Some days

"Destiny has two ways of crushing us -- by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them."

Some days just don’t go as planned, and yesterday, in truth, was one of them. It was a day when it felt like all my recent hopes were taken by the hard and calloused hand of fate and squeezed until the life drained out of them. As I sat in the half-dark of the early hours of the morning, cigarette glowing in the ashtray and a cold breeze hitting my face from the open window, I realised, yet again, that our sphere of influence is small indeed. That aside from taking responsibility for our own actions, we can do little but watch as the world spins crazily around us like a roulette wheel.

Anyway, I was saying that yesterday didn’t go as planned. I spoke to A in the morning, and we were just talking about some of the things he had to get done to deal with the practicalities of living in England. Getting a national insurance number, registering with a doctor and dentist, getting a SIM card for the mobile phone I gave him, that kind of stuff. ("SIM card? What's a SIM card?")

A: Actually, Dad, I booked a flight this morning.

Me: A flight? A flight where?

A: Back to New York. I go on 7th April.

Me: Oh… okay. Well, I said I’d support you whatever decision you made… I guess I wasn’t expecting such a… quick decision, though.

A: I know, Dad. But S and I have been emailing again. I think I love her.

Me: Ah, yes… love.

So I was pondering on the meaning of love and, I guess, allowing myself to dwell on the last couple of years, what the future might hold for me, and life in general. Nothing new, really… I’m a thinker, and when you’re a thinker you learn very quickly to just take the rough with the smooth. As I dragged on my cigarette I saw the little pop-up window on the corner of my laptop screen, telling me that I wasn’t the only one awake at that ridiculous hour. It was an email from CFG.

Tonight, I had my second "bang on the head" of the recent couple of weeks ....one gave me my dreams...the second one got me back into reality. I have 95% chances to be obliged to go back to France soon... It's unexpected....and I do not like this idea at all. Everything is going too fast now... Sometimes, you want things to move and nothing happens...and suddenly, everything starts moving....and you are not ready...or it's just too much at the same time. I will stop and have a look into my stars.... Have a safe trip to Oxford......make Thursday come faster, faster, faster...I'm sure you can do it. It seems that you beat me with children, but I beat you with the lifes.

And then, minutes later,

It's late....I think you are in bed by now. Sorry, I shouldn’t have "unburden" my day to you, especially by mail, especially today. I feel stupid and I'm angry after myself. We will talk… do not worry…or try...

I poured myself a very large Scotch, had another cigarette, and took myself wearily off to bed.

Musical Monday

I think it's fair to say that it's been a bit of a weekend. A arrived at Heathrow at 8 o'clock on Saturday morning (of course, I was at the wrong terminal as I didn't know he flew in via Dublin), and has now gone off to stay with friends. After some time spent in which my children got acquainted, he and I had a great meal together in a local Chinese restaurant last night. Then, yesterday, a morning talking and looking at old photos, before going to lunch at the oldest pub in the UK (in St Albans, a city in Hertfordshire with Roman origins, and known then as Verulamium). But more on that tomorrow. There are lots of... complexities arising out of a fairly fraught and difficult past, but we seem to be okay. It was quite an experience, looking at him sitting opposite me, and realising that he's an adult now. Almost.

Then, and in fact I've just got home, a rather amazing night with CFG, that's left both of us seriously wondering if we knew each other in another life. But, again, that can wait for now, because this is, of course...


It might be obvious by now that I'm a big fan of Tricky, Massive Attack and Faithless, and all are related in the sense that they are a part of the musical revolution coming out of Bristol in the south west of England. Not unlike the scene in Manchester many years ago (and, in fact, more recently too), just a different genre. So, this week, it's Tricky, and a track called Pumpkin. Enjoy!



(Come on... help me get Musical Monday up and running. Post some music, and feel free to use the image/link. They are very good legs.)

It's in the touch

Okay… to quickly answer a comment from Lee Ann a couple of days ago about my voice… you can hear it if you want to. Although it’s a little embarrassing. It’s here, actually.

Kimmyk also mentioned that I always seem to be “with” somebody, so I thought I’d just mention that – in the 2½ years I’ve been single again - I spent 8 months seeing a rather gorgeous red-headed girl, and then, some time later, 4 months with GG. That leaves about 18 months when I’ve just indulged in some light hearted dating or, in fact, have been very much on my own.

Red had a body to die for. When she undressed, she’d stand at the edge of the bed and then turn her back to me, bending down as she lowered her panties to the floor so I could look longingly at her perfect little arse. She was sexy, but mad. Probably as mad as GG, and I don’t think I need to clarify that any further, do I?

So, CFG and I have been out again. It’s strange, because instead of the indifference I’ve felt for a while, my heart beats more quickly when I think about her. When we don’t speak, I want to hear her voice. Neither of us can sleep, and whilst our verbal communication has to take account of her… Frenchness, there’s no lack of communication. It’s in the eyes, and in the touch.

Last night, she'd arranged for her son to be "somewhere else", and after dinner we walked back to her apartment with a kind of mounting expectation. But as I kissed her I could feel her shaking... she was terrified. And I told her it wasn't going to happen yet... although, I must admit, I was more than ready. I've decided that we're going to wait for a while.

