Saturday, November 19, 2005

Did I dream you?

The house was quiet when I woke up this morning… no sound from either of the children’s rooms as I went downstairs, and just the gently soothing noise of the boiler firing up to heat the radiators. Outside, it was bright and the ground was covered with frost… it was the perfect Saturday morning. I boiled the kettle and made myself a strong coffee. As I was waiting for it to boil, I noticed my mobile, charger still plugged into the socket on the wall, and picked it up – one new message, from GG.
"Did I dream you?"

I thought about it for a while, but really there was no answer that I could give, because anything I said in response would devalue the meaning of what she’d written. But is served to fuel the contemplative mood I was already in, and I took my coffee, with a cigarette, into the garden. The air was freezing, and a sheet of frost covered the grass and the patio. The sun, which had risen brightly, glinted off the top of the children’s trampoline, and steam rose as the surface slowly heated enough to thaw the frost that had settled there too. It was one of those mornings when everything seemed to fall into place.

I thought about GG for a while… so in tune with the way I think, and such an amazing, such a real, intelligence. I was aware that - perhaps in other circumstances - she would be an important person in my life, but at the same time I knew I wasn’t going to call her. Sometimes, it’s like that game that kids play, where only the first answer counts. The instinctive one, before you’ve had time to think about what you’re going to say. And her first answer was the right one for her, whatever she might think now. Timing.

I’ve decided to use the rest of this year, leading up to Christmas, to have a kind of mental clear-out. I want to hit the New Year focused and happy – with myself, my life and everything around me & it. I think that means being single for a while, but I’m not in any fear of that… it’s just that sometimes being on my own doesn’t seem quite enough.

Hopefully you’re all enjoying your Saturdays, whatever you may be up to. I’m going to busy myself with re-arranging one or two things in my office at home, and then just start the “clearing-out” process. There’s no time like the present.

30 comments:

sirreene said...

sounds perfect!

ladylongfellow said...

Woke up to frost here too and of course strong coffee. I've kind of decided to do what you are doing....sit back and think and reflect. I don't know though about the text from GG...I think I would have had to respond, if I didn't intend to see her again with a YES. I like closure, myself.

K.D. Morgan said...

Surprisingly, your yard looks a lot like mine. If you're still restless after re-arranging your homw office, mine could sure use some help.

K.D. Morgan said...

omg...meant to type "home"

(I so hate making typos)

Blondie said...

I think this is a very wise decision and that you know whats best for you too. Clearing out one's life and mind is important on all levels. I know thats why I jog as much as I can. Its when I clear my mind of all the things bothering me. I actually blogged about that today. I think rearranging and changing things up a bit will help alot.

The weekend here is quiet and my house is clean *gasp*...hehe I can't even type too loud for fear of jinxing it! ;-)
xx

Blueprincesa said...

You are very wise about the "first answer" thing, I think.

E-E said...

Sigh.
In her heart, and in your heart, the right decisions have been made by both you and GG. She is missing you of course, but she knows the timing is not right.
Honestly, w, I often wish I had the courage to stand up for my needs and make such a decision in the 'right direction' for myself as well. Despite the aches and pains, I have let too many a relationship go on for far too long knowing deep inside it just wasn't right.
I hope to do the same as you, for the rest of the year, and reemerge next year a stronger person more focussed on myself and what is best for me.
Cheers, sweetie. Sweet dreams.
For you, and GG.
I hope the right path find you both.

positronic said...

When I read yor blog, I find there are certain aspects of your life that I aspire to. Two lovely kids, a good house, a good backyard, a life slowly but surely falling onto it's track, etc... It was a wise decision not to respond to GGs text. I think you need to concentrate on the things I mentioned above, which you're doing, and she needs to concentrate on her own life.

WDKY said...

Sirreene, I think so. I guess I hope so...

LL - I love winter mornings. Closure? Well, not every door needs to be bolted as well as shut... hmmmm.

KD, tell me when you want me.

Ruthie, I was reading your post as you commented. I commented too.

Blue... wise sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

EE - You really are adorable. Thank you.

