Saturday, June 03, 2006

I think I need a drink

I took my car in to the garage yesterday to have someone check out the brakes, which had been making some grinding noises lately and were beginning to worry me a bit. A few hours later, my bank account was lighter to the tune of £1000, courtesy of four new tyres and a complete set of discs and pads... not the way I wanted to finish the week, but I have to tell you that it’s been the strangest of weeks anyway. Sit down and make yourself comfortable...

In this life of mine, fate has a funny way of slapping me round the face and saying “Pay attention, damn it”... and it reminds me to be aware of just what it is that I may be thinking, or feeling, because usually it proves to be wise not to ignore these things. So in a way I wasn’t surprised when I received an email from Red completely unexpectedly. She always said that we should remain friends (in fact, she’s the only woman I've been out with during the course of my newishly acquired singledom who’s met my children - but then we did go out for about 9 months). Apparently, she’s just - finally - filed her divorce petition after god knows how many years, and the thought of crying on my shoulder is something of a temptation for her. I’ll have to make sure that I don’t wear one of my new t-shirts, but I’ve agreed to have a drink and a bite next week. I’m not saying I’m thinking anything untoward, but her comment along the lines of “If we don’t kiss I think we’ll be okay” made me smile.

More serious - at least according to the speed and strength of my beating heart - is the fact that someone entered my life unexpectedly last week and seems to have made much more of an impact than I could possibly have anticipated. I’ll call her Dina for reasons that I won’t go into, and I can only say to you that my knees go weak when I think of her. I didn’t plan it, I should add, and in many ways didn’t want it to happen, but happen it did. And now, rightly, it’s got me thinking, although at this stage I'm not sure whether I'll have cause to write about her again. I will say that she's tiny, and dark, and incredibly beautiful. I just thought that I'd share that with you, because it's just possible that Dina could be... well, let's just not get ahead of ourselves here. Hmmmm.

I’ve always said that PTFE was never going to be more than “Miss Right Now” but it seems to me that the problem (if there is one) realtes to an imbalance in terms of how we feel about each other. It worries me, as I’ve said more than once in the course of writing these posts, and for that reason I’m going to take a few days to process what’s going on in my life at the moment. And I’m going to do one of two things... I’m either going to push everything else to one side, and forget about it. Focus on PTFE, fully, and give things as much of a chance as I can give them. Or I’m going to have to accept that my heart isn’t in it, and bring things to an end before she becomes too entangled emotionally. I’m certainly not going to be unfaithful to her, but I also think that I’m entitled - no, I have a responsibility - to do what’s right for me.

I guess the next few days will tell. And whilst I have no idea what the immediate future will bring I do know that potentially important things are happening around me, and I’m not going to ignore that. And in the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy the weekend. I hope you do too. And, right now, I'm off to cook some pancakes for the real loves of my life!

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