"Did I dream you?"
I thought about it for a while, but really there was no answer that I could give, because anything I said in response would devalue the meaning of what she’d written. But is served to fuel the contemplative mood I was already in, and I took my coffee, with a cigarette, into the garden. The air was freezing, and a sheet of frost covered the grass and the patio. The sun, which had risen brightly, glinted off the top of the children’s trampoline, and steam rose as the surface slowly heated enough to thaw the frost that had settled there too. It was one of those mornings when everything seemed to fall into place.
I thought about GG for a while… so in tune with the way I think, and such an amazing, such a real, intelligence. I was aware that - perhaps in other circumstances - she would be an important person in my life, but at the same time I knew I wasn’t going to call her. Sometimes, it’s like that game that kids play, where only the first answer counts. The instinctive one, before you’ve had time to think about what you’re going to say. And her first answer was the right one for her, whatever she might think now. Timing.
I’ve decided to use the rest of this year, leading up to Christmas, to have a kind of mental clear-out. I want to hit the New Year focused and happy – with myself, my life and everything around me & it. I think that means being single for a while, but I’m not in any fear of that… it’s just that sometimes being on my own doesn’t seem quite enough.
Hopefully you’re all enjoying your Saturdays, whatever you may be up to. I’m going to busy myself with re-arranging one or two things in my office at home, and then just start the “clearing-out” process. There’s no time like the present.