Monday, January 30, 2006

Being an adult

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been to understand and accept how my actions, whether intentional or not, have caused others around me to suffer in some way… to feel pain. It’s easy, of course, for me to excuse myself on the basis that I was young, or that I was “following my heart”. The fact is, though, that responsibility for my actions can only sit with me. It’s one of the things that comes with being an adult, and like it or not, you can’t avoid it.

This evening, I knew I had to have a conversation that required complete honesty. I could have ignored what I knew I felt, and I could have somehow dealt with it in a way that didn’t leave me as exposed as I knew I’d feel… exposed to what was an inevitable response. But I’ve been a coward before, and I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth. And, just for a while, I think I’ll allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel… a sense of loss, perhaps, or a glimpse of my own vulnerability. Whatever, it’s done.

I found my first client today, by the way. Not a big one, and we still have to meet (not for three weeks, unfortunately) to agree on scope and cost, but it looks like it might be a nice, regular job each quarter. Just a few days work each time, but still… I think I’ll celebrate with a vodka and tonic. Cheers.

Edit: I'm sorry if this is a wierd post... I didn't set out with weirdness in mind, but it developed into a post of my thoughts. Me to me, almost. I was actually talking about a situation where a friend wanted more from me than I was able to give, and the consequence is that I've lost a friend. I could have compromised us both on what would have been a gamble, but it didn't feel right to do it.

I'll try to be a little less obtuse in future.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Pink champagne and bacon bagels

It's a beautiful day today... a clear blue sky, and crisply cold without that usual dampness that's synonymous with the British winter. It feels like everything is fine with the world, and I'm about to get changed and run a few miles, soaking up that vitamin D and enjoying the rawness of the cold air hitting my lungs. That burn... for some reason I love it.

I'd intended to have a quiet night last night, but a friend emailed me during the day and we decided to go out for a meal in a local restaurant. When I got to her place, though, it was just too... cosy. The heating was on, the candles were alight, and there was a bottle of pink champagne in the fridge. So Saturday night consisted of not one, but two bottles of champagne and a couple of bacon bagels. Strange, but also strangely perfect. Sometimes nights like that can't be planned, they just need to... happen. She called me this morning, and said "You know, WDKY, sometimes I wonder if you're real or if I just imagined you somehow"... I so know how she feels. ROFL.

Oh yes, I did something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago. It kind of seems a bit late now, but I have a strong sense of comfort that, yet again, I've learnt from my mistakes. I make lots, but rarely the same one twice! Here - see for yourself... can you guess?

Friday, January 27, 2006

Through the wringer

I really do feel like I've been through the wringer this week. It started off last Friday, when some little git on a scooter drove into the side of my car and then drove off without exchanging details. After that, the burglary, which - having not experienced anything like it before - was strangely draining emotionally. The next day, I learnt that the project I was told unofficially I'd won had gone to someone else... there will be others, but this one was perfect, and high-value - I wanted to win it as the pressure would have been off for the rest of the year. Then, yesterday, the police called to say they'd recovered some papers, and I spent most of the day seeing what could be salvaged from the mass of sopping wet, muddy and torn documents that had been left in some bushes near the local school. Finally, this morning, Mum called to say one of her cats had died last night as a consequence of liver failure. It's been the kind of week that nightmares are made of, and because of all the upheaval I've barely seen the children.

Well, they're here tonight, and it's the weekend. I've decided this is kind of like starting a diet... from next Monday it's going to be business as usual, and in the meantime I'm going to enjoy being with the children and having a quiet, peaceful Saturday night. No dates, no sex.

But hey - that was some week, wasn't it? I found myself laughing as I was thinking about it earlier, which I hope is a good sign, as opposed to an indication of some kind of mental instability or temporary, stress-induced insanity. Now, if I can just stop myself lying awake all night, hammer to hand, listening for sounds of forced entry...

Enjoy your weekends, and don't leave any doors or windows unlocked. Trust me, it's good advice.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Getting a grip

Well, I've had a mope, sworn at the cat, felt like a complete idiot, and sulked for a few days. Now, though, I've decided that it's time to pick myself up off the floor and get a grip. I've got a hell of a lot to do, and I'm going to get on and do it.

