Wednesday, April 05, 2006

That night

Well, I guess I’ve been putting this off for a while, but I did say that I’d offer some kind of clarification of my earlier comments about CFG and I’m nothing if not a man who keeps my word. So, embarrassing though it all is, let’s take a step back in time...

To Saturday night, in fact. CFG had gone to a work party (she’s a teacher in a French School in London) and she texted me at around 9 o’clock to say she was in a pub around the corner from me, having a drink with a friend. We’d kind of arranged that she was going to come over to me later in the evening, so she suggested that I join them for a drink. The pub was a pretty grotty one, but her friend was nice (another French woman) and they were showing Barcelona v Real Madrid on the big screen!! CFG was quiet, but then she’s always quiet, so that didn’t ring any alarm bells. She and I stayed for a while after her friend left, and then we headed back to my house.

She was clearly unhappy about something, but I should say that communication between us is sometimes a little strange, although not strained. Her English isn’t actually that wonderful, and coupled with that she seems to like to send thought messages through intense looks and long stares. There were more stares than normal, though, and it was beginning to make me feel very slightly edgy. Regardless of that, at some point we ended up going to bed, after which began a long and rather amusing process whereby CFG removed one article of clothing at a time before hurling it across the room, almost in disgust, and then waiting a while to determine the next item that was going to receive similar treatment. I must admit, I was beginning to think I was in some kind of surrealist movie.

I won’t talk about the sex itself, save to say that she was clearly not comfortable. I was aware of it, and trying to do whatever I could to make it "easier" whilst also thinking that we were going to have to stop and just take a step back...but I was still completely unprepared for what was almost like an attack of Teretts - she would suddenly but repeatedly start to shake involuntarily, and very quickly I realised something was actually quite wrong. I know shaking with passion when I see it, and trust me when I say that this wasn’t it. Of course, whatever else was going on at the time stopped and I tried my best to just comfort her in some way, and before long we both drifted off to sleep.

I was vaguely aware that, throughout the night, she was in and out of bed, up and down the stairs... in fact, I found out in the morning that she spent pretty much the entire night sitting on the sofa downstairs, staring into space. And this was how I found her when I got up in the morning, and how she remained for the best part of two hours until I took her back to her friends house. When I tried to talk to her she just looked at me and responded by saying “I can’t... I’m closed” which I have to admit was kind of unhelpful. And she got out the car saying “see you soon... maybe?”

Since then, I’ve received a fairly meaningless text and an email, to which I haven’t yet replied...
Hmmmm... For me, it's like being pulled in one way and after another... my balloon is in a storm! Same thing with the decision I need to make... I decide for one... change my mind and go on the completely other direction....both seems right... HELP! I will be working very late also... We have a French inspector at school... and I'm late with my work... after, I need to try to make my "future" clearer... I will try meditation, but I'm not sure about it. LOL. Anyway... have a safe trip to you soon...??????
Aside from asking myself why every woman I get involved with writes their emails this way (what happened to sentences?) I’m also asking myself if I want to get into a situation which I just know is going to be emotionally draining, only to find that it has a finite life (of not very long) anyway, and that after all the angst that will inevitably come my way she’s going to just take herself off to France. I’d have to be mad, wouldn’t I? And that’s where we are now… I’m just thinking about how I respond, and wishing that none of this had ever started.

There… now you know! And I must admit, I'm thinking that there must be something about me that continuously attracts unstable women. God, for some normality in my life!

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