year) and then said that they desperately need someone with his speed and skill. Yes!!!!

Okay, I’m going to do the rounds tonight, so keep your eyes peeled on your comments. I love you all… (blow’s kiss and exits stage left…)

HNT 18 - Lola's debut

Well, I thought I deserved a bit of fun today, what with the run of bad luck I've been having of late. So, when the postman bought a stack of vouchers, courtesy of my insurers, to spend in the local electronics shop I decided to upgrade the camera that was stolen and revert to a decent SLR again. 8 megapixels of decency, actually. I've been playing with it this evening, and it just might be enough to give my former passion for photgraphy a much-needed kick up the arse. We'll see, but it's certainly a rather lovely, and very functional, piece of kit.

In view of the fact that I've had no camera for a while, I haven't really had time to do justice to any more revelations so far as my own body is concerned. But the girl in my life deserves a HNT debut, I think. So, that being the case, I give you... Lola. The only girl, in fact, that I can rely upon to lay on my couch every night with her legs in the air.

Sleepover part deux

Okay, I realise that I haven’t provided any kind of update on the night of the sleepover. It’s scandalous, and I’m ashamed of myself for taking so long to write today’s post. Work, two children, a cat and two amazing games of football on the television are hardly an excuse, I realise that. So… let’s see…

I cooked a pretty fab dinner if I say so myself… roast lamb, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, a green salad, and apple pie with extra thick cream for dessert (make’s me wonder why the fuck I’m single, actually!). We got through a couple of bottles of wine in rapid succession, and opened a third as we sat down in the lounge, slightly the worse for wear but pretty chilled and enjoying catching up. (I would have rolled a spliff at this point, if the rat bags who burgled my house hadn’t gone off with my hand carved antique wooden stash box that I bought in Prague!) Anyway, at some point she wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water, and came back holding a box containing a very strange battery operated shoe polisher that someone bought me in an “Everything for a Pound” shop in Brighton. “What on earth’s this”, she asked as she walked back into the room. I gave her the obvious answer (!) to which she replied “Have you ever tried… you know. Using it on something other than shoes?” (I know… where do I find them?)

To cut a long story short, we spent the next half an hour testing the different brushes on various parts of each other’s anatomy. Of course, we started on the wrists, the back of the neck, even the soles of the feet (the fluffy brushes were particularly nice) and then - gradually - got a bit more daring. Now, bearing in mind that we were more than a little inebriated, it would have taken an iron will, an incredible sense of responsibility, and a man who knows he’s got a hot date on Saturday to eventually lead her up the stairs and deposit her, as planned, in O’s room for the night. And to stay in his own bed, depsite the fact that just a couple of yards separated two hot, pulsing and rather polished bodies. But I’m happy to say, that’s precisely what I did. I even ran her a bath in the morning and refrained from getting in with her. Sometimes, I surprise myself… not often, but sometimes.

Now, tell me honestly… are you disappointed?

Sleepover

I seem to be surrounded by temptation at the moment, and it’s proving to be quite a test. Of mind and body, I might add. I wonder if resisting temptation is more important than living for the moment… or maybe there’s no hard and fast rule. Every case on its merits… do unto others… consenting adults… the list could go on and on, couldn’t it? Just don’t tell me to follow my heart – I’ve heard that one before and it didn’t do me any good then, either.

I have a friend from college coming for dinner and a sleepover today. That doesn’t mean she’s a very old friend, because I didn’t graduate until I was 40 (that’s a strange story too - I ended up going back as a tutor after surprising myself. And everyone else, for that matter). Anyway, we’ve kept in touch over the last few years, and the idea is that she sleeps in one of the children’s rooms. The problem is, of course, that there’s a bit of attraction there, and the wine will be flowing tonight.

Anyway, I had an email from the girl I went out with last Saturday, saying she was a little perplexed. And that she had detected a slight “disconnect” towards the end of the evening. I thought I’d sent a fairly unambiguous response, although Zooz, having cast her beady eye over the correspondence, said that she’ll now be more perplexed than ever. (Mind you, she’s a right one to talk!)