My computer is fine, and is probably better than the old one - it'll cost me, but what's done is done. And through a good network of friends, I've managed to get some of the data I lost, restore a lot of my documents relating to the new company, and I'm now hoping that some new leads will result in a little business coming my way before the end of the month. I also managed to get hold of my marketing database, so I can begin mailing and contacting new clients again. All is not lost, and the police called yesterday to tell me that they've recovered one of my box files - I have no idea what's in it because it's with forensics at the moment, but hopefully some of my papers and documents will still be there.

So, feeling a little better about life last night, I locked all the doors and windows and went out on a date. She was... well, nice enough. No chemistry, but it was a fun evening. And, bizarrely, Zooz was in the same restaurant on a date as well, so I even got a sympathy cuddle for good measure. And we had a good laugh comparing notes when we both got back to our respective homes - apparently my date wasn't quite "cute" enough for her liking. I don't know about that, but she was a TV producer, and dropped some excellent names throughout the evening! To be honest, it was a little too close to my rather lovely evening (well, burglary aside) of last weekend for me to take it seriously, but the arrangements had been made ages ago and I didn't want to cancel at the last minute.

I'm going to take a tour of the blogs I normally visit later, and would just like to thank everyone for all the very kind comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It really did help, because I was just a little bit miserable. But hey - life's too short, and there's too much opportunity out there to sit around dwelling on misfortune any longer. I reckon I'm due some luck, failing which I'm just going to have to make my own!

(By the way, anyone who uses Firefox should take a look at the Performancing for Blogger extension - it's outstanding, and allows posting to your blog without having to go through the Dashboard. Try it.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Things can only get better

Apologies if I don't do the Blog rounds for a day or two - just trying to get myself straight over here.

Hmmm… where shall I start? Okay, Saturday then…

Well, a few of you guessed right, in that I was intending to visit a friend who had asked if I might fancy, errr… ahem…. Well, we’ve known each other a long time, and we’re both single at the moment. So, to cut a shortish story even shorter, I said yes. In the event, she decided it was easier to come over to me, and so I went shopping in the afternoon for some dinner, and then stepped out of the shower even as she was parking on my drive.

I think it may be best if I spare you the details of the evenings activities, but suffice it to say that I didn’t start cooking until gone 11 o’clock, and by the time we’d finished eating it was getting on for 1am. I suppose we fell asleep at around 3, and as I forgot to turn off the bloody alarm clock I was awake pretty early and dying for a cup of coffee. I slipped out of the bedroom, went downstairs, and nearly tripped over what had been the contents of a kind of side-table shelf in the corner of the lounge. I immediately wondered what was going on, because I knew I hadn’t left them there, and in any event an antique carved wooden box – which I paid an absolute fortune for on a trip to Prague last year – was nowhere in sight.

I could see into the kitchen, and most of the cupboards and drawers were open, with the contents strewn over the work surfaces. As I looked, I realised with a feeling of complete dread that someone had been in the house. And as I turned towards the door to my office - which is an extension at the back of the house - I could barely bring myself to check if my worst fears had been realised. But check I did, and sure enough my laptop and case had gone. And my laptop had every piece of data I could possibly need to get the business up and running… models of contracts, specifications, systems, processes, graphics, databases… you name it, and it was on there, as well as three month’s worth of work setting the company itself up prior to January. All gone, and all irrecoverable. (No, I hadn't backed it up yet - I'm a prat! Ed)

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had two large box files with pretty much every important piece of paper that I’ve ever kept, along with passports, letters, stuff from Mum and Dad, old pictures and paintings from when the children were babies, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, title deeds… I don’t even think I want to go on with the list. The laptop and the box-files were quite simply the two most important things in my house, and (barring the children, of course) probably in my life.

Of course, I called the police, but I’m really just going through the motions, and I’m just going to have to get over it. I have literally months of work to get back to as close to the position I was in as I can, and even then it won’t be remotely close. It’s just a complete and utter disaster. Oh, and on top of everything else, my insurers are already causing me as many problems as they can, and I’m going to have to fight just to recover anything from them. Bastards.