Pos, you made me feel a lot better,actually. And you're quite right, of course.

nukie310 said...

Actually WDKY,
I hate questions like that. I'd be tempted to just text back "yes"

WDKY said...

Maybe Nukie... I'm recording in a minute or two, btw!

Surviving Online Dating said...

I love a good frosty morning and coffee. I woke up to the first snowfall for the season. It is beautiful. I love winter.

Anyhow, sometimes I think of life like a ship on it's way to some destination. Occasionally, the ship runs into rough sea, but the captain knows his ship is strong and keeps going....'Stead as she goes'. Keep strong and focused.

WDKY said...

Thanks, C... I'm trying!

fjl said...

No!!
Completely disagree with all and sundry. Happiness comes along rarely. Grab it, and don't let it get away. Sit about gazing at frost, inventing pointless philosphies and ( a tiny bit pretentious? ) reasons for delay, and she'll have quickly gone. She didn't text you for her amusement ( not this time.) get back to her, or see her on a train next year wrapped up in someone else as if you never happenned. She wasn't being intelligent, dreamer.It's just three words.

fjl said...

Four words. Sorry. Four. 'Did I dream you?' She want's you to get back to her, that text is a little ultimatum, non agressive, she's testing. What a pretentious daydreaming berk you are ;-) . Get on the phone.

WDKY said...

FJL… firstly, it’s a fine line between “pretentious daydreaming berk” and “romantic”, so I can forgive you for making that mistake. Secondly, what makes you think I haven’t already had that rational, intelligent thought process? (Oh yes, I realise now… I’m a man.) Thirdly… in view of our comment history, why I like you is beyond me. I’ll have to think about that too, now!

Networkchic said...

You are right, it's the first answer that counts. The problem is that so many times we say things without thinking them through and our impulse reaction really isn't the right answer at all. But, for the person hearing the answer, only the first one can mean anything because it's the answer we'll always remember.

WDKY said...

Errr... yes. I think. But thanks :-)

NML said...

I'm snickering at some of the comments especially FJL's! Hilarious!
I can see where you are as the response to a text like that is key and you don't want to balls it up or cheapen things. However, knowing what women are like, she sent you the text to elicit a response. She's doubting her own decision, her own instinct and sending you that text may have been her way of trying to breathe life back into things. You're having an Extreme Makeover to your head so lipo the f out of it xxx

WDKY said...

I know, and I can't even retaliate by winding her up on her own blog - bloody typical!

"You're having an Extreme Makeover to your head so lipo the f out of it"... classic... at last, a sensible response :-)

kimmyk said...

man that's a toughie to text....
i'm sure she's missing you and doing some reflecting on her own.

it's best to not reply-it would only open the door that she chose to close.

good luck cleaning out your closets so ta speak.

NewYorkMoments said...

Single time is really healthy!! It's good for the soul. It's like a colonic for the heart.

Sky said...

WDKY, it seems like many of us are doing the mental clear-out. All of us will start out the new year happy and focused :).

I want to come jump on your trampoline!!!

k o w said...

I do a mental flush at least 3 times a year. One piece of advice, don't drink while doing it.

WDKY said...

Kimmy, udate on the way...

I'm looking forward to being single for a while actuall, NM, so I know what you mean.

Sky, we are indeed! I'll bounce if you will.

Good advice as always, KOW.

TJ said...

It seems that there is alot of individual contemplation going on among us in the blogosphere, and I hope that your mental "cleaning-out process" provides you with insight and personal contentment.

And consider yourself fortunate in this regard--you have a trampoline in your backyard. Maybe a few flips and double somersaults would do just the trick to put you in the proper frame of mind.

WDKY said...

It's too bloody cold, or I'd be out there!

Annalis said...

Good time of year to do a mental clear out. Start 2006 with a bang!

Sher said...

I wouldn't call either...
at least not at the moment.

FYI I changed my link-


http://tiom.blogspot.com/

WDKY said...

I aim to, Anna!

Sher, thanks for the new link. I'm putting off doing the same with mine, but it's going to happen soon.