It’s funny that, even when we think we’ve pretty much learnt it all, there are still some lessons out there. For me, it wasn’t so much of a lesson this time, perhaps, as confirmation of what I already knew. Which is this… if I don’t feel a sexual attraction towards someone from the off, it doesn’t matter how much I like them, because it isn’t going to happen. On Saturday I went out on a second date with someone who – as a person – I really have a connection with. But the truth is, I just couldn’t imagine anything physical ever happening. I saw her again because I wanted to get past that obstacle. It seems… shallow. But in retrospect I’ve decided it isn’t shallow at all. It’s just the way it is.
I was thinking about this today and I think there may be a valid gender distinction to make here (and I really hate gender distinctions normally). By which I mean, women seem - to me, at least - to be more able, and more willing, to work on the sexual issues in those same circumstances. To give it some time, and to see what might develop. Maybe I’m wrong about that, though.... it has been known.
The week has been okay, all in all. I’ve been busy, and it looks like there might well be some work (yes, activity for which I’ll be paid!) looming. For some reason I seem to be in an excellent mood at the moment – no particular reason that I can think of, I just am. And I have a rather nice plan for next Saturday evening, involving my guest from the night of the burglary, which I’m looking forward to. She’s desperately trying to find my blog, but hasn’t discovered Google Blog Search as yet, and I think I might just keep that one to myself for now!
Speaking of which, I seem to have been AWOL since HNT, so I'm going to spend a while now catching up with what’s been going on. I guess it may be a late night.
28 comments:
I'm not sure it is a gender distinction. I know for me, if I'm not physically attracted right from the get-go, there is no go.
Nope, sexual attraction never "grows on me". I am either attracted to a man right away or not at all. However, it doesn't ruin a first or even a second date if I otherwise like the guy and enjoy his company. I don't let it go past that though, without the "You're a great guy, but I'm just not feeling it" conversation. The occasional guy will want to continue seeing one another as "just friends," and that can be fun as well, but there's never any sex involved.
Congrats on the paid work and best wishes for your upcoming "fun."
KD, we're very similar, you and me, in a lot of ways. I'm not going to try that again.
YS... hi! Again, me too - I know immediately I set eyes on someone, even if she's not classically "beautiful". And thanks!
The heart wants what the heart wants.
It will not settle for less.
In this world there are so many things that we must settle for. It seems like this is the one thing important enough to really take the time to contemplate. To truly know your heart and your desire. You are on an adventure now I think. A voyage of self- discovery. In everyone you meet you discover something new about yourself also. Perhaps the voyage is not nearly close to an end yet? Perhaps you are just not ready to settle?
"All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
And I intend to end up there."
The Tavern ~Jalaluddin Rumi
I dont know, i tried it, but i am confused of the whole thing.
And i am a virgin.
But,for me, the connection still lives, irrespective of the sexual activity.
I don't know about the attraction thing, WDKY... I think if it's there it's there and if it's not it's not, whether you're a man or a woman. But maybe women are more able to be physically attracted to men for reasons other than their physical appearance? I don't know.
Glad to see your bouncing back.
P.S.(stick with that sexual instinct...chemistry matters..it's "the glue" that holds you together when you go through those days where you don't like each other very much)
you know, I find it's usually the other way around. I may be attracted physically to someone initially - but then something about their personality will totally negate ANY physical attraction I have for them.
Likewise, (and this doesn't happen as often) something about their personality or a quirk they have totally grips me and suddenly someone who was not a possibility will seem really attractive.
I'm obviously weird.
Yeah, you can't muster up that sexual attraction out of nowhere although I do think that it can grow. Often the people who I'm attracted to from the off, turn out to be wrong-uns anyway, so I do wonder what would happen if I started out not fancying someone and let it grow. Good news re the work :-)
If there's no physical attraction, chemistry or whatever...how does it even go any further? I don't think you're shallow...you just know what has to be there in order for you to stay interested.
I've got to be sexually/physically attracted to a man in order to think of him as a potential boyfriend. And that attraction can be felt whitin the first 30 seconds of the meeting. If it doesn't happen then, the jeans stay on and so are the panties!
Physical attraction is important at first but lets face it I want to be able to have a decent conversation at breakfast time too.
Off topic: I listened to the BBC broadcast of the Super Bowl here in the states and loved the way the announcer was ripping the game and the way the US handled the World Cup when we had it here. Wonderful stuff.
I need to feel the sexual/physical attraction right from the start. That kind of feeling will be felt whitin the first 30 seconds of the meeting. If not, the jeans stay on (and so do the panties)!