I have no idea what all of this means, but time will tell. My problem is that I’m in love with the concept of love itself, so I have to watch myself. It’s a dangerous business.

HNT 23 - 2nd of 3

Well... we're a little bit closer then. Still another week to go, and there has to be a grand finale, of course. But at least we're getting there.

"No. 2 in a series of 3 - Jeans"


Happy HNT

The ghost of GG

Well, it seems that Musical Monday was quite well received. I don't have any expectation that because I like something everyone else who listens to it will like it too, but I think it's a good thing to be exposed to music that might pass us by otherwise. And my own taste is kind of unusual, as may become apparent over the weeks, so I am going to consider MM as something of a public service. That way I won't feel guilty when things get a bit more extreme! (I have one track that's particularly extreme in mind, and I'm smiling to myself as I think about it!) Anyway, it would be nice if we managed to start a blog trend between us, wouldn't it? So feel free to follow suit, and have a look here if you want more info. Exciting, isn't it?

Going back to my last post, I did slip in a little something that Ruthie spotted, and that was dinner in Belsize Park the other evening. Ruthie, you are very observant, and I must admit that I did happen to stumble across a rather cute French girl who, from here on in, I'll refer to as CFG. CFG and I seemed to hit it off, and there was some rather intense eye contact and finger touching going on. She amazed me at one point by absent-mindedly taking my hand as she sat at the table and just holding it against her lips... there was an intimacy about it that was quite unexpected. But nice.

We've been in contact since, and plan to go out on Thursday this week. But I just thought I'd ask anyone who's been around for a while if this email is reminiscent of anybody... tell me what you think:

You have a nice and smooth way to tell everything....nothing to add...or too many.
H (her son; Ed) was not well at all on sunday....but the worst is over!
So, when do you squeeze me in your agenda ? Thursday?.....I will be working until 5.30-6.00....

CFG

See what I mean? Could this be GG without the instability? And more importantly, why am I attracted to women who speak pigeon English? So many questions...

Musical Monday

Okay... if you're here, chances are that you've followed the Musical Monday image link and are thinking about joining the biggest craze never to sweep the blogoshere.

So here's the deal. If you want to do it too, then - just do it. But put this link on your post and preferably in your sidebar. And then post some music, referring in your post to Musical Monday (of course) and doing it on... well, Monday(s)!

<a href="http://wdkylondon.blogspot.com/2006/03/musical-monday.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y123/LightestTouch/mmwithcolour.jpg" border="0" height="160" width="120" /></a>

Anyway, before the first of these aural extravaganzas, just a quick apology for not posting or commenting for a couple of days... Saturday was actually really busy, and the day's frenetic activity ended with a nice dinner in one of the more interesting North London suburbs (Belsize Park, if you were wondering). Then, on Sunday, something really wierd happened. I sat down to do a bit of blogging, and you know what? I thought "Fuck it... I really can't be bothered today". So I didn't.

And it's now less than one week before A, my son in NY, comes over. It feels very strange... like the comfort zone in which I've been living is about to be tested. The children (here) are very excited, and so am I... it's just that I know it might not all be plain sailing. But I think we'll be alright. (And I have a ready made babysitter, of course!!)

Right... music then. To start with this is Don't Look Down, by Tindersticks. Know them? You should... and have a listen to Curtains, their best album, if you get the chance. In fact, just buy it. Trust me.



"Spend dying time with your eyes on the ground, looking for the stars"... know that feeling?

Cute Lawyer and other stuff

Well… I guess it was always going to happen. I spoke to Cute Lawyer a couple of days ago, and I could just detect something in her voice that indicated all was not well. When I asked her what was wrong, she eventually told me that she felt I was “holding back” a little. Making myself less available emotionally than she knew I could be.

It’s funny, but I’d been thinking about Saturday, when I had planned to make her dinner, and knew that we’d probably end up in bed. It’s been bothering me quite a bit, in fact, because I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that it wasn’t necessarily going to be sustainable. So – to cut a long story short – I suggested that we stop seeing each other, and at least it’s happened before there’s anything to feel particularly uncomfortable about. Although I am feeling a bit “tingly”… does that count as uncomfortable? Particularly after a bit of delicious flirting earlier today, although that’s another story. (One that I won't be sharing, I'm afraid.)

Anyway, it’s been manic activity over here, as I have a business meeting in Dublin soon and I forgot that my passport was stolen during the burglary. Lots of running around, and a rather stubbly new photo that wouldn’t quite come up to HNT standards. I look like a hit man who’s lost his razor.

Have a lovely weekend, one and all, and thanks for all the comments from yesterday (aside from the bloke who was going on about rimming… sorry, that one had to go!). Oh yes, and now I've disvovered how to upload my favourite music to my blog posts, Musical Monday starts in... three days!

HNT 22 - 1st of 3

Well, having collaborated just a little with a friend, I've decided that the next three HNT posts will be in series. Actually, I was also influenced by the rather scrumptious Catpants but keep that one to yourself. So... this is

"No. 1 in a series of 3 - Jeans"

(and I strongly suggest that you pop back next week).


