Monday, January 30, 2006

Being an adult

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been to understand and accept how my actions, whether intentional or not, have caused others around me to suffer in some way… to feel pain. It’s easy, of course, for me to excuse myself on the basis that I was young, or that I was “following my heart”. The fact is, though, that responsibility for my actions can only sit with me. It’s one of the things that comes with being an adult, and like it or not, you can’t avoid it.

This evening, I knew I had to have a conversation that required complete honesty. I could have ignored what I knew I felt, and I could have somehow dealt with it in a way that didn’t leave me as exposed as I knew I’d feel… exposed to what was an inevitable response. But I’ve been a coward before, and I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth. And, just for a while, I think I’ll allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel… a sense of loss, perhaps, or a glimpse of my own vulnerability. Whatever, it’s done.

I found my first client today, by the way. Not a big one, and we still have to meet (not for three weeks, unfortunately) to agree on scope and cost, but it looks like it might be a nice, regular job each quarter. Just a few days work each time, but still… I think I’ll celebrate with a vodka and tonic. Cheers.

Edit: I'm sorry if this is a wierd post... I didn't set out with weirdness in mind, but it developed into a post of my thoughts. Me to me, almost. I was actually talking about a situation where a friend wanted more from me than I was able to give, and the consequence is that I've lost a friend. I could have compromised us both on what would have been a gamble, but it didn't feel right to do it.

I'll try to be a little less obtuse in future.

25 comments:

K.D. Morgan said...

Kind of a cryptic post but congrats on the new client (and steady work).

wdky said...

Yes, it was, FD. Apologies, but it was one of those occasions when it was just therapeutic to put pen to paper, so to speak. And thank you.

wdky said...

FD? I know you haven't changed your name, so it must be me!

kimberly said...

wdky: it is really brave what you did. it is so difficult and so rare. congratulations on your client! enjoy your vodka and tonic.

Caterpillar said...

Interesting post, and it can be so incredibly hard to open up that way and possibly hear difficult things. I still haven't gotten to that point myself.

Congrats on your first client!

kimmyk said...

in my head I'm screaming snarky comments....BUT! I'll refrain and just say .....

yeah for your first client!

wdky said...

Kim, thanks, and I did. It was a large one.

Cat, ditto, and thanks with regard to the new client. God knows, I need them all!

Kimmy - snarky? You? Surely not ;-)

T said...

It hurts when you must say words that you know will cause another pain. It hurts in unspeakable ways which is probably why you had trouble articulating it. I'm so sorry you've lost a friend. Must have been someone you cared for very much or you wouldn't have felt the need to write it here. I hope time will make it better and wounded feelings will heal.

Here's to your first client.
The first of many I'm sure.

I don't do vodka, but I will have a glass of bourban tonight to celebrate with you.

{{{wdky}}}

heather said...

i knew exactly what it was you were talking about i jsut didn't knwo if you did or not! lol

your friend still must respect you for being honest
i know i do

first clients are cool
i want one
lol

ladylongfellow said...

I completely understand. I know what it feels like to have to tell someone you aren't on the same sheet of "love" music they are on or to be told that yourself. Both suck, equally. It's better to be the adult and tell and give the closure then be a coward and run from it though.

Hey, ummm....if I have 4 Goodyear eagle tires how much you wanna pay me for them? lol

blueprincesa said...

WDKY-- it was very brave of you to be so honest with her, and it was without a doubt the kindest thing you could have done. I've been that girl before, the one on the guy is running away from instead of explaining things to, and I can say from experience that nothing is worse than not knowing the truth, or than knowing that someone didn't have enough respect for you to tell it to you. I told him later: "Yes, the truth hurts, but it always hurts less than anything else," and I believe that very strongly. Hopefully, after your friend has had a little time, you can be really be friends again.


xoxo

Scarlet Pussy said...

Never be sorry for saying how you feel or expressing yourself.

I'll celebrate with you ;)....
i'll take a vodka Cranberry, thank you.


Sorry about the loss of your friend, its unfortunate that things have to be the way they are sometimes. But, like they say, life goes on.

mez said...

well congratulations on your first client. Here's to many, many more!

....being honest is always the way to go wdky. You took the right path.

anu said...

Wdky, so much truth and innocence in your feelings.
So much beauty in your expression of vulnerability. Its touching.Thanks for sharing wdky.

Congrats on your new client:)

k o w said...

Well done.
&
Not obtuse.

NML said...

Ooh well done on the new client. And there was me rabbiting on to you for ages yesterday and you had that news. Just tell me to shut the f up next time! I love the cloak and dagger bit and I hope that you aren't feeling too vulnerable :-)

J's Girlfriend said...

And I thought being an adult is when you have to do your blogging in your lunch break rather than during actual work hours! How wrong was I. Maybe when I round 30 it'll all become clear..?

FireCracker said...

I'm sorry you lost a friend. Being honest with someone is never easy, but it's usually for the best. It takes courage and shows the type of person you are.

Congrats on the new client - the first of many!

networkchic said...

My dear WDKY, because you are able to be honest even when the outcome may cause discomfort, is one of the reasons I'm so drawn to you. You seem to have this ability to be honest yet do it in such a way that compassion surrounds the truth you tell. So many times in this life of ours we are faced to accept truths with no cushion. Whether or not someone can accept those truths is another story. If someone chooses not to be your friend based on those truths, that is out of your control.

P.S. your posts that reveal tiny bits of your soft soul, intrigue me.

SL said...

Hmm. What sort of friend do you lose when you are honest with them?

Answer that one, wdky.

sirreene said...

YEAH! on the job and the honesty. Friends get mixed signals all the time, can't sleep with all your friends can you?

wdky said...

Sorry - run out of time today as I'm just on my way out... thanks for all the comments that I haven't responded to individually. All read, and all appreciated.

sky said...

Congrats on the client!

As for the friend...if she is a real friend she will be back once she licks her wounds. You did the right thing and we both know you are saving yourself for me :P.

SurvivingOnlineDating said...

Congrats on the new client...feels great doesn't it? :)

Blondie said...

Congrats on the client.

Honesty is the most bitter fruit at times... I'm sorry you've lost a friend for it.

take care