Right… I have some dinner to cook, so I won’t ramble on any further. I haven't had a lot of time to visit all my favourite blogs today, but cut me just a little slack. I'm not at my most organised this week, for some reason.

Random thoughts 15

It’s funny that, even when we think we’ve pretty much learnt it all, there are still some lessons out there. For me, it wasn’t so much of a lesson this time, perhaps, as confirmation of what I already knew. Which is this… if I don’t feel a sexual attraction towards someone from the off, it doesn’t matter how much I like them, because it isn’t going to happen. On Saturday I went out on a second date with someone who – as a person – I really have a connection with. But the truth is, I just couldn’t imagine anything physical ever happening. I saw her again because I wanted to get past that obstacle. It seems… shallow. But in retrospect I’ve decided it isn’t shallow at all. It’s just the way it is.

I was thinking about this today and I think there may be a valid gender distinction to make here (and I really hate gender distinctions normally). By which I mean, women seem - to me, at least - to be more able, and more willing, to work on the sexual issues in those same circumstances. To give it some time, and to see what might develop. Maybe I’m wrong about that, though.... it has been known.

The week has been okay, all in all. I’ve been busy, and it looks like there might well be some work (yes, activity for which I’ll be paid!) looming. For some reason I seem to be in an excellent mood at the moment – no particular reason that I can think of, I just am. And I have a rather nice plan for next Saturday evening, involving my guest from the night of the burglary, which I’m looking forward to. She’s desperately trying to find my blog, but hasn’t discovered Google Blog Search as yet, and I think I might just keep that one to myself for now!

Speaking of which, I seem to have been AWOL since HNT, so I'm going to spend a while now catching up with what’s been going on. I guess it may be a late night.

HNT 17

I have a bit of work to do at the moment, so all I could come up with today was a slightly different take on an old theme. Sorry it isn't more... original, but I'll endeavour to come up with something more creative next week.

For now, though... have a very happy HNT!

Shopping and chicken soup

Well, it's now over week since my "misfortune". Having wallowed (embarrassingly) in self-pity for a couple of days, I decided to be proactive.

Please note, therefore, the rather attractive external hard drive in the background of the photo on the left, set for an automatic daily backup routine of all files. This is going to be supplemented by a download to CD-ROM at the end of each week. It's a bit bloody late, frankly, but better late than never (as they say).

Yesterday, I did a bit more shopping. It was quite funny, actually, because the girl in the sports store couldn't reach the bats (they were suspended from the wall at a child-proof level) and actually asked if I could lift her. This proved harder than one might have imagined, and I suggested she get on my shoulders (although for some reason she declined).

Anyway, I'd like to draw your attention to the scrupulously clean bedding as well as the rather funky bat, because this is apparently unusual for a guy living on his own. Oh, and anyone intending to visit my home for nefarious purposes - be warned. I'm likely to hurt you, probably quite badly.

I went over to Zooz's house for her birthday dinner last night, and had a thoroughly nice time in the company of not only Zooz but also Daughter of Zooz and Grant. The food was excellent, the grass was sublime, and the chicken soup I took home in a plastic container smelt gorgeous. Happy Birthday for Thursday, Zooz!!!

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Being an adult

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been to understand and accept how my actions, whether intentional or not, have caused others around me to suffer in some way… to feel pain. It’s easy, of course, for me to excuse myself on the basis that I was young, or that I was “following my heart”. The fact is, though, that responsibility for my actions can only sit with me. It’s one of the things that comes with being an adult, and like it or not, you can’t avoid it.

This evening, I knew I had to have a conversation that required complete honesty. I could have ignored what I knew I felt, and I could have somehow dealt with it in a way that didn’t leave me as exposed as I knew I’d feel… exposed to what was an inevitable response. But I’ve been a coward before, and I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth. And, just for a while, I think I’ll allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel… a sense of loss, perhaps, or a glimpse of my own vulnerability. Whatever, it’s done.