Happy HNT

Keeping it real

I must admit I find it hard to believe, but somewhere between the posting of this entry and the next, the number of hits on WDKY will exceed the 30,000 mark. It’s amazing really… we all start off not knowing who, if anyone, will want to read about the minutiae of our lives, but somewhere along the way the momentum gathers and we seem to find an audience. What we believe will be a relatively unimportant element of our interface with the outside world becomes far more important than we would ever have imagined. Welcome to the world of the blog.

This – my – blog was started with the sole purpose of putting some thoughts down on “paper”… something to mark my passage through an interesting phase of my life, a phase of change and adjustment. And perhaps something to look back on when I need to put my life into some kind of perspective. Somewhere along the way, it’s possible that I forgot this purpose, and began to write with an audience in mind. Is this a bad thing? Does it make what I say any less authentic? I suspect the answer to both questions is no… well, it’s a definite no to the second, I assure you. I want what I write to be a true account of who I am; I think it has been and my intention is that it always will be. And I suspect that those who happen to have stumbled across me in “real life” would be quick to point out any inconsistency between the person they know me to be and the persona who presents himself to the world through this particular medium. It’s a useful control measure, isn’t it?

Reality is a strange thing… we all have our own version that we construct around us, and I suspect that a lot of people who regularly stop by to read my (sometimes inane) ramblings will understand what I mean when I say that there’s a definite “reality” to this process we call blogging. It can be uplifting, cathartic, therapeutic… all of those things, but it also allows us a glimpse inside the thoughts and the worlds of others who are willing to share some very intimate parts of themselves. There’s a commonality to our motives, even if the approach is different. And it’s a community that I’m glad I discovered.

It's not a phrase I normally use, but I'm tempted to sign this one off by saying “keep it real”, and I hope you know what I mean. Authenticity is important, and authenticity is what I give you. What else do I have (well, aside form the odd glimpse of flesh)?


Darkneuro, I do believe number 30,000 was you! Choose your gift...

My kind of woman

I’ve been thinking about this, because the subject came up when I was out with C & N the other night. And, of course, most of us can see patterns in the way that we behave… not that this is always a good thing, but then seeing the patterns is the first step in breaking them.

I’m not going to drone on about all the usual stuff… you know, those personality traits that we require in any potential partner (ever filled out those tick boxes on dating sites? Yes, I bet you have) but more the underlying stuff that turns me on, or keeps me interested.

1. Ok, this is an easy one. Remember that post about kissing? Well, a woman has to be able to kiss., and kiss really well. I’m lucky in that I’m something of a kisser myself… in fact, I once made a woman come by kissing her (although it has to be said that she was already in a state some excitement at the time). And remember the problems with GG, who didn’t understand the difference between kissing and assaulting with the tongue?


2. Next is one slightly more worrying. I’ve concluded that I’m particularly attracted to women who display signs of mild psychosis. I don’t mean the kind that results in a knife being lodged between your shoulder blades, but the kind that say’s that she likes to live on the edge a bit. Living on the edge is something I also do rather well, and I seem to get off on the rush. Hmmm… not sure if this is good or not. Probably not, though. (On second thoughts, I'm prepared to reconsider the use of the word "psychosis", but I think you know what I was trying to say. Maybe I mean "who display signs of bizarre or eccentric behaviour": Ed)
   


3. Last, but far from least, is sexuality. By which I mean an awareness of it, a comfort with it, and a willingness to be driven by it. Driven by it within the context of a relationship, I mean, rather than a propensity to fuck anything that moves. I know a lot of people who go through life never discovering their own sexuality, let alone anyone else’s. These people are definitely not for me, thanks.

Well, this all seems pretty straightforward. And I’ve been assessing Cute Lawyer in the context of the above, as we had a date last night – our 2nd this time around, and our… 5th in total. We haven’t slept together yet, I should add, although I’m cooking dinner at mine next weekend, and that’s always a bad sign. Or a good sign. Anyway…

In terms of kissing, she passes the attraction test. She’s very good, actually, and is quite capable of getting completely lost in a kiss. So far, so good.

On the Psycho Scale, she falls rather short. Now, some people would think this was excellent, but knowing myself as I do it’s a little bit worrying. She’s incredibly… straight. Never does anything completely crazy on the spur of the moment. Risk averse. (Maybe that’s why she’s a lawyer?)

Finally, I think the jury’s still out on the whole issue of sexuality. I know that I can be a little… direct at times, and I’m also aware that it can all become a kind of dance. So I won’t form any premature opinions on this one (I don’t do premature) but I’ll bide my time for now. I’m not convinced, though…

So – there you have it. Anyone who thinks they qualify, feel free to make yourself known.

Anonymous my arse

Oh god... (holds head in hands). My intention for this blog was always that it would be anonymous, and anyone who's been reading for a while will appreciate that there are some pretty good reasons why it should be. I am prone to wandering off down a sexual theme at times, and I've always thought it best that I keep this little bit of cyberspace to myself. And it has to be said that I've posted my fair share of flesh, of course. All in all, it's quite revealing in here.

You may recall a post from back in February, when I said

"And I have a rather nice plan for next Saturday evening, involving my guest from the night of the burglary, which I'm looking forward to. She's desperately trying to find my blog, but hasn't discovered Google Blog Search as yet, and I think I might just keep that one to myself for now!"”

Well, guess what???? (Morning, J!)

