Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The worst of days

I’m not really a depressive kind of person, but if I were to be completely honest I’d have to say that today was a fucking lousy day. Not that it’s the first, nor will it be the last, I’ve no doubt. But that doesn’t really make it any easier.

GG was in Spain until Monday night (she’d been there for a week) and we’d been in contact through email and text while she was away. We spoke on Monday night, and as always were on the phone for some time, and everything appeared to be like it usually was… she did mention, as she’d done previously in an email, that she wanted to talk to me about something, but she said it could wait until the weekend when we saw each other. Anyway, I came off the phone realising that I’d really missed her, as I always have when she’s been away on one of her trips.

Last night, around 9.30 or so, I got a text – from GG – asking me if I was at home on my own. She said she needed to talk to me. I called her pretty much straight away, and asked her what was wrong, but I must admit what came next was a bit of a bombshell. She said she wasn’t going to see me again. I won’t bore you with the details, or rather I’ll keep that bit just a little more private than this blog allows, but it was even more of a surprise than it might have been considering that the day before she left she told me how frightened she was at the degree of attachment she felt. I’d almost thought she was going to say something else for a moment.

So, essentially it’s beginning to look as if this relationship has followed pretty much the same pattern as all the others since I’ve been single. It goes something like this, although the chronology can sometimes vary a little…

1. I meet someone, and we start to “see” each other.
2. Before long, she expresses, in some way or other, that she’s becoming very “attached” to me.
3. Around that time, I convince myself that there’s something not quite right about it.
4. I begin to back off, either emotionally or physically, or both.
5. I get a call, or maybe an email, telling me that I’m in some way “the most wonderful person” but “it isn’t working”.

Yeah, I must be really wonderful!

Anyone who’s read my blog will know that I’m pretty self aware, and it probably won’t come as a surprise if I tell you that I know this happens, and I know why it happens… or rather, there are a couple of reasons why I think I behave like I do. The first is that I’m not prepared to take chances with something that isn’t right, because I’m not going to risk bringing people (women) into the children’s lives and then stand by whilst they see those women disappear again. I suppose I’m more cautious than I might otherwise be, but it’s a price I’m prepared to pay. The second reason is that I’ve come to value the time I spend on my own, and it needs to be something very special, or someone very special, to break me out of that mould.

So, was GG special? Yes, she was… in a whole load of ways. In fact, sitting here reading through her emails, it’s fair to say that I haven’t really met anyone quite like her before. Was it perfect? No, not really… but is anything perfect? I don’t think it is, and when we pretend we’re looking for perfection what we’re really doing most of the time is looking for excuses. So GG’s sense that I was becoming slightly distant, somehow not allowing her to become close enough to me, rang true. I can’t really say that she’s wrong, but it wasn’t a conscious decision on my part either. Maybe it was just my response to all the things I’ve written about in the past, but more of a subconscious response than anything I was in any kind of control over.

Whatever the answer, today I’ve been feeling like shit. As I said, I’ve been reading over all of our emails (as if it doesn’t hurt enough), and now I feel like shit even more. And I think I’m just going to take a break from the dating game, concentrate on the new business and the children, and just accept that I might just go through life without meeting my soulmate, the woman of my dreams. I’m not sure that I like that scenario, but I also know that it’s realistic. Which brings me back to that eternal question… what is it that we want, and how much of that can we forgo without it meaning that we’ve settled for something that’s… well, less.

I wish I knew the answer to that question today. Maybe I will tomorrow.

Late night edit: Thank you, guys, for all your comments - which I particularly appreciate today. I've never been one to dwell on negatives for too long, but the truth is that I'm not in my usual frame of mind this evening and will be giving HNT a miss this week. I can't be arsed, if you'll excuse the pun. As for what happens next, I can be a bit too hard for my own good at times, and despite a couple of messages received this afteroon from GG I'm just going to put this one down to experience... c'est la vie. I think intuition is usually dependable, and her intuition seems to have given her a pretty strong steer, despite any misgivings she might have as reality hits home.