I need to feel the sexual/physical attraction right from the start. That kind of feeling will be felt whitin the first 30 seconds of the meeting. If not, the jeans stay on (and so do the panties)!
I don't think it's a gender distinction, it's not even to do with different people, it's simply to do with your attitude. There are different kinds of sexual attraction; the kind you have when you first meet someone and click with them, and the kind you have with someone you've come to know over a long period of time. The first is usually followed by the second, but sometimes you can wake up and realise you want to see someone naked even after years of thinking you didn't. Or am I just getting old (a grave concern of mine right now)?
T, thank you... any excuse for some Rumi is good with me. I think, sometimes, that my voyage has just started.
Any, it can be a confusing business. I agree about the connection remaining, though... I was just speculating on what you "do" with it, or where you take it.
Blue, that makes two of us who don't know. Or think they might know. Or...
Hammy, that was quite funny, actually!
Mez, you're not weird. What is weird, though, is that your site disappeared and now it's back. I doubt it's a gender issue, mind you.
NML - I know just what you mean. But then one person's wrong 'un could just be another person's right 'un. Or something.
UB, thanks. I may be relatively normal then ;-)
Angel, I understand completely about the panties. All three times you told me :-)
KOW, you talk over breakfast??? (Yes, don't you just love the BBC?)
J'sG... you're definitely getting older. Whether you're getting old depends on whether you're feeling old, I imagine. You seem rather young and vibrant to me, though (errr... I think I'll shut up now).
Well sure I have to say something to them before I sneak out.
glad you had a good weekend wdky. i have a question on your use of phrase: when you mention chemistry, and then "working on sexual issues", do you mean the same thing? I have been at a place where there is chemistry, but the actual deed needed some work. And I understand your initial gender distinction argument, but from the comments it seems that both men and women, we all think if not at the get go, then its a no go (love that phrase). However, it could be that women are socialised to think beyond chemistry, e.g.give nice guys a chance syndrome, and men are not. I know I have had to unsocialise myself this way, and relearn to trust my instict and say buh-bye if the sparks don't fly (ok, sorry for the last bit).
I have to agree with you. If I don't feel a 'physical' connection with someone I find it very difficult to stay or pursue a relationship. I might be shallow but I do feel that we as a human race are creatures that rely on touch...if you don't like what you are touching or don't have the desire to touch it at all, where can you go from there?
Someone who keeps me laughing is the person that I find the most attractive. But that's just me, I enjoy laughter.
Paid activity looming? EXCELLENT!
Glad you are in a good mood and glad you are back!
I don't think you're being shallow at all, I think you have to have to find aspects of your parter attractive and want to have sex with them. I will say this though, with my experience, the men I had instant sexual chemistry turned out to be great sex but that is about as far as it went. That instant sexual chemisty is all about biology and pheromones. I just draw a distinction between attraction and sexual chemistry though, not sure if you do?
Having both....sexual utopia.
Fascinating theory.
I think anyone can be attractive if I'm pretty drunk.
Very interesting issue. I'm sometimes not sure - whether to trust my own initial instincts, or whether that would be shutting myself off from a potentially great thing. Or maybe I use lack of an initial attraction as an excuse. I don't know.
attraction is a strange thing. I've been atrracted to people off the get go, then boom all of a sudden not at all, I've havent been attracted to people then boom all of a sudden there I am, and then there's then there's the issue that im just never satisfied, and once i get something i want something better, im a spoiled little shit - and then all of a sudden I was then wasnt then was again attracted to someone, then I told myself I wasnt, then it overwhelmed me, and now I feel like im a 14 year old with his 1st love... retarded.
Who knows man, life is a strange thing.
Yay work!!!
Miss gL... interesting comment. I've posted on my views about "chemistry" in the past, but I do think there's a direct link to sexual attraction, yes. otherwise, I'd tend to just say that I "got on with" someone, wouldn't you?
NWC (I'm going to call you Chick from now on, I like it more) - I agree. Touch is very important :-)
Thanks Sirreene. And keep laughing.
Lee Ann, thank you! I like you to pop over regularly, as you know ;-)
LL, I've had both, but alas it didn't last. Unless you call three years lasting, I suppose...
Kimmy, can I get you a drink?
Cat, it's all instinctive, I think. Maybe that's why none of us are quite sure in some way or another.
EJ - great stuff! Yes. And no. And yes...
NYM, I'm still cross with you. Don't think you can get around me so easily.
WDKY, I think we have all been there before. We have a connection with someone but the physical chemistry is just not there. I have one of those...love his personality, and the chemistry is there but I just don't see me having sex with him. Does that make any sense? It's not being shallow, it's just the way it is like you said. You can't force something that is not there.
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