Change? What change?

Well, first of all – thank you for the comments on the last post. I would have responded to all of them (I know, I’m getting lazy, aren’t I?) but I’ve been a little preoccupied. I was pleased with the letter too, and no, I haven’t had a reply as yet. Mind you, the postal service to and from Mumbai is notoriously bad, and I had to send the letter c/o Anu’s address in any event. So we’ll see, and if I do get a response I’ll let you know.

Now, I suppose I should tell you what happened when I went to Tenerife to collect my, errrmm… package. There were some tears, but they were Mami’s and weren’t entirely unexpected, and we duly arrived back here on Tuesday evening. Poor Bea looked a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights at first, but after some food and other physical requirements were addressed (!) she was fine. As I’m typing this – it’s about 7.30 in the morning – she’s keeping the bed warm, but I need to get the kids some breakfast and take them off to school. After that, it’s a visit to my solicitor to sort out some details relating to my divorce and by then it’ll be a little late to go back to bed, I imagine! Seems like a waste, doesn’t it?

I won’t pretend that we both feel like things are completely normal, because they actually feel slightly… well, different. But I guess that’s to be expected, and the hardest thing is going to be to just take a little time in sorting out all the things that need to be done (finding work, registering with a doctor and dentist, getting a National Insurance number, etc etc etc). I feel a huge sense of responsibility to get everything organised as quickly as possible, but at the same time I’m incredibly busy and have the children to take care of. And I want things to be seamless for them so that they don’t feel as if there’s been a huge change over here. I think that’s important.

So the adventure has started. Are we completely mad? Probably. Do we care? Not at all. Personally I think you have to take some chances in life, because anything worth having carries some degree of risk. And the main thing, above all else, is that my Spanish will come on a little quicker now!!! Hasta la vista, baby.

Remembering Anu

I hadn't intended to post today, but last night one or two things that occurred turned my thoughts to Anu, and I found myself reading various tributes to her (including the comments on my own post of December last year). And whilst doing so it occurred to me that I hadn't let anyone know whether their comments had been passed on to Anu's parents or not, and that it might be important to you... something for which I apologise.

Well, I did indeed write to them although it was something that I found quite hard to do, and I also wanted to wait a respectful amount of time... but fairly recently I sent the following letter. I attached all the comments that were left on my original post - although I removed any specific blog references, because I thought Anu's own thoughts should remain something between her and whoever she had made them known to before her death - and I hope that I managed to do justice to how we felt about a truly wonderful person.

You know, the tears still come sometimes, for someone I never met in person. That say's it all, I suspect.

Dear Mr and Mrs Xxx

Even though this letter is one that I’ve delayed writing for some time, I’d like to start by saying that it’s an honour to be finally sending it. An honour because in Anita (or Anu, as I knew her) you raised the most wonderful human being who ever crossed my path; for that reason, whilst you may consider this in some ways an intrusion, I felt that I had to write to you to express how I – and many others – were left touched forever by her spirit, and her beauty.

I should explain that she and I “met” through an on online community that writes and publishes journals or “Blogs” on the Internet (often, but not always, for others to read and comment on). To be honest, I can’t recall how Anu and I stumbled upon each other, but we developed a truly wonderful relationship. Not only did we communicate through the medium of blogging, but we wrote to each other often and - after a short while – spoke on the telephone; and it was such a pleasure actually hearing each other’s voices that we did so subsequently a number of times. In fact, we exchanged Birthday presents and other small gifts by post too, and I soon considered her to be a very special and close friend, and loved her very much.

I knew that I was going to write to you at some point, but really didn’t know how best to articulate what I and others felt about Anu’s sad passing. But then I realised that there was indeed a way in which I could show you the joy that she brought to so many of us… and so I posted an entry on my journal, and invited those that knew her to leave their comments in the knowledge that they would ultimately find their way to you.

And so, below, I’ve reproduced that journal entry, together with the comments left “in memorium”. Being strong regarding Anu is something that I find quite difficult at times, but the love expressed below is something that can only bring joy and wonder. I can’t imagine ever knowing anyone again who will have such a profoundly positive impact on everyone she touched. She was a brave, kind, and wonderful girl, and whilst I offer my condolences for your sad loss I must also thank you. You must both be so immensely proud of her.