31 comments:

Caterpillar said...

WDKY, I'm so sorry!!! I'll be thinking of you today!!

And with regard to the eternal question, I seriously struggle with that every day. I love how you termed it the "eternal struggle" - it's an absolute perfect name for it.

I'm sending you all the hugs and good feelings possible!!!!

Blondie said...

WDKY...

((warm hugs))

I know I'm cagey about my child seeing people just come in and out of their lives. I'm distant to a lot of people but at the same time, I'm a loving person & easy to love. But it all scares me.

I'm sorry about the day being blown and I'm really aching in my heart for you babe. Something like this is never easy.

*as if I know anything right?*

((hugs again))
Ruthie

Blondie said...

*my child and "His life"... singular...*

sorry about that.

Annalis said...

I'm sorry WDKY. Taking a break may clear your head but don't give up hope. I know that may sound romantic but life is short and can be so difficult at times. We all deserve happiness.

unforgiving b*tch said...

I lack the proper thing to say...so I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.

NML said...

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I thought my day was bad but now I'm shutting the f up! Darling, I think that we are very good at knowing what we don't want but not so good at knowing what we do want. I think that without too much conscious squeezing and compromising, when the right one comes along you don't have to think about that. It just 'is'. I get scared because I don't want to compromise myself, like you and I throw myself into the other areas of my life but we also have to be ready to accept the possibility of there being someone that can be 'right' for us. Enough of my waffle. Big fat hugs and I swear I will email you x

Networkchic said...

"and when we pretend we’re looking for perfection what we’re really doing most of the time is looking for excuses." - You've just described the very thing I've done most of my life. Here's what I think: GG felt a real connection to you, maybe she wasn't expecting it but it happened. Maybe she was ready to let herself be attached to you but - you wouldn't let her. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, in fact I agree that you need to be careful about who you let in your life especially since you have children. The problem is that because most of us have been through a broken heart, it makes us cautious so when we feel ourselves 'falling' and we feel the other person pull away, instinctively we run the other direction. We all try to protect ourselves from the hurt we've felt before. She probably does think you are wonderful, and you are, but each of us needs to put self preservation first on the list. It's such an odd thing, love, committment, relationships. It's so rare that two people are actually in the same place, emotionally that is, at the same time. I think that's where that leap of faith thing comes in. The only decision to make - is who is going to jump first.

zooz said...

always there for you my friend

K.D. Morgan said...

Always here to read and listen.

If I can say one thing: Take the risks.

TJ said...

I'm sorry to hear about this recent turn of events, and hope that you are able to find comfort whereever you can to help lift your spirits.

From what you shared about GG's decision, one thing to consider is that the door might not be closed on your relationship forever. Just maybe, with a little time and perspective, the two of you might come to a better understanding of real dynamic that had been occuring between you, and you both might decide to give yourselves another chance.

And if that doesn't happen, try to find the most positive, personal insight from this experience--and then use it to prepare yourself for when the right person and the right moment comes along...

E-E said...

...the worst day for me, too.
Truly horrible.

I hope that, through the digital airways, across the miles and miles of ocean, things get better for both of us, and know that I am thinking of you often.
Even though I really don't know you, except for how wonderful you are through your blog and the emails we have sent each other ... I am wishing you nothing but a quick recovery to a smile.

Alexis said...

I'm sorry to hear things ended with GG. It sounds rather abrupt? Who knows. Still a hard thing to go through.

Of course everybody has the "I'm going to die old and alone" moment when relationships close. But the reality is that you WON'T die old and alone (although hopefully the old part is true). Anyhoo....hope you feel better soon.

Caterpiller said...

I am sorry WDKY, but look at it this way...

YOu don't want to settle, right?

emma said...

Awful news, soooooo sorry.

kimmyk said...

Man what a shocker.
I'm truly sorry to hear about this turn of awful events.
Maybe a face to face chat with GG will resolve some issues you both have regarding closeness and letting down walls.
I hope either way it works out......for the both of you.

(ya don't think she found your blog do ya?)

Surviving Online Dating said...