But wait -– it gets worse. Last night, I had the pleasure of a couple of very beautiful women for dinner (no, not the type of "dinner"” I mentioned a week or two ago). We go back a long way, but hadn'’t seen each other for quite a while, and so deliberately met in a pub with a certain nostalgic value, and where the vodka & tonics are "house doubles"” - some completely unknown and rather rough vodka that's two for the price of one compared to Smirnoff or any kind of normal brand. Well, we had a great night, and the double vodkas did their work with frightening efficiency. Not only have we now made plans for a long weekend in Marbella together at the end of May, but for some reason that I can't begin to fathom I also gave them my blog address.

(Morning, C and N!)

So, let's see... that'’s Zooz, Ginny, M, J, C and N, all from my "real" world and all likely to pop in here at any time. Anonymous? Yeah, right... but I will carry on precisely as before. And just ask those that know me to do one thing... respect the fact that I want to keep this tiny little part of my life something of a secret. As much of a secret as it can be, at any rate. Knowing the people that I've referred to, I don't think it'll be a problem, but please... if you get the urge to "share" - don't. Thanks.

HNT 21 - Full Frontal

Well, it's a full frontal minus one or two fairly important details (plus a bit from round the other side)... but then, it's best to leave some things to the imagination.



Facets... that's what we show of ouselves, after all. Isn't it?



Happy HNT to one and all x

A bit of culture

A few years ago, I was lucky enough to land a fairly good job at one of the large media groups in the UK, based at the end of Blackfriars Bridge. That's the bridge in the photo, and the office I worked in would have been just to the right. Thirteenth floor, and curtain walled with an amazing floor to ceiling window that looked out onto the river. The building in the middle of the photo is the Tate Modern, which was a couple of minutes walk away, and for one reason or another it came up in a conversation yesterday and got me thinking that it's about time I paid it another visit. I used to go quite regularly, and once I went there on a Sunday afternoon on a first date with a woman I'd spoken to a few times but never met before. She asked me if I'd seen The Weather Project by Olafur Eliasson, the fourth in the annual Unilever Series of commissions for the Turbine Hall. When I said that I hadn't she was beside herself with excitement.

I drove there after picking her up, and as we parked she reached into her handbag and pulled out a spliff. "If you haven't seen it before" she said, "you just have to be stoned. Trust me." So we sat in the car for a while, smoking and generally getting rather giggly, and then went inside, and down the ramp into the Turbine Hall. Where I just stopped dead in my tracks. The hall was filled with a gentle machine-hum, and the soft orange radience from the "sun" on the far wall gave the atmosphere an almost surreal feel. I'm not sure if it was because we were stoned, but the feeling of complete calm was unlike anything I'd experienced before. It was awe-inspiring.

You may not have noticed from the photograph above, but at a point half-way up the sun, there was a suspended mirrored ceiling, creating the impression of a complete circle and providing a view of the entire hall for anyone who glanced up. So overpowering was the desire to look at the mirrored image above that almost everybody found themselves laying on the floor, staring up and losing themselves in the totality of the experience. My date and I lay down and didn't move for nearly two hours, chatting about anything and everything but really not caring too much. It was without any shadow of doubt the strangest, and the best, first date I've ever had.

My relationship with this woman became even stranger, it has to be said. On our third date, she came round for dinner, and it was no real surprise that, after a bottle or two of wine, we ended up ascending the stairs at some point in the evening. (In fact, when I suggested it she looked heavenwards and said "Thank you, God", which was, at least, indicative of a degree of enthusiasm.) I lay on the bed as she slowly undressed, and then - as she stood naked before me - she looked me straight in the eye and said "Now don't have a fright at what I'm about to do...". And with that, she shook her amazingly long, lustrous blonde curls and then carefully lifted them from her head, revealing a dark brown crop beneath. No more than a number 2 clipper in hairdressing terms, at most. I was completely astonished, and then incredibly aroused... and that night will go down in history as one of my wildest ever. And there have been some wild ones, believe you me.

Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for us in the longer term, but I still look back at those experiences with a smile on my face. And I really must check what's showing at the Tate Modern, which is, of course, where I started this post.

And so...

Another week begins. Lots to do, and probably not quite enough time to do it in, but that just seems to be one of life's challenges, always. We live in busy times.

The weekend was a good one... dinner with Cute Lawyer was fun, and the restaurant, and it's ambience, wove its magic. She said she'd never experienced a dinner like it, and probably never would again, and she seems to feel that we have... something. Time will tell - I'm not sure that I'm motivated at this point in time, but it's easy to get swept along on the tide of the moment.

Sunday started with a run in the cold sun, breath burning in my chest and muscles aching. The afternoon was one of fever-pitch excitement, as I watched my boys secure a valuable win that makes Eurpoean competition next season more of a reality. And then the children arrived in the evening, O looking radient as ever and S grinning self-conciously, hands clasped behind his back. It transpired that he had a present for me, a present that I'm sipping my coffee from as I type this post.

Yes, definitely a good weekend.

The weekend is here

Yesterday was a good day in more ways than one. I woke up to see the sun streaming through my bedroom blinds, although it was cold… a frost covered the rooftops as I looked out of the window, and in the garden the lawn was a sheet of white. It reminded me of a New York winter’s day. None of the greyness, and the damp, that characterises winter over here.