It’s almost funny, in a vaguely hysterical way, that moments after I was being told on the telephone this morning that "things can only get better", I received a call to tell me I didn’t get the job I’ve been pitching for. Now, I know I need to put it all in perspective, but I think that – just for a little while – I’m going to just stay as I am. REALLY PISSED OFF.

Which pillock was it who said “what doesn’t kill you...”??

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Message From WDKY

wdky has asked me to post a message on his behalf.

Last night he was burgled and the fuckwits nicked, amongst many things, his laptop. This means, of course, that he won't be posting or responding to any e mails for a bit.

He's fine but I'll leave him to tell you at a later date, how devasting the effects of this burglary will be for him.



Just got back online with a new laptop and a somewhat lighter bank balance. Thanks for the messages/comments - I'll post a little later and let you know what's been going on. It hasn't been a very good couple of days :-(

Saturday, January 21, 2006

A friend in need

Can you believe it's the weekend again? Where does the time go... and it's going to be a good one. It's sunny, Spurs are at home, and it's me, my son and my brother there today. A family affair, and there's something I love about that.

I'm posting a little early today, as I got a surprise email from a friend of mine a couple of days ago... well, the email wasn't a surprise as we email each other all the time, but the contents were. So I'm off tonight on a kind of... errr... well, let's call it a opportunity to help a friend. I won't be around later, in fact until tomorrow, but I will catch up on what everyone's up to then. I promise.

Oh yes, the phone call... well, I was told yesterday that I'd edged in front, and a decision is imminent. I'm not going to worry about it (yeah, right), and if it happens it happens. Anyway, there's something to be said for living for the moment, and worrying doesn't fit that philosophy very well.

Enjoy the weekend, all of you.

Friday, January 20, 2006


romantic (rō-măn'tĭk)

  1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance.
  2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance. See synonyms at sentimental.
  3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere.
  4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions.
  5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past.
  1. A romantic person.
  2. often Romantic A follower or adherent of romanticism.

I was just watching an episode of Nip Tuck… I tend to dip in and out of the series, but every time I catch an episode I’m amazed at it’s ability to capture… what? Maybe just the human condition. Tonight, though, was an episode for the romantics.

Someone asked me a while ago what I meant when I said I was a romantic. I answered that any response I could give would be too simplistic, but afterwards I thought I may have meant the opposite… that any answer I could give would be too complex. There’s a conundrum for you.

I find the whole subject of love quite fascinating. On the one hand, I like what a lot of the evolutionists have to say. But, if I were one, I’d believe that love was just an endocrinal process to ensure procreation, and the continuation of the species. But, as an almost-atheist, I’m no creationist either. I’ve decided that it’s best if I don’t try to label myself – I don’t let others do it so I won’t do it either

If I hadn’t just been watching television, I would have told you that a friend of mine sent me a joke today, and it really tickled my sense of humour. It was definitely my kind of joke.

A man walked into a dentist's office and said, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on.”

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Calm yourself

I’m trying to keep myself busy – making some calls, filing my expenses, dealing with a couple of overdue jobs – but I must be honest. I’m beginning to bite my nails, as I was expecting a call by now. I must keep saying to myself over and over, “have no expectation… have no expectation… have no expectation...” I think I’ll make a lousy Buddhist (if I ever get myself to that retreat I keep thinking about, and actually start to sit every day).

The trouble is, of course, that the longer I wait, the less optimistic I become. The role is also slightly less strategic, and slightly more hands-on, than I would normally pitch for, and one or two questions were raised yesterday that kind of indicated that the fact hadn’t gone unnoticed. Oh well… I can’t influence the decision any further, so I’m going to try and think about something else.

Right… I guess I’ll post an update later (gulp). In the meantime, here's another thought to finish with for now…

“The greatest degree of inner tranquillity comes from the development of love and compassion” (The Dalai Lama)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I wish I was in bed

I wish I was in bed. I could be, of course… I just need to power down my laptop, brush my teeth, kiss Lola goodnight and ascend the stairs. Sounds quite easy, really. But there’s something about sitting in my office in the early hours of the morning that I love.