Below is my journal entry (dated 19th December 2006) followed by the comments left by others. I’m sorry if they cause you any pain, but I know that they’ll also bring you much joy.

With love and best wishes,

Xxxx Xxxxx

And now I'm off to bring my Cuban home. Have a lovely weekend, all of you.

One small step for man...

What do you do with a blog when you’ve got time to post occasionally but your life’s so mental that despite the best of intentions getting around to leave comments is nigh-on impossible? Do you stay or do you go? (Okay, it’s a rhetorical question so no need to answer… but it really has been impossible). So, no Musical Monday this week – I was working until 1am – and just one last post before the weekend. This one.

And the truth is that this is quite an important post in the scheme of things. If you’re wondering why, I’ll tell you… it’s effectively my last as a single man. Single in the sense of living alone, because next time I do this Bea may very well be in the lounge… or making one of those gorgeous Spanish meals that she knows I love. I don’t think she’ll be looking over my shoulder, but you never know.

I’ve had quite some time to think about these developments in my life, most recently when I was sitting listening to some music during a work-break yesterday. And he thing is, I really Ido love my life right now; and I love living alone. It’s strange, but from the moment I split with my ex everything just seemed to fall into place. In fact, I can’t actually remember a single occasion when I’ve wished for company, or felt in any way that life was passing me by. And now – well, in a matter of days – all that is going to change.

The journey I’ve been on for the last three plus years has at times been an intense one. I’ve scrutinised and considered every element of who I am, and at times I’ve not been particularly happy with the result. But I’ve also grown as a person, and realised that I can cope with almost anything that life can throw at me. And, despite the fact that I’m comfortable with how things are right now, I know I’m ready for this next adventure. I have no idea how sustainable things will be, but I do know that Bea and I really love each other, and have an almost tangible connection that makes all the differences between us unimportant. Is this enough?

I think maybe it is.

Sorry...

Oh god... what an awful day. I've had BIG computer problems, thanks to Windows (fucking) Vista. I've barely been online for two days, and have had no chance at all to visit or comment. Sorry, I know it's rude of me ;-)

I feel like I want to throw my laptop off the roof. Or pull my hair out. Or punch someone in the mouth! But there is some news that isn't bad, fortunately... firstly, I'm typing this whilst looking at a rather funky 24" widescreen monitor! Honestly, it's like being at the movies. Oh, and a client who was giving me endless grief has come back with a job, and whilst it'll be a complete nightmare it'll secure my year for me, all being well. Three months of very hard work, but with two other projects on the go I should be able to keep Bea in the manner to which she'd like to become accustomed!

Speaking of Bea, she's now sold her car (bless) and is apparently looking forward to dinner with another one of her gay male friends tomorrow night (ha ha - of course, all her male friends are gay. She must think I was born yesterday). Luckily, I'm a trusting sort of guy without an ounce of jealousy in my entire body.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Right, got to get on, and see what's wrong with this bloody computer.

(My god, it's another week closer... )

Musical Monday

My ex is in Las Vegas for her 40th at the moment, which means I have the kids for a week – until Thursday morning. It’s been lovely, because they’re off school and so don’t need to stick to their usual routine. Late nights and late mornings, and as I don’t sleep more than a few hours a night anyway it’s been kind of relaxing as the mornings are nice and chilled. Today we went to the movies AND I stayed awake throughout the film. RESULT!!!

The Date is getting closer, of course, and it’s becoming slightly all-consuming. I’m trying not to get nervous, but I’m not entirely sure that it’s working… but then I guess that’s understandable. And I’m so busy at the moment that the last week and a half of my present lifestyle is going to just slip past unnoticed. Maybe that’s the best way, though… no time to worry about anything, save for clearing out some drawers and wardrobe space (and that’s no easy task).

