Friday, September 22, 2006

Tears of a clown

I had the strangest experience last night, and it took me so unawares that I’m not entirely sure that I’ve got over it just yet. But it told me that when it comes to feelings it’s best to expect the unexpected.

I’d had a busy day, finishing off a piece of work that was already slightly late, getting some washing done for Sunday and touching up some of the paintwork in the hall. When the phone rang at about 8 o’clock I nearly let it go to answerphone, but I saw that it was PTFE and decided that I wanted to speak to her. So I took the call.

She was fine... we’ve been in sporadic contact since we split up anyway, and I knew she’d been busy working but was generally okay. Then she told me that she was seeing someone, that it was quite serious, and that he knew me. I could feel my stomach churn slightly as I asked who it was, and it turned out to be the guy that had tried to repair my laptop a while back when I had some problems that were the consequence of downloading a dodgy Windows Update. The funny thing is, he charged me £40 and couldn’t trace the problem – I ended up fixing it myself!

PTFE asked if he could pick up her make-up bag (remember the make-up bag?) and he duly arrived about an hour later. We chatted for a few minutes and then off he went, with his tight black t-shirt, new haircut and a twinkle in his eye. And you know what? I felt sick. I was no better hours later when I went to bed, and slept eventually having poured myself a large Scotch and popped a Melatonin or two.

So... what was that all about? I was adamant that I wanted to finish with her when she pleaded with me not to, and the only thing I can say in my own defence is that it wasn’t because I didn’t have feelings for her... they were just not quite as intense as the feelings she had for me. Yet now... well, I know what I’d say if it were someone else having this conversation with me. And although I might couch my advice in diplomatic terms, the message would be “live with it”.

Emotions – feelings – can be unpredictable sometimes, can’t they? But then I'm sure that a little pain is good for the soul... that’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

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