Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Revelations

I realise, of course, that it’s all a load of commercial nonsense. But even with that realisation, the truth is that waking up alone on Valentine’s Day is like waking up without the children on Christmas morning - you can tell yourself it doesn’t matter, but somewhere there’s a little voice telling you “It does really… you know it does.” So here I am, posting on my blog and determined not to sound like I feel sorry for myself in any way. Because the truth is that I don’t… but maybe I feel just a little wistful for the life I once had. Looking forwards sometimes takes an effort, and I admit it. I did look over my shoulder quickly then. But there were good reasons for doing so.

I’ve been in a thoughtful mood for the last few days. I am something of a thinker at the best of times, but this week I’ve had something in particular to think about. Something that’s potentially going to be life changing, I hope in a positive way. It relates to a part of me that I haven’t written about before, something from my “other” life all those years ago, and my connection with New York. A city that I love, and in which I have a son of 19 and a daughter of 16.

For much of my life, I’ve managed to deal with some of the more difficult challenges that I’ve faced by compartmentalising them… it’s somehow been easier that way, although I always knew that at some point I would have to gather it all together with a sweep of my arms, and see where it left us. Now it’s happening. And – after just a moment of quiet panic – I’m glad it is, because there’s a reality to it that I like, and I need… that we all need, actually. I’ll try to write a little more about it, but for now I just wanted to get that down on “paper”.

So… a Valentine’s Day quote to finish off today, I think. How about this one…

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."

33 comments:

j said...

Happy V-day to you WDKY in spite of the silliness of it.

And now I am intrigued to read the rest of the story regarding NYC...

positronic said...

I'm curious about NYC too. But don't be too quick to dis VD. It can be a non-commercial day. Have a happy one.

mez said...

happy valentines day. I look forward to reading about your nyc adventures. :)

Carrie said...

Hapy Valentine's Day. *hugs*

And, remember, you will never be completely alone whilst you have your dear readers :)

wdky said...

J, I may well post more about this apsect of my life... I haven't quite decided yet. Happy VD to you too, if you'll pardon the expression.

Pos, I guess you're right. I had no roses this morning though.

Mez, you too. I see your blogging platform's down :-(

wdky said...

Thank you, Carrie! To you too.

Parveneh said...

Happy Valentine's Day! As Carrie said above, although not exactly the same as a warm body to wake up to, you've got dozens and dozens of people who think and care about you each day.

That's a real accomplishment in life, don't you think?

mez said...

yeah, I hate it when things like this happen. I'm at melbournestories.blogspot.com for the moment.

wdky said...

Thank you, Parv... that's a nice thought.

Mez, I've rolled you. So to speak.

elJacek said...

oooh... now im intrigued.... and happy VD WDKY, but not the trasmitted kind ;)

networkchic said...

You are such a beautiful man and no matter if it seemed that you were waking up alone, you had more company than you knew of. Sometimes we leave things behind that we fear we cannot deal with but at some point, those things come back to us and we either reach out and hold them close for what they are, or we continue to run away. It sounds like you've decided to keep your feet planted, as hard as that may seem, it proves how strong you are.

J's Girlfriend said...

Always full of surprises... You sound for whatever reason like a very restless soul. I'm sure sometime soon you'll be explaining why that is.

wdky said...

EJ - thanks, and you too. I wasn't trying to be deliberately enigmatic, incidentally.

NWC, that's almost too lovely a thing to say for me to accept it graciously, but I'm going to try. Yes, you're right, as you invariably are.

J'sG... that's interesting. I have moments of restlessness, of courser, but I feel myself to be quite a peaceful soul, actually. I like to be aware of what;s going on in my head, though

MG said...

All holidays cause me to reflect and think...

I like when you share yourself ;)

sirreene said...

wdky ~ you know that you are truly loved, so you know that you are never alone no matter what day of the year it is.

Miss gL said...

i am free of the shackles of saint valentines day. for the first year actually.it absolutely doesn't bother me.

however, my jaw dropped at the other part of you post. to write at a deeper level of disclosure, you must be going through a changing time. best wishes, you know your blog public.