The window to the garden is open, and there’s a cool breeze hitting the side of my face as I type. It should be colder, but for some reason it isn’t. The night air has a certain quality about it, though… a kind of stillness. Most of the lights in the houses around me are off, and it feels like I’m the only one awake. If I didn’t have a busy day tomorrow, I’d almost like to sit here until the birds start to sing in the morning. But I do have a busy day tomorrow, and an important one. I have the final meeting to secure my first commission, and dark bags under my eyes won’t help, I wouldn’t have thought.

I spoke to S, my son, this evening and we were chatting about his project on Greek Gods and Goddesses that was handed in today (he’s eight). Yesterday, we printed it off and bound it (the binder was one of the first things I bought for the new company, and this is the only time I’ve used it). It looked lovely, with a clear acetate cover on the front and board on the back. I asked what his teacher said when he gave it to her, and he replied that she told him it looked “posh”. I’m not sure if that’s good or not, but it did make me laugh.

Right. Window closed, last cigarette of the day finished… I’m off. Sweet dreams, all.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Thinking aloud

Last night I made no plans whatsoever. This is relatively rare on a Saturday night, but as I’m completely uninvolved romantically at the moment, and the children were with their mother, I decided to take a bit of a break from the world at large and just lose myself in the oasis that I call home.

Over the last few days, I’ve found myself going through one of my introspective phases, and by early evening, as dusk settled and thoughts turned to cooking, I was pleased to be alone. I checked what movies were playing on Sky and was absolutely delighted to see that Roman Polanski’s “The Tenant” was due to start at ten o’clock. Now, The Tenant is definitely a flawed work, with scenes held slightly too long, a plot that sometimes seems too predictable, and acting that – even with co-stars like Shelley Winters, Isabelle Adjani and Melvyn Douglas – leaves something to be desired.

But I love the kind of moody, slightly threatening atmosphere the movie creates, and Polanski’s playing of the lead role, a timid Polish immigrant trying to start a new life in Paris, is fascinating. For some reason, the film reminds me of one of my favourite novels, The Insult (written by Rupert Thomson). It could almost be a parallel universe, set anywhere, at any time. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Anyway, the reason for this rambling critique is that everything was, in a sense, perfect last night and I ended up in that place, mentally, that enables a kind of “absolute” clarity of thought. I don’t really know a better way to phrase it, but it was one of those times when there was a certain transparency to my life. The good and the bad, the positive and the negative. Yin and yang.

I’m sure that the key to being happy is acceptance. Acceptance of the past, and acceptance that we can’t manipulate the future. I suppose it sounds like I’m stating the obvious, but sometimes its nice just to think aloud.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Tagged by Hammy

4 Jobs I have had
  1. Barman (actually, there's a really shocking animal sex story I could tell you. Gross.)
  2. Photographer (those were the days. I almost made it too.)
  3. Store manager (took it past the £1m. Once accidentally pooped in the window.)
  4. Consultant (trust me, I’m a doctor. Actually, of the management kind.)

4 Places I have lived
  1. London (many different areas, and still do. Ish.)
  2. Ipswich (loved it. Oh, and I got engaged there)
  3. Norwich (shacked up with two gay lovers but didn’t join in. Not even once.)
  4. Various digs, far too seedy to mention (really. The stories I could tell.)

4 TV Shows I like
  1. Battlestar Galactica (brilliant, outstanding, wonderful.)
  2. X-Files (come back please… I think I love you.)
  3. The Office (ditto. Please don’t think I mean the US version.)
  4. Buffy (phwoar. And also because I was sent a very funny joke about it yesterday.)

4 Places I have Gone To On Vacation
  1. New York City (almost moved there permanently.)
  2. Aquadulce, Spain (had an apartment there.)
  3. Somewhere or other in Portugal (made a bit of a change.)
  4. Llarn, Wales (included because I lost my virginity in a tent there.)

