Saturday, July 15, 2006

Biting the arse that feeds you

Holiday Countdown = 8 Days

From my experience, both personal and anecdotal, guys who live on their own have a tendency to develop routines for pretty much everything. It’s a bit like being institutionalised, and it’s why any man who’s lived on his own for a number of years becomes almost undateable. There should really be courses they can go on. I’ll never reach that stage, of course, because I’m in touch with my feminine side.

Anyway, when I get up in the morning, I tend to go through my own little routine that goes something like this...
  1. Jump out of bed, and look out of the window to make sure my car’s still on the drive (yep, I live in a good area)
  2. Pull on some drawstring trousers and find a pair of flip-flops
  3. Have a bit of a stretch, then go downstairs where I...
  4. Nip into the office and boot up my computer
  5. Go into the kitchen and put on the kettle
  6. Wander from room to room, opening the appropriate number of windows/doors to reflect the nature of the weather at the time
  7. Whilst the kettle’s boiling, have a pee
  8. Wash my hands, make a strong cup of coffee and check my emails
Now, as most men will tell you, the first pee of the day is not the easiest to direct, but there I was, wrestling with nature, when something quite horrible happened. A fucking huge mosquito flew out from under the rim of the loo and headed straight towards my... errmmm, cock. Without thinking, I instantly reached forward and caught the little bastard in my hand, not realising that in doing so I’d be left with minimal ability to exercise any influence on the morning monster, and thus creating a situation that can best be described as inconvenient.

Now the thing that occurred to me, as I was reflecting on this over my well-earned cup of coffee, was that - had I sat down unsuspectingly - that mosquito would almost certainly have bitten me right on the arse. So now, it’s quite possible that my morning routine will have to incorporate another step. Along the lines of “Check under toilet rim for anything resembling a biting insect BEFORE peeing.”

Anyway, moving swiftly on...

I wrote a while ago about Red, she of the beautiful bum and the falling panties. Anyway, Red’s just got back from Greece where she apparently bought me some ceramic beaded necklaces. Hmmmm. Well, it’s her Birthday today, and she’s invited me to her party, so that’s where I’ll be tonight, no doubt partaking of the odd spliff and generally behaving appallingly. Whatever you’re up to, I hope you enjoy your weekends, and I’ll catch up with you over the next day or so. And remember, look before you sit. You can’t be too careful.

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