The children, who’d gone to sleep relatively early the night before, bounded out of their beds, and actually ate their breakfast with something akin to relish. (That’s enthusiasm, as opposed to the kind of relish you might have in your burger… that wouldn’t be good for breakfast at all.) O was particularly excited, because she was appearing in her class assembly as Katherine Parr, and knew I was coming to watch and take one or two pictures. She was wonderful, naturally, although my enthusiasm was dampened by the fact that I’d forgotten my house keys and knew I was going to have to dismantle one of the windows when I got home to get back inside. A fact that amused a friend of mine who was also at the school, as he’s been witness to many a DIY mishap at Chez WDKY in the past.

Later, in the afternoon, I went to watch S play football, and he scored a couple of goals and then performed a heroic slide-tackle to prevent the opposition putting the match out of reach. His team lost, but S did win the medal for the day’s best performance. It’s hard to explain what his love of football means to me, but suffice it to say that it’s been a way of life since I was a young boy, and is ingrained in my psyche. From August, S will have his own season ticket at Tottenham and so the cycle of regeneration, father to son, will be complete once again.

A strange thing happened earlier this week, in that I got a couple of emails form the Cute Lawyer who I stopped seeing when I made that very ill-advised decision to try and rekindle a fated (if not fatal) attraction with “C”. Anyway, we had a talk on the phone and have decided to have some dinner tonight and just see where it takes us. Maybe nowhere, but the dinner will be good – it’s in an amazing restaurant… a kind of Moroccan/Turkish mix, run by a very eccentric gay European whose name I can’t recall (but it’s worth recalling, I know that much). I’ve booked a little room at the back with low tables and scatter cushions, lit by candles… I do like it there.

Right. I have children to feed, exercises to do, and a day to plan. It’s sunny again, and I think we need to get out there and make the most of it. It’ll be interesting to see if O and S share my enthusiasm, because the speed with which they took up their positions in front of both Playstation and TV was awe-inspiring this morning.

Have a fantastic weekend, all of you.

HNT 20

God, I nearly forgot... still, a scrambled HNT snap before rushing out to a meeting and a haircut is an interesting enough way to start the day. I'm also feeling a bit rough from last night, to be honest. Too much to drink, and too much to smoke. Still, it was fun.

(PS Is it just me, or does it look like I have a heart in the middle of my back?)


Happy HNT

That's better!

Right… where was I?

Oh yes. As I got myself onto the subject of sex (again) I thought I’d expound on my views… just to make sure there are no misunderstandings. In fact, I was posting a comment on another blog and this subject came up, and afterwards I decided to offer something of an explanation for what might appear at times to be this slightly convoluted sex life of mine.

For me, it’s important that I feel a connection with someone if I’m intending to sleep with her. I’ve learnt that I don’t “do” casual sex, in as much as the act itself is anything but casual… it’s intense, and intimate, and demands more of me than a casual encounter could provide. So, whilst NML made me grin a while ago by saying I see “more arse than a toilet seat”, the truth is that I’m anything but promiscuous. Within the context of a relationship, I’m also entirely monogamous.

I haven’t hid, or even attempted to hide, the fact that I have one or two friends with whom I have a relationship that’s somewhat more than platonic. These are simply women who I know well, and we have a very real liking, respect and trust for each other. We’re entirely open about what “it” means, and only ever venture there if neither of us is involved with anybody else in a romantic sense. Now, it might be that some people have a view about this, or consider it somehow wrong. That’s absolutely fine – no-one is obliged to share my views – but I live my life according to my own moral code, not anyone else’s. And I’m happy with that.

My sister “H” is coming over for dinner tonight, a different kind of dinner to yesterday’s I hasten to add(!) and it’s the first time she will have seen my house. I alluded to a bit of family drama a while back, but she and I have managed to get past whatever obstacles were preventing us from reconciling, and I’m really glad. We’ll eat, drink, talk and no doubt get a little stoned. As I’ve got older, I’ve learned more to appreciate the value of family, although my own past in that sense was far from straightforward. I’m beginning to think that everybody’s was.

In the groove

I love that expression… so seventies, isn’t it? “Man, I’m in the groove.” Yesterday, I spent half the day preparing for a presentation to one of the world’s truly mighty corporates, and the second half delivering it. I was with a colleague who had won the opportunity to pitch, and if we win the job he’ll be using me as his resource in the UK. To say it’s a big opportunity would be something of an understatement, and after a couple of hours of intense grilling we left their offices and stopped in Soho for a coffee.

“Fuck me”, he said. “I think my hands are shaking”. I laughed, because he’s clearly lived a sheltered life.

“Listen, if you think that was tough you’ve clearly lived a sheltered life” I replied, not surprisingly.

I realise that I haven’t mentioned sex (shhhhhh...) for an inordinate amount of time. I’d hate you to think that this was because I have nothing to say on the subject. Tonight, I’m having one of my nicest friends for dinner. In more ways than one, as it happens… we have a very honest relationship, and whilst we see each other only sporadically, we really enjoy each other’s company. And each other’s bodies… hers is particularly exquisite, and I’ve decided that I’m going to have her both for hors’ deuvres and dessert. I may even have her as my entrée too. Let’s just forget dinner in the traditional sense. To say I can’t wait wouldn’t quite convey the sense of urgency that I feel.