Well, it’s another late one this week but I’ve managed to squeeze it in whilst it’s still Monday. Better than last week, then… my penultimate Musical Monday as a “single” man. And I realised today that I’ve been quite remiss in that I’ve never featured a track from The Smiths. They’re a band that people seem to either “get” or… well, not get (and if they’re new to you they’re worth a bit of perseverance.)

I’m putting matters right this week, with one of my favourite tracks – That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More. My advice? Play it loud, and listen to the end. Then play it again, and wallow in it a little. After that, go check out Amazon.

By the way, it was touch and go whether my track was going to be Bigmouth Strikes Again instead. Maybe next time…



If you want join in with Musical Monday, just stick this in your sidebar or on your post, but change ALL the brackets to the pointy ones first:

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What if...

I went to Rochester, in Kent today. I was with my brother and the kids, and we were going to pick up a car that he’d bid for on eBay. It was a Fiat Coupé 2.0 Turbo (I’ve owned one myself, and they’re like bullets) and he’d foolishly left a £200 deposit on it and then found it wasn’t in the condition that he’d been led to assume by the listing description. Suffice it to say that there was almost a fight in the street (I even took off my sunglasses in readiness) and on the way home Dan said to me “What if…” because I’d talked him out of buying the car he originally wanted.

Anyway, I started thinking, and concluded that our lives are shaped by the choices we make, almost unthinkingly, but that have so many repercussions for us afterwards. I mean, what if…

I hadn’t checked the strange mobile I found that night in my ex-wife’s jacket pocket – just to see if there were any messages on it. And yes, there were messages – they just weren’t the kind of messages I wanted to hear…

Or I hadn’t written a silly little note to Bea when I was on holiday with the kids, because she’d stroked my face when she was talking to me at the bar one night. I thought I was acting like an idiot even as I sealed the envelope and wrote her name across the front…

Or I hadn’t been such a fool during my first marriage, because my behaviour didn’t give the relationship much chance of survival. I doubt we’d have stayed together, but what twists and turns would our lives had taken…

I could go on. So many instances where choices were made without any inkling of the consequent impact. We try to plan ahead, but the truth is that none of us can… not really. And maybe that’s what makes everything that happens to us along the way manageable, somehow… because we don’t know what’s around the corner. Good or bad, things never stay the same for long.

I sometimes think that the choices we make go some way to defining who we are. Not because of what we did at the time, but because of what we learnt by doing it. And as someone or other said once, “To err is human, to forgive Divine". Or something along those lines.

Musical Monday Tuesday

Well, you may have noticed that I’ve been AWOL for a few days (then again, you may not have noticed). Actually, I’ve been continuing my whistle-stop tour of Europe, seeing but not seeing some of its finest cities. This time it was Brussels... up at 4am, home again for early evening... although I must admit that I was so knackered that I just fell asleep in front of the TV after dinner. C’est la vie, as they say (in, errrmm, France).

All this loitering at airports is beginning to get on my nerves, but it’s paying the bills. And I need all the cash I can get because if all goes according to plan I’ll have a little surprise waiting for Bea when she gets here (shhhh... don’t say anything but I’m hoping its going to have four wheels and an Alfa Romeo badge. I said SHHHHHH!)

I had a Spanish lesson this morning, and because I’m tired and have loads of things on my mind, I was complete crap. Cristina didn’t seem to mind, because she spent the lesson laughing so much that she wasn’t listening anyway. I’m not sure what set her off – it might have been when I kept saying (in Spanish) that Bea’s hair is blonde (she kept telling me I’d got it wrong) or when she asked again how old she is. All I had to say was “veintenueve” and she was almost on the floor again. I think I’m going to ask for a rebate :-)

Anyway, it was Musical Monday until not that long ago, and as its my game I’m going to cheat and post a Musical Tuesday this week. I was wondering what to offer you all, but then had a bit of an epiphany as I drove past a local underground station. So today it’s Faithless, and “Flowerstand Man”. (They're a bit like whelk stalls, but you can still see one or two if you look hard enough.) Oh, and that was a good call, J... Dido's brother Rollo is indeed one of the band, and that was her singing. She was a guest vocalist on Reverence, which was Faithless' debut album.



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