I found my first client today, by the way. Not a big one, and we still have to meet (not for three weeks, unfortunately) to agree on scope and cost, but it looks like it might be a nice, regular job each quarter. Just a few days work each time, but still… I think I’ll celebrate with a vodka and tonic. Cheers.

Edit: I'm sorry if this is a wierd post... I didn't set out with weirdness in mind, but it developed into a post of my thoughts. Me to me, almost. I was actually talking about a situation where a friend wanted more from me than I was able to give, and the consequence is that I've lost a friend. I could have compromised us both on what would have been a gamble, but it didn't feel right to do it.

I'll try to be a little less obtuse in future.

Pink champagne and bacon bagels

It's a beautiful day today... a clear blue sky, and crisply cold without that usual dampness that's synonymous with the British winter. It feels like everything is fine with the world, and I'm about to get changed and run a few miles, soaking up that vitamin D and enjoying the rawness of the cold air hitting my lungs. That burn... for some reason I love it.

I'd intended to have a quiet night last night, but a friend emailed me during the day and we decided to go out for a meal in a local restaurant. When I got to her place, though, it was just too... cosy. The heating was on, the candles were alight, and there was a bottle of pink champagne in the fridge. So Saturday night consisted of not one, but two bottles of champagne and a couple of bacon bagels. Strange, but also strangely perfect. Sometimes nights like that can't be planned, they just need to... happen. She called me this morning, and said "You know, WDKY, sometimes I wonder if you're real or if I just imagined you somehow"... I so know how she feels. ROFL.

Oh yes, I did something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago. It kind of seems a bit late now, but I have a strong sense of comfort that, yet again, I've learnt from my mistakes. I make lots, but rarely the same one twice! Here - see for yourself... can you guess?

Through the wringer

I really do feel like I've been through the wringer this week. It started off last Friday, when some little git on a scooter drove into the side of my car and then drove off without exchanging details. After that, the burglary, which - having not experienced anything like it before - was strangely draining emotionally. The next day, I learnt that the project I was told unofficially I'd won had gone to someone else... there will be others, but this one was perfect, and high-value - I wanted to win it as the pressure would have been off for the rest of the year. Then, yesterday, the police called to say they'd recovered some papers, and I spent most of the day seeing what could be salvaged from the mass of sopping wet, muddy and torn documents that had been left in some bushes near the local school. Finally, this morning, Mum called to say one of her cats had died last night as a consequence of liver failure. It's been the kind of week that nightmares are made of, and because of all the upheaval I've barely seen the children.

Well, they're here tonight, and it's the weekend. I've decided this is kind of like starting a diet... from next Monday it's going to be business as usual, and in the meantime I'm going to enjoy being with the children and having a quiet, peaceful Saturday night. No dates, no sex.

But hey - that was some week, wasn't it? I found myself laughing as I was thinking about it earlier, which I hope is a good sign, as opposed to an indication of some kind of mental instability or temporary, stress-induced insanity. Now, if I can just stop myself lying awake all night, hammer to hand, listening for sounds of forced entry...

Enjoy your weekends, and don't leave any doors or windows unlocked. Trust me, it's good advice.

Getting a grip

Well, I've had a mope, sworn at the cat, felt like a complete idiot, and sulked for a few days. Now, though, I've decided that it's time to pick myself up off the floor and get a grip. I've got a hell of a lot to do, and I'm going to get on and do it.

My computer is fine, and is probably better than the old one - it'll cost me, but what's done is done. And through a good network of friends, I've managed to get some of the data I lost, restore a lot of my documents relating to the new company, and I'm now hoping that some new leads will result in a little business coming my way before the end of the month. I also managed to get hold of my marketing database, so I can begin mailing and contacting new clients again. All is not lost, and the police called yesterday to tell me that they've recovered one of my box files - I have no idea what's in it because it's with forensics at the moment, but hopefully some of my papers and documents will still be there.