4 Web Sites I Visit Daily
  4. My company’s website (well, I can’t exactly post the URL, can I?)

4 Favourite Foods
  1. Macaroni cheese (I blame Mum for that.)
  2. Lamb shank (I fucking love it.)
  3. Sausages and mash (with onion gravy, preferably. HAVE to have it if it’s on the menu.)
  4. The kebabs you get next to the Tottenham stadium

4 Places I would Like to be Right Now
  1. In Halle Berry’s mouth (did I say that?)
  2. Sandwiched between Kylie and Danni Minogue (Halle’s welcome too!)
  3. Anywhere without an Internet connection or a mobile phone signal
  4. Back in bed. Who’s coming?

4 People I don't Like
  1. George Bush (representing politicians everywhere.)
  2. Osama and all related cohorts
  3. My sister's 4th husband (remember him?)
  4. Bigots, homophobes and (most) Arsenal supporters
Now, I won't tag anyone but feel free to continue this on your own blog or in the comments - just tell me if you do it on your blog so I can make sure I read it.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Random thoughts 14

Well, it’s been an interesting week, all in all, and it has to be said that I’m looking forward to the weekend with relish. Although it’s not like I won’t be going into the office, because the office is now at home. Still, it will feel like the weekend, even if there won’t be a change of scenery.

I had a lovely, relaxed evening last night in the company of NML, who’s even nicer in person the she appears to be on her fantastic blog. We went to my favourite Thai restaurant in Soho right next door to Ronnie Scott's (they actually know me when I walk in – I love that) where she endeavoured to eat despite being in a state of shock through thinking I was going to be wearing a white suit. A white suit? Come on, NML, I drive an Alfa! Anyway, the food was beautiful, and all the waitresses are from the Far East... they're very attentive, smile at you adoringly and proceed to misinterpret almost eveything you ask for. I love it there in the summer, when they throw open the upstairs windows onto the hustle and bustle of Soho below, with street entertainers, Hari Krishnas and wonderful jazz bands providing the entertainment in this melting pot of a city.

Speaking of “that car”, it went in for its annual service last week, which on its own amounted to £330. I also have to find another £600 for the other stuff that needs doing to it, including a second set of new tyres (I bought a set last year too, and the cars only 2 years old!). Good looks are so often part of a high-maintenance package, aren’t they?? I think I may have to revert to my biking days at this rate… I don’t know what clients would think if I turned up to meetings in full leathers, but the idea has its attractions…

C and I are officially over, before we really started. It’s a shame, but I can do without any kind of ambiguity in my life at the moment, as I really need to focus on work. I’m already a little behind on one project for M due to chasing down the opportunity I’ve referred to elsewhere on here (and a load of other work-related stuff that occupied my time) so my first priority is to get that job done. Next week I have my final interview/meeting with The Potential Client, by the way, and apparently I’m doing okay so far. Keep you fingers crossed for me.

And have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

HNT 15 - and 20,000 hits

I can’t believe it myself, but yesterday afternoon What Doesn’t Kill You received its 20,000th hit – drum roll for Kimberley, who unfortunately didn’t leave a return address with her comment, but who would otherwise have got something rather special. Kimberley, if you read this let me have your email address and/or blog URL so that I can pay you the appropriate homage and/or send you a little something.

I remember saying after hit no. 10,000 that I never set out with the intention of gathering any kind of readership, and I can only thank everyone again for stopping by so often. I try to write from the heart, and hopefully I succeed in this respect. That said, I can only aspire to write as beautifully as some of my fellow bloggers regularly do. And, thank god, for every nut-job out there, there are also dozens of genuine people who offer a little glimpse of their lives, and their thoughts, for the rest of us. Oh, and I think we should have one big party at Chez WDKY when the needle hits 50,000 – what do you say?

In all the excitement, I nearly forgot that the whole purpose of this post was to celebrate HNT yet again. So, I give you my hand, and the interior of my Alfa… a beast of a sports car, with – sadly – very little interior room for any real exposure to be undertaken. But you should hear the roar of that engine…

Happy HNT


Oh, and one more for KOW...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Happy Birthday, Mum

This is my Mum and Dad’s engagement photo, so as you can imagine it’s quite a few years old (don’t you just love Mum’s beauty spot?). Dad died nearly 7 years ago, but today is Mum’s 75th Birthday. What’s a man to say, except Happy Birthday, Mum!