For some reason, I also find myself sexually fixating on a friend of mine who also happens to be the mother of two of my children’s friends, and – more worryingly – one of my ex-wife’s closest confidantes. Now, I’ve found her attractive for a long time, but for some inexplicable reason I left a message on her voicemail a day or two ago in which I started off with the best of intentions but then found myself describing what listening to her voice had done to me in a physiological sense. I also had a dream about her last night that was so intense, and so life-like, it was almost as good as the real thing. We’ve been flirting with each other continuously for ages now, and I think I’m going to have to stop, before I do something really silly. Really silly.

Thoughts, images

Not surprisingly, I suppose, New York has been something of a theme in my thoughts lately. Prior to A coming over to live, I've been talking a lot to the children over here, making sure that they're comfortable with what's happening and don't have any insecurities or unanswered questions. They seem fine, but they're so sure of my love for them that it doesn't surprise me at all.

We were looking at some old photographs today, and recently Cat asked me what kind of photography I was into when I earned a somewhat meagre living with my camera. I still owe her a reply (sorry, Cat... put that right now) but I liked, in the main, portraiture (for which I had something of a talent) and street photgraphy, and both almost exclusively black and white. New York was my favourite place to wander aimlessly, and although I lost a lot of photgraphs in the burglary I found a few of NYC, some of which I scanned onto my laptop. I'd really like to share my favourite portraits here, but for obvious reasons I can't do that.

I was going to hook up with NML and Serendipity tonight, maybe for some drinks and something to eat, but as with so many plans it didn't quite work out. So it's going to be a quiet night instead. I may do some work, or just chill a bit and listen to some music. Whatever you're up to, have a good weekend.

I love this!

Or maybe something more inscrutible...

HNT 19

Yes, it's an early one... but I was in the mood, the sax was in my hand, and it seemed only natural, with Thursday fast approaching, for clothing to be removed. Wine, music, and digital camera... can you see the inevitablity of it all?

Happy HNT x

I should know better

I was talking to a friend on the telephone yesterday, and it was clear that she was going through some kind of angst. I think I'd describe it by saying she was trying to come to terms with reconciling the person she felt she was with the person that - years ago - she set out to be. I think that, in whatever way she had decided to benchmark herself as a woman, a person, a human being... she had somehow fallen short of the mark. But there was a steely determination there to work on it. Good for her, I thought - we all need to work on ourselves, and it's not easy sometimes. Anyway, it reminded me of a set of place mats that I bought a while back, each one with a black and white photo of a Hollywood legend, together with a quote at the side of the photo. Cary Grant’s impressed me and seemed quite… profound. I can identify with what he said, in fact, although just lately I think I may have been going off-track slightly.


I’m not sure if this is a quirk of mine alone, but I doubt it. Recently, I seem to have been reverting to my old behaviours, getting myself in “trouble” by complicating my life unnecessarily. Generally, this tends to involve some kind of inadvisable sexual endeavour. So – this week – I’m going to stay in a lot, read some books, and hopefully deal with some work that seems to have come in (well, I need to put some costs to something this morning following which I should get the nod officially tomorrow).

I’ve also been a little bit demotivated with regard to my blog… for a couple of weeks now, I’d say. Last night, I wrote what was going to be my farewell post, but then thought I’d sleep on it. This morning I changed my mind. I’m generally unsettled, and I’m beginning to suspect it’s because I want a particular kind of relationship that I don’t have, and that I haven’t had for quite some time. I’m almost inclined to think that what I miss is… well… ahem… being in love. And that, at times, I allow sex and love to become interchangeable, as though in finding one I'll find the other. It won't happen like that, of course. It's just that, now and again, something seems better than nothing.

That’s all for now. I’ve decided to shed some light on the New York connection in the next day or so. It calls for something of an expose on a period of my life in which I wasn’t very proud of myself, and I’m hoping it might just be cathartic. Who knows.

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Haloscan and tummy scratches

Edit: By way of an update, all Haloscan comments from this date onwards were ultimately lost after Echo/JS-Kit took over their accounts; Haloscan subsequently ceased to exist and anything not fully transferred over by December 2009 was archived and - effectively - lost at that point. Sadly, this has meant the loss of some very precious comments but it seems that nothing can be done about it. WDKY, December '11

I've decided to switch to Haloscan as it gives me a little more control over comments left as well as being easier to reply, and you'll now find the link at the end of each post. I'm really sorry that - in the process - I've lost the historic posts on the blog (they're not actually lost, but they are hidden, as I've deactivated the original comment function).

Please don't let it put you off commenting in future, as now I've made the change I'll be sticking to it. Oh, and no HNT today... I just had a little too much to do.

PS Clarification on Millie... she is actually the dog that my ex and I had, from a pup, when we were together. I can't remember how old she is now, but I think she's around 5 (I know, you can't really tell from the photo!) Lola was very carefully introduced to her as I held her (Lola, that is) in my arms, stroking and talking to her. She responded by giving me two very large scratches on my tummy as she hurtled out of my arms, and out of the window into the garden. I think this may take a little work!

