Friday, October 28, 2005

What I want

Chemistry. It might be hard to describe just what it is that we mean, but we sure as hell know it when we feel it. But let’s not kid ourselves that it’s some spiritual Nirvana that we want, because it’s about something much more tangible than that. It’s about something physical. And before anyone say’s “Hang on a minute, WDKY…” think about it for a while. If we meet someone platonically, and we really get on, we say afterwards that we… what? We really got on? It’s only if there’s some expectation or hope of sexual potential that we talk, or think, in terms of chemistry. When we get home from a date and say to the first person that will listen, “God, you should have felt the chemistry”, we’re talking about sexual attraction.

So it stands to reason that sexual compatibility is a pretty vital component of this elusive chemistry. And that kind of compatibility requires understanding, and empathy, and a desire to get inside the head of the person you’re with so that you can really – really – get on their wavelength. So that you can know what it is that they want, and give it to them. I had an email yesterday about this whole issue, and it was written in a way that I'm beginning to regard as normal for this particular person now… beautiful prose and profound meaning. And what it said really made sense.
“…Sometimes I think it’s because sex comes from different places for some people. For some it's simply an act of pleasure, one body trying to please the other. But for others it's about pleasure of the heart, the soul, a whole different kind of desire…”

That resonates with me. It isn’t about being in love, or about “making love”, but it is about something that’s more than a fuck. Yes, at times all we want to do when we see our partner is rip the clothes from our bodies and have each other where we stand, with no thought other than to quench that burning, immediate desire. But at other times, we - okay, I - need, or want to transcend that. I want it to be more than a fuck. That’s when it can be something memorable (and something much more than just physical)… when every cell of two people’s beings are merged, when every breath is a breath for both of you. That, for me, is sex.

I said I was going to write a post about kissing, because I love to kiss and it’s become something of an issue. And with kissing, sometimes it can just be about that immediate desire I mentioned, but for the most part I like it to be slow, and sensual. Soft lips, tongues gently exploring, whilst the whole time the passion is building, the kiss is becoming more eager, until it reaches a crescendo… it can be such an intimate experience. I was going to write about the fact that the only kisses I get are hard, and aggressive, and without any real feel for the sensuality of the act itself. Without any feel for the moment. But actually, it’s about more than kissing. It’s about chemistry. That’s what I want, and I’m coming to the conclusion that it just isn’t what I have at the moment.

A quick edit: This post is just me thinking aloud, which as you might have noticed is what I enjoy doing on here. Whatever GG and I have between us, sex has been slightly problematic - from my perspective at least - from day one. It may seem like I think a lot (especially for a bloke) but actually I believe in thinking, and in actions I'm pretty decisive. (Some have said ruthless, but I beg to differ!!) When I'm clear about what I want to do, I will do it.

40 comments:

NewYorkMoments said...

I agree with you...I think that you can have s*xual chemistry with somone that doesn't include an emotional connection, And that can be great. But there's also the cases where they two are combined, and that can be great also.

I love kissing. It's an art. If a guy can't kiss, it's over.

Go with your gut!

WDKY said...

I think I'm going to have to NYM... I'm kind of trying to give it more than just a shot, but inside I think I know that this stuff is too important to push to one side.

Oh... I'm loving your blog :-)

Caterpillar said...

WDKY, that was so gorgeously and perfectly written. It drew me in so completely, both what you were saying and HOW you said it. It was almost like poetry.

And with GG, you've given this a shot even after you had reservations. At the beginning it's fine (and fun!) to be all about animal passion, but as a relationship moves on, it's true that there needs to be more of that connection and, as you say, chemistry, on a whole other level.

Good luck!!!

Sher said...

Perfect sense... Did I call it or what? I felt it, I knew it..ahh the glory of being "right" again.

Now whatcha gonna do?

Time to fly NYM over...

nukie310 said...

Does it make sense then to abstain? I would think then that the animal passion would not get in the way and you can make sure that the chemistry is there before you get too involved in a relationship that is doomed from the beginning.

WDKY said...

Cat, how are your fingers? Are you a good kisser?

Sher - okay, okay... I didn't ever say you were wrong, I just didn't say anything.Ah, and NYM...

Nukie, abstain from what, and when? There comes a time when sex... happens. It's only then that you can form some kind of view as to whether you liked it or not. Until then it's not an issue.

K.D. Morgan said...

I also agree with what you stated. For me, chemistry equates passion - and not just in the sex area either.

WDKY said...

Hi, KD... no, not only but definitely including. I love you eye image, by the way.

toupacz said...

We all put out sexual chemistry,be it flirting with the waitress at the bar or someone you have just met.But I think there is a deeper chemistry,one in which it passes the mind and is felt deep inside that touches your soul.If felt by both I think that calling it sex doesn't come close to the true feeling

NewYorkMoments said...

Hey WDKY--I like Sher's suggestion :-) Then I can thank you properly for fixing my blog!

sirreene said...

the chemistry isn't there in your relationship? ...and you let her cut your hair...if I were you, I wouldn't mention the way I feel about the 'lack of chemistry' in your relationship when she is holding scissors.
and I too love great kissers! that's HOT!!
time to allow NYmoments to thank you in person for the greatblogjob!

kt said...

yep. pure physical release can be quite adequate but often empty. The 'something more' is harder to define, extremely personal, and can be very hard to find (and it's not just about technique, it's something to do with a meeting of minds, excuse me if that sounds cheesy). Go with your instinct. If it's not there by now, it's not going to happen. Sad, but true. Good luck!

