One of the hardest lessons in my life has been to understand and accept how my actions, whether intentional or not, have caused others around me to suffer in some way… to feel pain. It’s easy, of course, for me to excuse myself on the basis that I was young, or that I was “following my heart”. The fact is, though, that responsibility for my actions can only sit with me. It’s one of the things that comes with being an adult, and like it or not, you can’t avoid it.
This evening, I knew I had to have a conversation that required complete honesty. I could have ignored what I knew I felt, and I could have somehow dealt with it in a way that didn’t leave me as exposed as I knew I’d feel… exposed to what was an inevitable response. But I’ve been a coward before, and I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth. And, just for a while, I think I’ll allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel… a sense of loss, perhaps, or a glimpse of my own vulnerability. Whatever, it’s done.
I found my first client today, by the way. Not a big one, and we still have to meet (not for three weeks, unfortunately) to agree on scope and cost, but it looks like it might be a nice, regular job each quarter. Just a few days work each time, but still… I think I’ll celebrate with a vodka and tonic. Cheers.
Edit: I'm sorry if this is a wierd post... I didn't set out with weirdness in mind, but it developed into a post of my thoughts. Me to me, almost. I was actually talking about a situation where a friend wanted more from me than I was able to give, and the consequence is that I've lost a friend. I could have compromised us both on what would have been a gamble, but it didn't feel right to do it.
I'll try to be a little less obtuse in future.