Monday, November 28, 2005

The right thing

Sometimes, I wish I was the type of person who could just push other people’s feelings to one side and get on with life like some kind of automaton. So many things would be more… simple, but I’ve never been like that and I never will be. So, some time over the course of yesterday, I realised that I was going to have to speak to GG. The messages she was leaving were upsetting, and I hated to just turn my back on her. I can’t bear it when other people are hurting, and so (not without a degree of trepidation) I made a coffee, lit a cigarette and called her.

There’s not a great deal of point in relaying our conversation verbatim, but she tried desperately to convince me that she, more than I, knew what was best for me. That, if I only realised it, I needed her in my life… that there was an “inevitability” to it. It was like an emotional outpouring, but there was no catharsis. She just wants us to be together, and she can’t really understand why I don’t want that too.

FJL’s comment on my last post was ironic, because I had in fact already done exactly what she suggested. I told GG, gently but firmly, that I was not going to see her in a romantic sense again, but if she really felt it necessary I would meet up with her to talk. It’s not what I want to do, but if it makes it easier to bring this whole episode to a close that GG can in some way accept, it’s what I’ll do. So, we’ll meet some time this week or next, there’ll be tears, and I’ll feel like shit.

Despite what I said earlier, I don’t really want to be “different” in any way to the person that I am. I don’t often choose the easy path, in any area of my life, but I can sleep at night because I like the “me” I’ve become. Not many people really understand what goes on in my head, but I don’t mind that either, because when I stumble across someone who does it just makes it a bit more special. GG never quite got there, but she came closer than most, and for a while it was a rather intense experience.

And, for the record (because this is a record of sorts) I suppose I should admit that I’ve understood this process that we’ve been through from the start. That GG wasn’t really saying that we were finished in that call she made when she returned from Spain; that what she wanted was a response from me that would make it “better” in some way, that would mean I gave a little more of myself to her. But sometimes we just have to face things head on, and admit to ourselves that there’s something else that we want. And usually, if we follow our intuition, it won’t turn out to be a mistake, even with the benefit of hindsight.

23 comments:

Blondie said...

God, there is no easy way to comment to this. I see both points of view.

I see how GG would need that physical precense of you for closure. To look you in the eyes and see the words cross your lips.

But I can see how you're going to feel like total crap...and how you need to move on.

((hugs))

I'm sorry you're having to go thru this...but you know T, your blog's title says it all. What doesn't kill you...

xx
R

ladylongfellow said...

Yes, it will be tough. Yes, you'll probably feel like crap. Yes, she needs it. But at least you are facing it and not running away from "it."

As someone who kind of walked in GG's shoes -well minus bombarding the person with emails, texts, messages. Sometimes you just need to know the reason why, then get your closure. I say kudos to you for facing her and talking to her. It's the adult and the right thing to do.

As long as THAT is what she is looking for (closure) and not trying to convince you for round #2. I wish you luck.

Sher said...

I bet that it is not a face to face that she wants for closure, but rather a chance of convincing you that you are walking away from a good thing.

In my single days this length of relationship would not warrant a "sit down" when it came to...well... basically breaking up.

When it's over, it's over. The door gets shut. You have already been nice and gentle and handled yourself decently while she started this ball rolling.

I'll be surprised if you tell us (after your meeting)that she took what you said with dignity and understood completely, a last time hug, take care, arrivederci.

I'm not buying the closure thing one bit (pessimist, I know).

Good luck darling.

k o w said...

It'll put hair on your chest mate.

Blueprincesa said...

you are doing the kindest thing possible by being so straightforward with her. And it's very brave of you to be willing to talk to her in person about it. I think it'll help her. And she needs to learn too that when she needs something from someone, like more emotional connectedness, she needs to ask for it instead of just trying to manipulate it out of the person she's with. Sometimes women don't even realize they're doing that. Good luck.

kimmyk said...

In my opinion-closure will not come from a face to face meeting. Putting myself in GG's shoes-and knowing what she's been emailing, texting, sending to you she is going to try to convince you to give her one more try....
"to just see"

Maintaining a friendship I think would be out of the question too-jealousy will come into play-it'll turn ugly. It always does.
Feelings are going to be hurt (on both sides) and it will be a constant coversation replaying over and over in both of your heads....she'll make more phone calls and send more emails and texts once your words have sunk in.

I wish you luck with this one WDKY....

Anonymous said...

As blunt as this is, IF for whatever reason, you end up having sex with her "one last time, for closure" she will NEVER leave you alone.
As an outsider (who has read all your previous posts), one of the main things about GG that stands out is her desire for control. Yes, she might have called and said she wasn't going to see you anymore and gotten a response that she hadn't expected, but if that is the case, her call was sheer manipulation. And, in my opinion (such as it is) this face to face meeting is just another attempt.
Do be careful, WDKY.

