Monday, February 20, 2006

I should know better

I was talking to a friend on the telephone yesterday, and it was clear that she was going through some kind of angst. I think I'd describe it by saying she was trying to come to terms with reconciling the person she felt she was with the person that - years ago - she set out to be. I think that, in whatever way she had decided to benchmark herself as a woman, a person, a human being... she had somehow fallen short of the mark. But there was a steely determination there to work on it. Good for her, I thought - we all need to work on ourselves, and it's not easy sometimes. Anyway, it reminded me of a set of place mats that I bought a while back, each one with a black and white photo of a Hollywood legend, together with a quote at the side of the photo. Cary Grant’s impressed me and seemed quite… profound. I can identify with what he said, in fact, although just lately I think I may have been going off-track slightly.

I’m not sure if this is a quirk of mine alone, but I doubt it. Recently, I seem to have been reverting to my old behaviours, getting myself in “trouble” by complicating my life unnecessarily. Generally, this tends to involve some kind of inadvisable sexual endeavour. So – this week – I’m going to stay in a lot, read some books, and hopefully deal with some work that seems to have come in (well, I need to put some costs to something this morning following which I should get the nod officially tomorrow).

I’ve also been a little bit demotivated with regard to my blog… for a couple of weeks now, I’d say. Last night, I wrote what was going to be my farewell post, but then thought I’d sleep on it. This morning I changed my mind. I’m generally unsettled, and I’m beginning to suspect it’s because I want a particular kind of relationship that I don’t have, and that I haven’t had for quite some time. I’m almost inclined to think that what I miss is… well… ahem… being in love. And that, at times, I allow sex and love to become interchangeable, as though in finding one I'll find the other. It won't happen like that, of course. It's just that, now and again, something seems better than nothing.

That’s all for now. I’ve decided to shed some light on the New York connection in the next day or so. It calls for something of an expose on a period of my life in which I wasn’t very proud of myself, and I’m hoping it might just be cathartic. Who knows.

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