Lee Ann said...

Happy Valentine's Day!

anu said...

wdky, i know the feeling, to wake up alone on a love-filled day when one wants to snuggle and cuddle with someone lovely and warm.

I was determined not to ruin my day (i can do that so easily now lol) so i greeted every one i met with warmth and love. And i got back so much love in return that it has filled my heart.

The call i wanted to receive did not come,
the voice i wanted to hear, i could not hear,
but it still has been a great valentine's day for me,
It has been my best valentine's day till date,
no yearnings i had, no cravings for more,
no feelings emanating out of being treated like someone special,

Today, for once, i made myself feel special,
for once, my happiness came from what i was doing moment to moment,
rather than from someone who was wooing me.

For once, i wooed myself,,,today...

Happy Valentine's day to you too wdky :))

annalis said...

Happy Valentine's Day, wkdy. Interesting post as usual.

Caterpillar said...

Oh my, that WAS a relevation! You are such an intriguing man.

I'm also trying to keep positive about the whole Valentine's thing and not think about what I don't have. You have a lot of love being sent to you from all over the world, though!!!

k o w said...

I don't think it's gay in any way so Happy Tuesday to you sir.

Now onto NY and the revelation that you have relatives over here on this side of the pond. I know you've said you were familiar with this area but I never expected something like this. WOW.

blueprincesa said...

mwa.

wdky said...

MG, that was a nice thing to say. And I know what you mean.

Sirreene - I hope so. You're right, it's a nice thought.

MissgL - how's that jaw of yours?

Lee Ann, to you too!

Anu - you're a revelation of a different sort!

Anna, Happy V Day to you to. I do my best :-)

Cat... I am? Thanks for the positive vibe.

KOW - remember that scene in Trains Planes and Automobiles? Happy Tuesday x

Blue... mmmmm!

kimmyk said...

Hmm...more to the mystery of WDKY this whole NY thing. Sounds pretty personal...when you share I'll be here to listen....hope you have a good evening WDKY....Sometimes Hallmark holidays aren't really what they're cracked up to be.

***** said...

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in they marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserved virginity,

And your quaint honor turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

~Marvell

Life is too short not to enjoy all of the gifts it offers you. Open hands, open arms. Embrace them while you can. There is nothing to fear.

Thinking of you tonight.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Angel said...

That is fuckin' spooky: After changing the video on my blog, I go check my favorite blogs (yours is included in that small list). Once on your blog, I hear (while Damien video is playing on my blog), "... blahblahblah, here's Damien Rice...".

spoooooooooooky!! We really do have the same tastes when it comes to cars and music!

(ok, here I go, actually read your whole post!)

darkneuro said...

Little voices are heard everywhere, WDKY... Best to hum loudly and make them go away.... 'Least, it works for me....

hamrose said...

Hm-mm-mm??!! You do become more and more intriguing, there WDKY...
I know what you mean about being "single" on VD day...It's not very much fun, is it? I felt that way too, today. But tried not to think about it too much. Well, if you DO decide to move to NYC...you'll have to look me up....upstate NY isn't that far away from NYC. A one hour flight, I do believe.... ;-)

Sher said...

WTF?? What a way to leave me hanging! What a revelation. How do I beat that one?

Let's see ... I used to be a man.

Ahh, fuck that, I love my hoochie too much to have been a man.

I can't top it..damn it!

Valentine XOXO's

wdky said...

Kimmy, you're right. Sod Hallmark, eh?

T... to you too x

Angel, I have to admit the spookiness of it all. AND we both have blue eyes :-)

Dark - good plan!!!

Hammy - if I ever come to NY again, you're one person I'll definitely look up. Moving there's not quite the plan, although visits are always on the cards.

Sher, I'm sure I'd love your hoochie too ;-) (And kisses back)

nukie310 said...

The whole reason why I like your site so much stems from your thoughtful moods and the way that you share them with us.

wdky said...

Thank you, Nukie. That was nice of you.

NML said...

OK, moral of the story this week is that guys doe think about Valentine's day and suffer much of the same insecurity. Comforting! Now go dry your eyes ;-)