Zoozan said...

I understand why you're going to see her, and the reasons that you've given are what make you a person that I love. Now that you have agreed to it, you'll have to go. But I'm with the harsh brigade. Her motivation will be 'when he sees me, he simply won't be able to resist me'. We've all been there and done that shit, and we all know it doesn't work. Good luck with it, it's going to be hard.

Zoozan said...

and amazing how appropriate that picture you're using (of the man and the woman) has become

WDKY said...

Thanks Ruthie... and it's true, I'm alive and kicking.

LL, I do think I have to take some responsibility for soprting this out. As for convincing me of anything, that won't happen.

Sher, I'm absolutely sure you're right. But I'm going with my eyes open, and I'm just going to have to ensure the message from me is unambiguous.

KOW, I already have hair. I don't want any more :-(

Blue, thanks, and I completely agree with you.

Kimmy... hmmmm. I think you've summed it up pretty well. But trust me, the calls will stop!

Anon, if you read this blog you're no more an outsider than I am. Thank you for commenting, and that's a pretty good summary of the whole business. (Next time, a name, maybe?)

Zooz - you're too kind. And what the hell, I can look after myself!

NewYorkMoments said...

OK, the way I see it is that you only made one mistake. You made a coffee before calling her. What you should have done is to make yourself a martini.

Maybe next time you'll take my advice & do things the right way. ;-)

NML said...

I thought it was brilliant what you wrote about not choosing the easy route but knowing that you are you. It's a shitty thing that you've got to deal with and it will hopefully draw the line. The problem with when we are gentle is that the receiver interprets this as their being an opening in your feelings. i really feel for you {{hug}}

Sky said...

I give you a lot of credit and have a lot of respect for you to be willing to have a sit down with her. Sometimes that's all us women need for closure...is someone that will tell us it's over. I have a lot of respect for men that are not cowards! You are a good man W..

WDKY said...

NYM, I bow humbly before you. (And I'm not the first, I imagine, to be down on their knees... I'm going to stop there, or I'll end up talking about poshing and rogering sticks.)

NML, I don't fancy it, to be honest. Don't suppose you could go on my behalf? I'll take the sorting afterwards :-)

Thanks, Sky, I appreciate that!

NewYorkMoments said...

Awww, come on WDKY! You know I can't stand when men bow humbly before me! Sheesh...This thing w/ GG really has got you in a tizzy.

You need a good night out. That's what I prescribe. Lots of drinking and meaningless sex, and a nasty hangover just to purge your senses...

WDKY said...

NYM, there's a world of difference between "kneeling" and "bowing", but in a general sense I take your point. I don't do sub particularly well, anyway, I'm far too assertive.

As for meaningless sex, I happen to be in the process of arranging a date soon. I'll keep you advised.

sirreene said...

It's the right thing. Just don't let her near you or your hair with scissors...

check said...

well... everyone's said everything, but just make sure she absolutely and completely gets your point about no further crazy communication.. and best of luck.. its going to be a little difficult, im sure you'll handle it well though..

fjl said...

Hi, didn't the point writing earlier, as you've had so much empathy and you know what to do. Just a little word; be incredibly clear that the relationship is over. Be kind but clear. For me, it's perfectly apparent that you never 'planned to dump her one day' like a cad, so you're innocent, and just as bruised as she is. Just spell it out that for a couple to be 'meant'/'destined', it has to be felt by both people, and you don't feel that. Be firm. Frankly, don't take any crap. She's not at the helm of your life. Perhaps you took your mind off the Port(the front) of the ship for a moment, and you felt like you were drifting, but that doesn't give her the right to hijack your future, whatever she thinks she can see from behind the wheel.
Hugs. xx

WDKY said...

Sirreene, very good point. It's back to Russell, I think.

Hi Check... I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm going to repeat that to myself.

FJL, you're very sweet. And I won't!

Networkchic said...

My father told me many times, the easy path most likely isn't the right path. I think the hardest lessons in life are those that hurt the most. I feel for GG, mainly because I've been where she is but I've also been in your shoes and I agree that you have to be true to yourself. We give what we can and if that's not enough or if it doesn't fit into someone else's pre-defined mold, we must come to the realization that they are not the right person for us. I admire you for taking the time to call her, to see her,even though it will cause you some uneasiness. You are a true gentleman.

WDKY said...

And you're truly lovely, NWC.

Mike said...

"Sometimes, I wish I was the type of person who could just push other people’s feelings to one side and get on with life like some kind of automaton."

You and me both my friend....

Great blog!