So sorry.

ladylongfellow said...

Sorry, WDKY...but I can relate. God, I know it sucks, you question yourself, the friendship, pretty much everything to try and figure out where it went wrong. That does pass, and when that door is closed another will open -or at least that is what I try to tell myself.

Parveneh said...

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King

Hope tomorrow is better for you.

Bittersweet said...

Ok, here's the deal... You already know the deal. Your scared and you push people away when they want to get close. I have been there plenty of times. I was in a long term relationship and after it ended, I refused to date for sometime. When I did begin to date, men would want to get close, but I would pull away. Eventually, they would get the, "hint" and move away or on as it would be, too. After they left, I would mourn the loss of their presence in a way. I think it is only when someone is not around can you truely value their impact on your life. I guess the real question is, how do you stop pulling away and give in a little? Sometimes you have to take a risk...or take a deep breath, cross your fingers and dive in..."Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away."

k said...

I'm seconding what everyone else says... and I loved your post, even if it was sad and covered sucky events and wasn't happy and joyous and fun... it rang true. Networkchic is a friggin genius - and should the occasion ever call for it between you and I... I will assure you beyond a shadow of a doubt that *I* will be the first one to jump... and you can stand in the doorway of the plane and yell at me as I descend "Kel!!! You forgot your chute!" Take care you!

J's Girlfriend said...

Aaaw! I'm very sorry to hear that... So you're not going to put up a fight then? It might be worth it...

There is probably commitment phobia on both sides here, which is always tricky.

But at least you have all these gorgeous women leaving comments on your blog. Hope you feel better today!

How can we cheer you up?

toupacz said...

I see I'm not the only person who meets women then starts questioning that something might not be right and back off.I read this bit 3 times and how it rang true to my life.The things one learns from others missfortunes.

You said she wasn't perfect but you said the more important things,you have never met anyone like her and she was special,those,I think are what make a woman worth fighting for.
I thought the same things about a woman,when it came to the end my head said move on but my heart said fight for her.Unfortunately I went with my head and my heart suffered.Now I wish I'd have tried harder even if I never got her back in my life.
Take some time to see how you feel,but don't wait too long and loose what may be a good thing.

p.s. talk to the kids it's suprising what they think of you having a date

j said...

that's tough.
sorry that it happened.

i like that you are careful with the kids. that is a good dad thing to do and therefore makes you a good man. i think you'll all win eventually due to this.

your 'girl' (whomever she is) needs to be someone who gets the fact that you come with more than just you and that time needs to be in the equation. as well, since you do know you and continue to look at yourself, i think (as someone else mentioned) you will know 'her'. it will click.

NewYorkMoments said...

I'm obviously the most cynical person around these blogs, but I have to tell you that I really do believe with all of my heart & soul that the "right" person will come along when you're ready for them. And that it will be wonderful and easy and all of those great things. I believe it for you and for *gasp* me, and for most people.

Just now you've got a lot on your plate. Your company and your children need to be nurtured, and they will nurture you. If the proverbial perfect woman walked into your life right now you probably wouldn't be able to devote what you would need to devote to that relationship.

Take care of yourself & your kids & your work, and one day she'll walk into your life & you'll just know.

***I'm hoping that you won't share this with anyone else. I wouldn't want everyone to know that I have such romantic notions... ;-)

check said...

im soo sorry to hear that WDKY, i know im late.. but i just wanted to say.. hang in there, the next few days are gonna be tough, dont re-read the emails too many times, and just take care of yourself... things always work out for the best, i really and truly believe that, may not seem that way right now but it's true...
lots of warm hugs..
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..

me said...

just a big kiss for u ... big and sweet...

nukie310 said...

Sorry WDKY.

Nuff said.

k o w said...

Bloody hell mate, I'm late to this posting.

All I can say is this...

W D K Y

know what I'm saying?

WDKY said...

I know just what you're saying, KOW!

Blondie said...

I hope you're doing well today. Have a great weekend ok?

xx
R

WDKY said...

Thanks Ruthie, you too...