An unexpected surprise

I received a call early this morning from O, shortly before she and S were due to come round. She asked if she could bring a little surprise along with her... and what could I say? So... meet Millie. I may have lost the custody battle, but it doesn't mean we can't still be friends, does it? Lola's not come in from the garden yet, but when she does I have a feeling that she'll ber singularly unimpressed. I don't think it's going to be pretty!

(Excuse the quality of the photo - it was snapped on my phone, as opposed to my new toy.)

Revelations

I realise, of course, that it’s all a load of commercial nonsense. But even with that realisation, the truth is that waking up alone on Valentine’s Day is like waking up without the children on Christmas morning - you can tell yourself it doesn’t matter, but somewhere there’s a little voice telling you “It does really… you know it does.” So here I am, posting on my blog and determined not to sound like I feel sorry for myself in any way. Because the truth is that I don’t… but maybe I feel just a little wistful for the life I once had. Looking forwards sometimes takes an effort, and I admit it. I did look over my shoulder quickly then. But there were good reasons for doing so.

I’ve been in a thoughtful mood for the last few days. I am something of a thinker at the best of times, but this week I’ve had something in particular to think about. Something that’s potentially going to be life changing, I hope in a positive way. It relates to a part of me that I haven’t written about before, something from my “other” life all those years ago, and my connection with New York. A city that I love, and in which I have a son of 19 and a daughter of 16.

For much of my life, I’ve managed to deal with some of the more difficult challenges that I’ve faced by compartmentalising them… it’s somehow been easier that way, although I always knew that at some point I would have to gather it all together with a sweep of my arms, and see where it left us. Now it’s happening. And – after just a moment of quiet panic – I’m glad it is, because there’s a reality to it that I like, and I need… that we all need, actually. I’ll try to write a little more about it, but for now I just wanted to get that down on “paper”.

So… a Valentine’s Day quote to finish off today, I think. How about this one…

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."

An awful dilemma

I’ve been facing a bit of a blogging dilemma for the last week or two, and it’s the main reason, I guess, that my posts have been a little less regular than they always have been. So I’m hoping that – if I explain myself here – everyone will tell me not to worry. And then it will help to ease the guilt that’s almost second nature to a boy who’s been brought up by a Jewish mother. Know what I mean?

Right… the thing is, I’ve actually been pretty busy, and I really need to pull my finger out even more in terms of marketing and PR. That probably means that over the next few weeks I’ll be even busier. The consequence of this is that I don’t have time to visit everyone’s blog each day, and I don’t like to visit some and not others. So, on the basis that I may go a day without commenting on anyone else’s posts, I feel that I should spread my own posts out a little more. Like every other day, or something.

Well, I was thinking about this earlier, and I’ve decided to attack my Blogroll from the top and the bottom alternately. (Hang on, what if I never get to the middle? Strike that.) Or maybe I’ll just knock an hour off my sleep each day? (No, I don’t sleep enough as it is.) I know… I’ll learn to touch type. Zooz actually bought me a Mavis Beacon CD-ROM for Christmas, so that’s clearly the answer.

Phew. Well, today, S was playing football after school, and as I had my new toy with me I thought I’d share a photo (trust me, it could have been worse). It was quite a proud moment for me today, because a couple of the other Dads asked when S would be eligible to officially represent the school (it’s next year) and then said that they desperately need someone with his speed and skill. Yes!!!!

Okay, I’m going to do the rounds tonight, so keep your eyes peeled on your comments. I love you all… (blow’s kiss and exits stage left…)

HNT 18 - Lola's debut

Well, I thought I deserved a bit of fun today, what with the run of bad luck I've been having of late. So, when the postman bought a stack of vouchers, courtesy of my insurers, to spend in the local electronics shop I decided to upgrade the camera that was stolen and revert to a decent SLR again. 8 megapixels of decency, actually. I've been playing with it this evening, and it just might be enough to give my former passion for photgraphy a much-needed kick up the arse. We'll see, but it's certainly a rather lovely, and very functional, piece of kit.

In view of the fact that I've had no camera for a while, I haven't really had time to do justice to any more revelations so far as my own body is concerned. But the girl in my life deserves a HNT debut, I think. So, that being the case, I give you... Lola. The only girl, in fact, that I can rely upon to lay on my couch every night with her legs in the air.

Sleepover part deux

Okay, I realise that I haven’t provided any kind of update on the night of the sleepover. It’s scandalous, and I’m ashamed of myself for taking so long to write today’s post. Work, two children, a cat and two amazing games of football on the television are hardly an excuse, I realise that. So… let’s see…

I cooked a pretty fab dinner if I say so myself… roast lamb, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, a green salad, and apple pie with extra thick cream for dessert (make’s me wonder why the fuck I’m single, actually!). We got through a couple of bottles of wine in rapid succession, and opened a third as we sat down in the lounge, slightly the worse for wear but pretty chilled and enjoying catching up. (I would have rolled a spliff at this point, if the rat bags who burgled my house hadn’t gone off with my hand carved antique wooden stash box that I bought in Prague!) Anyway, at some point she wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water, and came back holding a box containing a very strange battery operated shoe polisher that someone bought me in an “Everything for a Pound” shop in Brighton. “What on earth’s this”, she asked as she walked back into the room. I gave her the obvious answer (!) to which she replied “Have you ever tried… you know. Using it on something other than shoes?” (I know… where do I find them?)