So, feeling a little better about life last night, I locked all the doors and windows and went out on a date. She was... well, nice enough. No chemistry, but it was a fun evening. And, bizarrely, Zooz was in the same restaurant on a date as well, so I even got a sympathy cuddle for good measure. And we had a good laugh comparing notes when we both got back to our respective homes - apparently my date wasn't quite "cute" enough for her liking. I don't know about that, but she was a TV producer, and dropped some excellent names throughout the evening! To be honest, it was a little too close to my rather lovely evening (well, burglary aside) of last weekend for me to take it seriously, but the arrangements had been made ages ago and I didn't want to cancel at the last minute.

I'm going to take a tour of the blogs I normally visit later, and would just like to thank everyone for all the very kind comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It really did help, because I was just a little bit miserable. But hey - life's too short, and there's too much opportunity out there to sit around dwelling on misfortune any longer. I reckon I'm due some luck, failing which I'm just going to have to make my own!

(By the way, anyone who uses Firefox should take a look at the Performancing for Blogger extension - it's outstanding, and allows posting to your blog without having to go through the Dashboard. Try it.)

Things can only get better

Apologies if I don't do the Blog rounds for a day or two - just trying to get myself straight over here.

Hmmm… where shall I start? Okay, Saturday then…

Well, a few of you guessed right, in that I was intending to visit a friend who had asked if I might fancy, errr… ahem…. Well, we’ve known each other a long time, and we’re both single at the moment. So, to cut a shortish story even shorter, I said yes. In the event, she decided it was easier to come over to me, and so I went shopping in the afternoon for some dinner, and then stepped out of the shower even as she was parking on my drive.

I think it may be best if I spare you the details of the evenings activities, but suffice it to say that I didn’t start cooking until gone 11 o’clock, and by the time we’d finished eating it was getting on for 1am. I suppose we fell asleep at around 3, and as I forgot to turn off the bloody alarm clock I was awake pretty early and dying for a cup of coffee. I slipped out of the bedroom, went downstairs, and nearly tripped over what had been the contents of a kind of side-table shelf in the corner of the lounge. I immediately wondered what was going on, because I knew I hadn’t left them there, and in any event an antique carved wooden box – which I paid an absolute fortune for on a trip to Prague last year – was nowhere in sight.

I could see into the kitchen, and most of the cupboards and drawers were open, with the contents strewn over the work surfaces. As I looked, I realised with a feeling of complete dread that someone had been in the house. And as I turned towards the door to my office - which is an extension at the back of the house - I could barely bring myself to check if my worst fears had been realised. But check I did, and sure enough my laptop and case had gone. And my laptop had every piece of data I could possibly need to get the business up and running… models of contracts, specifications, systems, processes, graphics, databases… you name it, and it was on there, as well as three month’s worth of work setting the company itself up prior to January. All gone, and all irrecoverable. (No, I hadn't backed it up yet - I'm a prat! Ed)

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had two large box files with pretty much every important piece of paper that I’ve ever kept, along with passports, letters, stuff from Mum and Dad, old pictures and paintings from when the children were babies, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, title deeds… I don’t even think I want to go on with the list. The laptop and the box-files were quite simply the two most important things in my house, and (barring the children, of course) probably in my life.

Of course, I called the police, but I’m really just going through the motions, and I’m just going to have to get over it. I have literally months of work to get back to as close to the position I was in as I can, and even then it won’t be remotely close. It’s just a complete and utter disaster. Oh, and on top of everything else, my insurers are already causing me as many problems as they can, and I’m going to have to fight just to recover anything from them. Bastards.

It’s almost funny, in a vaguely hysterical way, that moments after I was being told on the telephone this morning that "things can only get better", I received a call to tell me I didn’t get the job I’ve been pitching for. Now, I know I need to put it all in perspective, but I think that – just for a little while – I’m going to just stay as I am. REALLY PISSED OFF.

Which pillock was it who said “what doesn’t kill you...”??