Friday, December 23, 2005

Bitter sweet

I’m very much aware that, although it might seem that I share some extremely personal aspects of my life with the world at large, a substantial part of that life, and who I am, remains private. Or, at least, has remained private to date.

For now, I think I’ll leave it that way, but I will touch upon something of my past in saying that the last couple of years have been, at times, incredibly difficult for a host of reasons, not least of which has been the need to somehow adapt to having my children with me for only half of each week. The nights I stay in our house alone are often spent trying to sleep in the almost tangible stillness. A stillness that seems to somehow dissipate when I know that those two little bodies, breathing softly and often covered in a little layer of sweat as they snuggle under their duvets, are just a few inches from me on the other side of my bedroom wall.

This life isn’t one that I would have chosen for us. My marriage, whilst not perfect in every way, was one that I believed to be solid, and I’d reached a stage in my life where I loved to be home, to do those simple things that we all have to do just to keep things going day to day. When that ended, it hit me harder than I imagined anything could, and quite a few months living on vodka and tranquilisers are certainly testament to the frailty that’s to be found even in those of us who think we somehow possess superhuman strength.

Well, a lot of things have happened in those two years, and my life now is very different, and for the most part as happy as I could ever have hoped it would be. Saying goodbye to my children on Christmas day, though, and watching them leave knowing that this Christmas – and all the others from now on – is one that I’ll only share a part of with them, still hurts, and always will. So, I’m dedicating this post in the same way as I’ve dedicated my life… to my children, and their happiness, not just over Christmas, but always. They don’t define who I am, but they do represent everything that’s important to me, and the main reason that I’m proud of the person that I've grown to be. Far from perfect, but at least heading in the right direction.

I’ll try to keep track of all the blogs I normally read over the next couple of days, but I know it’ll be difficult, so I’ll take this opportunity to wish everyone out there a really wonderful holiday, and sign off with an extract from The Little Book of Buddhism, written by none other than the Dalai Lama, and given to me as a present by a woman with whom I very nearly had something quite special, and might have done had our lives been a little more aligned than they proved to be…

A blossoming tree becomes bare and stripped in autumn. Beauty changes into ugliness, youth into old age, and fault into virtue. Things do not remain the same and nothing really exists. Thus appearances and emptiness exist simultaneously.


Thanks for the lovely comments, everyone

27 comments:

j said...

Merry Christmas Wdky.

those kiddies of yours are lucky, just as lucky as you to have them. that you want to be with them will make all the difference for them and one day they'll thank you for it.

you are a good man.

sirreene said...

This post has an oddly familiar ring to me. I am sure the time that you do spend with your children will be absolutely perfect. Enjoy the holiday and the warmth of your family!

MG said...

THAT was a perfect title for this post...

Merry Christmas to you as well... your children are lucky to have you, even if circumstances aren't perfect...they never are...but reading words/emotions like this, I'm convinced they'll be better people because of you... even if your time with them is only part time ;)

just know Time Flies...enjoy every moment...

Serial said...

Merry Xmas. Have a good one, mate.

zoozan said...

awww, mate

Darkneuro said...

Excellent quote, I'm stealing it. And buying the book ;)

***HUGS*** There. That's the sympathy factor. It is tough, that you can't be with them all the time. Friend of mine got through it by giving her kids 'mommy' toys, just stuffed things to sleep with, and they stayed with her when the kids went with Dad, so if she really needed a snuggle and they weren't there, she had her 'mommy' toys. As you say, far from perfect, but heading in the right direction.

Merry HoHo to you too, WDKY...

New York Moments said...

Happy Holidays! One of the best quotes ever is from Under the Tuscan Sun. "Life is strange."

crazylittlekitty/Emerald said...

"Thus appearances and emptiness exist simultaneously."
I would change that to: "Thus fullfillment and emptiness exist simultaneously."
I like to think the fullfillment part, balanced with the emptiness, is the best way to be. It keeps us humble and warm inside all at the same time.
When I think of you with your kids, I feel warm inside, as I do for all people with thier beautiful kids, and it gives me hope.
Here's to a year ahead with more fullfullment than anything else, balanced with the wisdom of emptiness.

Love,
Emerald

Blondie said...

Ah T...

You're walking down the path that I'm starting. I never thought my marriage would go totally to pot like it has. And I never thought I'd pack my kid into a car to spend a holiday seperate from me. This year is the first of those that I have to "share".

I don't have sage words, I don't have 100% sympathy because I haven't walked those miles in your shoes yet. I do feel your ache though.

