Some days

"Destiny has two ways of crushing us -- by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them."

Some days just don’t go as planned, and yesterday, in truth, was one of them. It was a day when it felt like all my recent hopes were taken by the hard and calloused hand of fate and squeezed until the life drained out of them. As I sat in the half-dark of the early hours of the morning, cigarette glowing in the ashtray and a cold breeze hitting my face from the open window, I realised, yet again, that our sphere of influence is small indeed. That aside from taking responsibility for our own actions, we can do little but watch as the world spins crazily around us like a roulette wheel.

Anyway, I was saying that yesterday didn’t go as planned. I spoke to A in the morning, and we were just talking about some of the things he had to get done to deal with the practicalities of living in England. Getting a national insurance number, registering with a doctor and dentist, getting a SIM card for the mobile phone I gave him, that kind of stuff. ("SIM card? What's a SIM card?")

A: Actually, Dad, I booked a flight this morning.

Me: A flight? A flight where?

A: Back to New York. I go on 7th April.

Me: Oh… okay. Well, I said I’d support you whatever decision you made… I guess I wasn’t expecting such a… quick decision, though.

A: I know, Dad. But S and I have been emailing again. I think I love her.

Me: Ah, yes… love.

So I was pondering on the meaning of love and, I guess, allowing myself to dwell on the last couple of years, what the future might hold for me, and life in general. Nothing new, really… I’m a thinker, and when you’re a thinker you learn very quickly to just take the rough with the smooth. As I dragged on my cigarette I saw the little pop-up window on the corner of my laptop screen, telling me that I wasn’t the only one awake at that ridiculous hour. It was an email from CFG.

Tonight, I had my second "bang on the head" of the recent couple of weeks ....one gave me my dreams...the second one got me back into reality. I have 95% chances to be obliged to go back to France soon... It's unexpected....and I do not like this idea at all. Everything is going too fast now... Sometimes, you want things to move and nothing happens...and suddenly, everything starts moving....and you are not ready...or it's just too much at the same time. I will stop and have a look into my stars.... Have a safe trip to Oxford......make Thursday come faster, faster, faster...I'm sure you can do it. It seems that you beat me with children, but I beat you with the lifes.

And then, minutes later,

It's late....I think you are in bed by now. Sorry, I shouldn’t have "unburden" my day to you, especially by mail, especially today. I feel stupid and I'm angry after myself. We will talk… do not worry…or try...

I poured myself a very large Scotch, had another cigarette, and took myself wearily off to bed.