To cut a long story short, we spent the next half an hour testing the different brushes on various parts of each other’s anatomy. Of course, we started on the wrists, the back of the neck, even the soles of the feet (the fluffy brushes were particularly nice) and then - gradually - got a bit more daring. Now, bearing in mind that we were more than a little inebriated, it would have taken an iron will, an incredible sense of responsibility, and a man who knows he’s got a hot date on Saturday to eventually lead her up the stairs and deposit her, as planned, in O’s room for the night. And to stay in his own bed, depsite the fact that just a couple of yards separated two hot, pulsing and rather polished bodies. But I’m happy to say, that’s precisely what I did. I even ran her a bath in the morning and refrained from getting in with her. Sometimes, I surprise myself… not often, but sometimes.

Now, tell me honestly… are you disappointed?

Sleepover

I seem to be surrounded by temptation at the moment, and it’s proving to be quite a test. Of mind and body, I might add. I wonder if resisting temptation is more important than living for the moment… or maybe there’s no hard and fast rule. Every case on its merits… do unto others… consenting adults… the list could go on and on, couldn’t it? Just don’t tell me to follow my heart – I’ve heard that one before and it didn’t do me any good then, either.

I have a friend from college coming for dinner and a sleepover today. That doesn’t mean she’s a very old friend, because I didn’t graduate until I was 40 (that’s a strange story too - I ended up going back as a tutor after surprising myself. And everyone else, for that matter). Anyway, we’ve kept in touch over the last few years, and the idea is that she sleeps in one of the children’s rooms. The problem is, of course, that there’s a bit of attraction there, and the wine will be flowing tonight.

Anyway, I had an email from the girl I went out with last Saturday, saying she was a little perplexed. And that she had detected a slight “disconnect” towards the end of the evening. I thought I’d sent a fairly unambiguous response, although Zooz, having cast her beady eye over the correspondence, said that she’ll now be more perplexed than ever. (Mind you, she’s a right one to talk!)

Right… I have some dinner to cook, so I won’t ramble on any further. I haven't had a lot of time to visit all my favourite blogs today, but cut me just a little slack. I'm not at my most organised this week, for some reason.

Random thoughts 15

It’s funny that, even when we think we’ve pretty much learnt it all, there are still some lessons out there. For me, it wasn’t so much of a lesson this time, perhaps, as confirmation of what I already knew. Which is this… if I don’t feel a sexual attraction towards someone from the off, it doesn’t matter how much I like them, because it isn’t going to happen. On Saturday I went out on a second date with someone who – as a person – I really have a connection with. But the truth is, I just couldn’t imagine anything physical ever happening. I saw her again because I wanted to get past that obstacle. It seems… shallow. But in retrospect I’ve decided it isn’t shallow at all. It’s just the way it is.

I was thinking about this today and I think there may be a valid gender distinction to make here (and I really hate gender distinctions normally). By which I mean, women seem - to me, at least - to be more able, and more willing, to work on the sexual issues in those same circumstances. To give it some time, and to see what might develop. Maybe I’m wrong about that, though.... it has been known.

The week has been okay, all in all. I’ve been busy, and it looks like there might well be some work (yes, activity for which I’ll be paid!) looming. For some reason I seem to be in an excellent mood at the moment – no particular reason that I can think of, I just am. And I have a rather nice plan for next Saturday evening, involving my guest from the night of the burglary, which I’m looking forward to. She’s desperately trying to find my blog, but hasn’t discovered Google Blog Search as yet, and I think I might just keep that one to myself for now!

Speaking of which, I seem to have been AWOL since HNT, so I'm going to spend a while now catching up with what’s been going on. I guess it may be a late night.

HNT 17

I have a bit of work to do at the moment, so all I could come up with today was a slightly different take on an old theme. Sorry it isn't more... original, but I'll endeavour to come up with something more creative next week.

For now, though... have a very happy HNT!

Shopping and chicken soup

Well, it's now over week since my "misfortune". Having wallowed (embarrassingly) in self-pity for a couple of days, I decided to be proactive.

Please note, therefore, the rather attractive external hard drive in the background of the photo on the left, set for an automatic daily backup routine of all files. This is going to be supplemented by a download to CD-ROM at the end of each week. It's a bit bloody late, frankly, but better late than never (as they say).

Yesterday, I did a bit more shopping. It was quite funny, actually, because the girl in the sports store couldn't reach the bats (they were suspended from the wall at a child-proof level) and actually asked if I could lift her. This proved harder than one might have imagined, and I suggested she get on my shoulders (although for some reason she declined).

Anyway, I'd like to draw your attention to the scrupulously clean bedding as well as the rather funky bat, because this is apparently unusual for a guy living on his own. Oh, and anyone intending to visit my home for nefarious purposes - be warned. I'm likely to hurt you, probably quite badly.

I went over to Zooz's house for her birthday dinner last night, and had a thoroughly nice time in the company of not only Zooz but also Daughter of Zooz and Grant. The food was excellent, the grass was sublime, and the chicken soup I took home in a plastic container smelt gorgeous. Happy Birthday for Thursday, Zooz!!!

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