Some years ago, there was an incident involving me, my sister, her 4th husband and the Mafia (yes, really – and Big Lou wasn’t involved) which resulted in me losing an enormous amount of money and almost going bankrupt. Believe me, it’s a long story, but consequently I ceased contact with my entire family for about 6 years. During that time, my father died in hospital of cancer, and I wasn’t told until about a week after he was buried. I was devastated, and for a period I think I hated all of them for being so unbelievably cruel.

A few years later, during the period of my marriage break-up, I attended a conference at Cambridge University, and remember sitting in my room one day, feeling more desperate than I ever would have thought possible. At that moment, and after 6 years of silence, I knew I needed to speak to my mother. I don’t think I’d ever felt that need before, but I acknowledged it for what it was and, with a sense of trepidation, dialled her number. It took me three attempts, as it was so long since I’d called her that I kept getting the number wrong, but finally she answered the phone. At the sound of her voice, I started to cry, and didn’t stop for about 45 minutes. In fact, this memory is so strong that – typing this – my eyes are welling up again.

Mum just listened, and did her best to offer some comfort, and I went round to see her a couple of days later when I got back to London. I can only say that calling her was the best thing I’ve ever done (okay, one of the best things I’ve ever done). We’re closer than we’ve ever been, and I love her to bits. We’ve learnt not to talk of the past, and just to enjoy the present, because that’s the only way it can work for us. And I regret those years when, to all intents and purposes, I had no family.

So, once again, Mum… Happy Birthday. I love you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

No going back

It always seems to be the way… that, for some unknown reason, a set of circumstances will transpire to occur together, or a number of unrelated events will suddenly all fall into place and get you thinking that there is such a thing as divine intervention after all. Coincidence, or fate?

Well, to a lesser extent, I was only recently reading another lovely post from KD about what (for me, at least) is an almost constant conflict between heart and head, between instinct and reason. My life has certainly been interesting, but whether anyone would – with the benefit of hindsight – say that I’ve always acted rationally is another matter. But I’ll always be a person who responds to feelings… it’s the way I want to be, and I’m quite prepared to suffer whatever consequences come my way. It’s important to be true to yourself.

So, an email from C arrived early this morning, in response to mine sent just before I went to bed last night. I wasn’t pushy, and I didn’t ask anything particularly profound. I just wanted to know where we stood, and whether there was any kind of parity between what we were feeling for, or about, each other. Well, it seems that I should have paid more heed to what I knew all along, if I’m honest… try as you might, you can’t go back. There was a moment, all those months ago, when something special happened. But through accident or design it was only a moment. A snapshot in time, since which so much has happened and so much has changed. And what she wants to do now is to apply reason to something that I want to be instinctive. To be careful, to be measured… to follow her head. What I wanted was to follow my heart.

I’ll let her know how I feel later this evening, and then retreat to momentarily lick my wounds. There are some good things to come out of today, though… the Boss suit looked wicked, and my new keyboard got fitted to my laptop. Oh, and I think I’m in with a shout for the project I’m after. All in all, then, not such a bad day. And hey, if relationships were easy there’d be fuck all to blog about.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Ouch 2

Well it’s a big day tomorrow, and it’s necessitated the first shirt-ironing of the New Year as I have a meeting with a potential client to go to. It’s between me and one other guy and if I’m successful it’ll mean three days work each week for the next three months. Not at a particularly good rate, but to be honest I wanted to get the first one under my belt, and the last thing I was going to do was price myself out of it. I’ve also decided to get my new Hugo Boss suit out of the wardrobe… the last time I wore it was at the fateful wedding when I fell asleep and woke up when everyone else had left. So… wish me luck because I will be one very unhappy Blogger if I don’t get it.

