GG and me.

After the furore that poor GG seems to have stirred up (unwittingly, of course) I think it's time that I at least attempted to address some of the issues that have been raised. Part of the problem is that I've allowed sex (I'm completely hacked off with those bloody asterisks so you're getting the uncensored version in future) to dominate the posts I've written. I could have tried to avoid that happening, but I allowed it to for good reason. So now I'm going to try to shed a little more light on this rather unusual dynamic that is "GG and me".

It's been suggested that our relationship is lacking in intimacy. Strangely, I'd say that the opposite is true, in that it's one of the more intimate relationships I've been in for a long time. When we're together, it's incredibly comfortable, and whilst we talk a lot there are also a lot of silences that simply don't need filling. With anything. We seem to understand each other perfectly, and think and feel the same way about pretty much everything of any importance. And no, come Sunday afternoon I don't feel like I want to have my space to myself, and I don't feel like I want to shepherd her towards the door as soon as possible. She feels "right" when she's in my space.

Conversely (and this is really fascinating me at the moment) I don't feel that same intimacy when we have sex. Yes, it's very uninhibited (I could give you details but I really think that some things are best left to the imagination) and sometimes completely... I don't know... abandoned. But whilst there seem to be very few things that are off the agenda, there just seems to be something dispassionate about it. And you know what? If I put this to GG, she'd be horrified. And I think it's because this is the only sex she knows. It's as if sex is just a mechanical process for her to achieve as many orgasms as she can in a given time frame. The more I think about this, the more I think that sex is the focus for a whole load of issues - maybe from when she was younger, maybe just the consequence of her relationship history. I don't have the answers at the moment.

But so far as GG's obsession with all things physical is concerned, I'm going to be completely honest. The truth is, I want more from the time I spend with her than a constant erection. I don't want to feel like I'm some kind of human dildo, and the initial joyful surprise at the prospect of spending every second we're together fucking like rabbits is beginning to change. It's starting to lose its novelty. Now, there's a problem here, because I know myself very well... too well, I sometimes think. And if I get it in my head that there's something about this relationship that isn't "working", the likelihood is that at some stage I'm just going to walk away from it. There are lots of reasons for me responding like this, but central to it is the strangely calm and balanced place I've managed to find for myself at this stage of my life. Mentally, I mean, or maybe spiritually (or both). And I don't want this put at risk.

What does all this mean? I'm fucked if I know at the moment. I said a long time ago that it might be something that turns out to be really important, but it might not. I guess that still applies, but I think that something's going to have to change soon if we're going to achieve anything really meaningful. In the meantime, all I can do is leave you with a comment that GG made as we lay, exhausted, on the rug in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"You know, I really don't think this could get any better. Even with Viagra."

You've got to laugh...