Sometimes, I wish I was the type of person who could just push other people’s feelings to one side and get on with life like some kind of automaton. So many things would be more… simple, but I’ve never been like that and I never will be. So, some time over the course of yesterday, I realised that I was going to have to speak to GG. The messages she was leaving were upsetting, and I hated to just turn my back on her. I can’t bear it when other people are hurting, and so (not without a degree of trepidation) I made a coffee, lit a cigarette and called her.
There’s not a great deal of point in relaying our conversation verbatim, but she tried desperately to convince me that she, more than I, knew what was best for me. That, if I only realised it, I needed her in my life… that there was an “inevitability” to it. It was like an emotional outpouring, but there was no catharsis. She just wants us to be together, and she can’t really understand why I don’t want that too.
FJL’s comment on my last post was ironic, because I had in fact already done exactly what she suggested. I told GG, gently but firmly, that I was not going to see her in a romantic sense again, but if she really felt it necessary I would meet up with her to talk. It’s not what I want to do, but if it makes it easier to bring this whole episode to a close that GG can in some way accept, it’s what I’ll do. So, we’ll meet some time this week or next, there’ll be tears, and I’ll feel like shit.
Despite what I said earlier, I don’t really want to be “different” in any way to the person that I am. I don’t often choose the easy path, in any area of my life, but I can sleep at night because I like the “me” I’ve become. Not many people really understand what goes on in my head, but I don’t mind that either, because when I stumble across someone who does it just makes it a bit more special. GG never quite got there, but she came closer than most, and for a while it was a rather intense experience.
And, for the record (because this is a record of sorts) I suppose I should admit that I’ve understood this process that we’ve been through from the start. That GG wasn’t really saying that we were finished in that call she made when she returned from Spain; that what she wanted was a response from me that would make it “better” in some way, that would mean I gave a little more of myself to her. But sometimes we just have to face things head on, and admit to ourselves that there’s something else that we want. And usually, if we follow our intuition, it won’t turn out to be a mistake, even with the benefit of hindsight.