I’m just about recovered from this morning’s trip to the dentist, too. Some time ago I badly cracked one of my back teeth eating some kind of nut or other that had the density of rock. Or something much, much denser than rock. Anyway, today (after much wringing of the nurses hand) the root was whipped out. I was in fucking agony but managed to get some mega painkillers from the local pharmacy this afternoon, so hopefully I’ll get a decent night’s sleep tonight and look nice and chirpy for tomorrow. (Okay, unlikely.)

I haven’t called or emailed C just yet. I keep getting strange texts that, whilst not being quite monosyllabic, are not dissimilar to the “Hello” of yesterday. I’m beginning to seriously believe that I’m a nut-job magnet.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Confused, London

Apologies for being a little lax in my reading and commenting over the last couple of days… I was somewhat diverted in terms of my blog-time, but will be playing catch-up properly later today. No more snow since yesterday morning so I think I’ll try to get a bit of shopping done too… I found a hole in my favourite black jumper last night and I need an emergency replacement. (I spend most of my life in black for some reason or another.) By the way, I quite fancy one of those low turtle (NOT polo) necks… are they a bit naff?

Anyway, last night’s date, then… I drove over to C’s house in the early evening and then we went back up to North London for a drink and something to eat. Conversation was pretty easy, the food was good, it was a nice restaurant… really everything was fine. But it was the strangest feeling as if neither of us really knew what was going on. We didn’t even understand if we were on a date, or just catching up since we last saw each other.

We left the restaurant at around 11.45. Although C was getting texts from her daughter jokingly asking her why she was coming back home, I knew that I had to give us both time to think about what we felt, and whether this was going to be something we pursue in a romantic sense. And the truth is, even this morning I really didn’t know. C say’s that she feels we need to communicate more, and “properly”. I agree with her, although communication isn’t something I ordinarily find difficult. It just shows though, that you can’t take anything for granted.

I’m going to go for a run now because normally when I run I achieve some kind of clarity of thought. I have a feeling that this might be an exception and that I’ll need to just make a decision – give it a go or accept that too much time has passed and move on. And of course C will no doubt be thinking along the same lines.

Oh dear.

Update: I received a text this evening... it said "Hello".

Oh dear again.

Friday, January 06, 2006


I have a headache tonight, and so am just going to use my post to send some messages to various people. You’ll have to forgive me – I promise to do better next time.

To C – can’t wait to eat see you tomorrow. Don’t worry, leave the arrangements to me (bless…).

To Zooz – sorry if I was a bit brusque. I can’t even blame it on PMT (okay PMS).

To Mystery Blogger – so that’s what you sound like :-)

To J’s G – your comments aren’t working, and I think you need to set your blog to accept all comments (including anonymous) and take off word verification. I was trying to say that you’re using a Typepad adaptation that would be a nightmare to convert to three-column. Also you need to resize the banner image to 760x200 and set the width of your profile picture to around 150.

To everyone – sorry, but it looks like Videocode.ORG is down which is why the music isn’t working. It was/is a track from one of my fav’s though (Tricky).

Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend and gets up to as much mischief as humanly possible. I know I will ;-)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT 14

I was just sitting in the office, minding my own business, when it occurred to me that it was gone midninght. In other words, thursday. And as my daughter always reminds me, that means I have to do that Thursday thing, although with just my phone on the desk, and feeling pretty lazy, I took the easy option and decided on a shot of my Levis and, errr... my feet. Well, I was going to leave it there, but a pang of conscience soon had me whipping off the jeans and exposing the full extent of the WDKY legs to the world at large. Admittedly, they're just a normal pair of legs, but I've always been quite attached to them.

Happy HNT, everyone.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Random thoughts 13

Well, my new career has started, officially, and it’s… well, quiet. At least for now, as I’m waiting for a post-holiday meeting to pin down the job that’s being proposed for this and next month. And I’m about to do something for M today (just in case you’re reading – I’ve been finishing off my work for the ex-employer, so excuse the short delay) and tidy up some of the documents that I’ve been putting together for future use. All in all, a nice situation to be in, but here’s to my first fee account of the year!