You're a loving father T and that is so much more than can be said about a lot of men.

I do have lots of warm hugs though too.

A warm merry Christmas to you & yours ok?

xx
R

blueprincesa said...

That was beautiful, WDKY.

Annalis said...

WDKY, beautiful post. Considering what I am going through this year it really hit home. Your children are very lucky to have such a loving father.

Have a very Happy Holiday.

Sher said...

I am in such a miserable state right now and reading this made me realize that I am two years behind you. The relationship between a Father and his kids is so special. This seems to be the only thing that keeps me holdng on even though I am so desperately unhappy.
Too bad we all can't get together (all these blog mates) and hit a nice pub somewhere. We have all shared our lives and yet if we passed each other on the street we'd just keep on walking. Anonymity at it's best.

(((many hugs)))

Merry Christmas!

ladylongfellow said...

I can completely relate with you. Although this year, due to circumstances we're actually all together on Christmas morning. Which oddly enough, I'm not looking forward to with the hubby.

Merry Christmas to you also!

FJL said...

Take care, it's still and silent everywhere today. Look after yourself. xxx never mind about the other day, it means nothing. Have a peaceful, non-pressured Christmas.

Honeysmack said...

You are a man of my own heart. Such a proud loving father and a great catch. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a horny new year full of promise and good loving xxx

hamrose said...

It's a weird thing isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if I knew it was going to work out the way it did would I have still done the same things, because everything is so complicated now. I'm having a terrible time trying to date! I keep sizing guys up thinking "Would I want this guy around my kids?" And then, you just don't know what to do. It's a big mess....at least for now. Well, have a Merry Christmas. Really, all they want to know is that you love them, that's all. Give yourself a break, your doing the best you can my friend.

Caterpillar said...

This is beautiful, so perfectly written and perfectly said. I can't say anything more...other than that I feel a sense of peace after reading it. Thank you for that, you wonderful man!

Caterpillar said...

This is so beautiful, so perfectly written and perfectly said. I can't say much more, other than that after reading this, I feel a sense of peace all around me. Thank you for that, you wonderful man!

Mine Is a Gin said...

A beautiful post, wdky
You have gorgeous children and a wonderful relationship with them. I wish you all lots of love for Christmas and New Year
x

NML said...

Have a lovely Christmas. This was a great post and I hope that you you have some lovely quality time with the kids over the holidays. I was one of those kids whose parents had broken up and I remember only good Christmas' and your kids will too with their great dad {{hug}}

TJ said...

Anthony,

That was a heartfelt post, and beautifully written. Your children are lucky to have a father who cares for them as you do. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

TJ

Carrie said...

Merry Xmas and wishing you all the best for the new year. *hugs*

paula said...

u know how we women are... we think we can fix the world with a hug and a kiss and that's exactly what i would like to do right now.... give u a hug and tell u everything's gonna be alright....feliz navidad from spain

networkchic said...

You know I can only imagine how hard it is to say goodbye to your children not just on Christmas, but every day, knowing that there will ineveitabley be some part of their lives that will be lived somewhere outside of your space. I suppose we could say that's all part of growing up, but the truth is that when parents divorce, that time comes upon us too quickly. I remember every Christmas watching my own father cry as he kissed us goodbye to send us off to our 'other home'. Life is hard WDKY, and I'd like to say it gets easier, but I now believe just when some things get easier, other things take their place in line. When we become parents sometimes we're faced with that decision to stay some place so our children will be happy or fulfill our own need to be happy? Somewhere, there is a happy medium but it is never without consequence. I think you are most definitely a wonderful father and the nights your children are laying just a stone's throw away, they feel your love penetrating even the thickest walls. Sometimes if you are strong enough you can wrap them in your love so that no matter where they lay their heads at night, your love is still what's keeping them warm.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your little angels...

blueprincesa said...

I like your new picture.

FRQSTR=18869299x207671:1:1440x207671:1:1440|18869299|18869299|18869299|18869299; BSUID=1 said...

KING KONG on Christmas--what could be more perfect, really? Well, it would be nice if Kong could have lived and brought everybody a very special jungle Christmas--but alas it was not to be.

Naomi Watts=hottest babe on the face of the earth. Have you seen her naked as hell in 21 GRAMS yet?

trouble said...

I also went through a divorce this year and had exactly the same melancholy feelings on Christmas afternoon, that not only my life, but that of my children, had been altered forever during 2005. They will never again celebrate a Christmas with their whole family, or at least, it appears unlikely from this vantage point.

It's sad.

Lovely post.