Yesterday, I spoke to C on the telephone, and I have to admit that she seemed rather pleased that I’d suggested our dinner date. I’m going to just take things as they come, without too much expectation or assumption, but at least I’ve acted on the feelings that had been simmering for so long. At the same time, I cleared things up with Cute Lawyer – in fact, I was very honest about what was going on, and she was very appreciative of that, saying some lovely things by way of goodbye. A moral there, of course, although I made a decision a long time ago that I’m always going to be scrupulously honest with anyone that I may be seeing.

So, that’s it really… HNT tomorrow, and for now just another little poem from Rumi. It’s called “I Swear”.

I swear, since seeing your face,
the whole world is fraud and fantasy.
The garden is bewildered as to what is leaf
or blossom. The distracted birds
can’t distinguish the birdseed from the snare.

A house of love with no limits,
a presence more beautiful than Venus or the moon,
a beauty whose image fills the mirror of the heart.

Monday, January 02, 2006

I smell danger

I’ve been thinking about her – C, that is – for a long, long time. We only went out once, but as dates go it was really quite… something (well, you only have to follow the link in my last post to understand what I mean by that, I suppose) . And since then, month after month, I’ve been wondering why I let her slip through my fingers. And if I’m honest I’d have to say that she gave me every chance to change my mind. If you were to ask me why I didn’t, I’d say to you that I have no idea. But the truth is, I do have an idea. I smell danger.

Anyway, I was chatting to Zooz today, and she told me that I have to get in touch with her. Because, otherwise, I’d never know. And so, some time today when I gathered myself sufficiently, I sent her an email, just to tell her how much I’ve been thinking about her, and to thank her for keeping in touch. Oh, and to ask her if she’d have dinner with me.

She said…


Sunday, January 01, 2006

Plus ca change

I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I feel very different. It’s… well, it’s Sunday. I’ve just watched a movie (and, I admit, cried at the end, but only for a minute) and now I’m posting on my blog. A pretty seamless transition into 2006, all in all.

Last night I went over to Cute Lawyer for dinner and to see the New Year in. I met her two beautiful daughters, but only as a “friend” of their Mum… I was completely captivated by them, though, especially the younger one, who’s seven, and who kind of took to me as soon as I walked through the door. We ended up doing handstands for some reason, and had a great meal, lots of wine, and then some champagne as the clock struck midnight.

If I were to be entirely honest I’d have to say that I’m not entirely convinced that she’s the woman for me. Not that there’s anything tangible wrong more that I just don’t feel… hmmm. Something. That thing that makes us tingle when we first meet someone. And – at the same time – I’ve come to realise that I let someone go a while back who I should have realised was very, very special. Remember the post about an amazing girl I called “C”? I can’t seem to get her out of my mind, and she’s made a point of keeping in touch over the last few months, including a really sweet Christmas card on top of the emails and texts. I don’t know for sure what this will mean in terms of consequences, but I’m going to give it some thought and then do whatever my heart, as opposed to my head, tells me is right.

At the same time, GG has started another psycho email offensive. She alternates between telling me what a disappointment I’ve proven to be and then implying that I’m her soulmate, the love of her life. And apparently I feel the same weay, but I’m too frightened to admit it. This one, the fourth tonight, hit my inbox as I was staring to type this post…
“An hour of silence… or a night of gorgeous sex…before you taste another woman… I still have your taste in my mouth…do you have mine in yours?

I’d love to lavish your cock again once more. I know all the skin, all the wrinkles… and see your beautiful house one last time… I feel you are my true love….my only one in this earth, past or future…

I am so truly sad... Do you believe in fate?”
Sorry if that was a bit explicit, but it's what I have to read when I check my mail. I mean, for fuck sake, give me a break! I think it would have been advantageous not to have behaved like a complete lunatic from hell, GG, in retrospect. N’est pas?

I hope you all had a great time over the New Year, anyway... I have a strong feeling that 2006 is going to be an important year, for some reason. Lot's of us seem to have reached some kind of watershed in our lives, and it'll be interesting to look back this time next year... I wonder what we'll be feeling. I hope we're all in a good place, though.