WDKY said...

Hi toupacz. Thanks for the comment, and yes, well put.

NYM, if I ever tell you that I've got your tickets for you, you'd better not come up with any lame excuses...

Sirreene - I won't need another haircut for quite a while now - she did take quite a lot off. As for kissing, it's an art form, and the way that I express my inner being!

Kt - thanks. No, not cheesy at all... we're expressing the same thing in a different way.

positronic said...

This is a fantastic insight. It rings true. The thing with the purely physical sex is that there is often nothing afterwards. No desire to just stay there and do anything or nothing, as is the case with the sex which, as you aptly put, transcends 'just sex' because the thought of leaving becomes unbearable.

positronic said...

And, I forgot to add, all attraction is sexual. (I think)

WDKY said...

It probably rings true for most of us, Pos. We all seek the same thing in the end, don't we?

NewYorkMoments said...

Excuses? No way!

kimmyk said...

Reading this post made me sad WDKY.

Obviously this is something you're struggling with in your relationship with Miss GG.
As great as the sex is-there's something lacking.
I'm such the romantic-I want everyone to be happy and get along and when ya kiss I want birds chirping and harps playing in the background. Sometimes that doesn't happen.
I think a person can be so attractive and the sexual chemistry can be a wonderful thing-but if the foundation isn't that strong-there's nothing to build on.
As far as kissing goes-that's an art.
Make ya feel all warm inside...nice. Sex? That's an act. Anyone can have sex..but kiss a girl and you take her breath away? That's some serious business right there. That's your heart....
I hope you get it all figured out...before it continues to get too serious and you find yourself angry and frustrated..and stickin around so you don't hurt someone else.

WDKY said...

Having come to this realisation, I'm sad too, Kimmy. I just have to make my mind up now about whether I should just give it bit more time to see if things can change, or whether I respond to my instinct now. You're right - I don't want to hurt GG... she's a lovely person and I feel something for her, without question.

Oh dear.

Sky said...

Agree with NYM..a good kisser is a must. It's all about being in sync with each other. It's important to have both the emotional and physical chemistry.

Like NYM said, you should go with your gut.

zooz said...

Just take care, because it feels to me like GG is falling in love with you.

You exude a charm that I've seen working with men and women in person, by e-mail and on-line. It comes naturally to you and it's entirely truthful and from your heart, which is why I've seen, women especially, bowled over by it. And, more importantly, misinterpreting it for something more.

WDKY said...

Sky, I'm just letting my gut settle down so it's giving me a consistent message. Then I'll know if it needs something from the medicine cabinet or not. (Enough of this analogy already.)

Zooz... you know me well enough to know that there's only one "me" - I don't have different faces for different people. I do try to behave myself, though, bearing in mind that you've told me off more than once!

Networkchic said...

It's about growing up, realizing that sex involves more than just sticking thing A in thing B (whatever your preference is). Sex is about connection - physical, emotional. If you have only one part, it will never last. They are two parts that rely on the existence of the other. Beautiful post.

WDKY said...

Thanks nwc - I tell it how I see it. I agree with you, too.

emma said...

A good kisser can make me do anything.

WDKY said...

Chance would be a fine thing.

Brown Eyed Girl said...

hmmm, thanks for that. Intimacy (grown-up sex?) is such a complicated thing - sex never makes a relationship for me, but it has broken many that can't grow beyond. Almost being in love sucks.

WDKY said...

Yes, it's such fun, BEG... makes you wonder why we do it so often :-)

Sky said...

It's a strange thing..those gut feelings. One minute they tell you one thing and the next telling you another. Same predicament here. I understand what you mean about consistence.

I agree with zooz...you do have the charm baby...use it wisely.

WDKY said...

Actually, my gut feeling at the moment is that it's almost time for dinner!

Sky, you're a bit of a charmer yourself :-)

k o w said...

This may be the best post ever.

ladylongfellow said...

Chemistry: Do your pheromones like my pheromones? lol I conveniently have no other comment on kissing, sex, etc.

check said...

evryones.already.said.what.i.wouldve...dunno.if.im.right.but.those.words.in.ur.post.sounded.like.they.came.from.nwc...

WDKY said...

KOW, it may be my best post ever, although I've just tried to articulate something I've been thinking about. I certainly owe you for that, though... we'd better call it two pints now, then.

LL - I have a feeling our pheromones would get on well together. Why are you taking the 5th?

Check (ROFL)... still got keyboard problems? (ROFL again!) I suppose you think if you guess the author you can choose a body-part?

unforgiving b*tch said...

See there are other people out there who think you're just as charming as I do...there's just something about you...

WDKY said...

UB, you're pretty lovely yourself, as it happens. Now stop it before I begin to believe it all ;-)

Caterpillar said...

Hey there! A late response to your earlier query: 1) my fingers don't hurt now but will in a couple hours when I pull out the guitar to practice. And 2) I've been told more than once that I'm a good kisser! I certainly know what works well and what feels good. I've thought about writing a pamphlet or book on kissing - for guys, since I've had so many terrible, TERRIBLE kissers and kissing styles before! Blechhh! :)

WDKY said...

I always think that claims like that need to be proven at some stage, Cat...

Caterpillar said...

Mmmm, that will give me fantasies for the weekend!!

And I so enjoy proving myself and my abilities, especially when someone issues a kind of challenge!

NML said...

I learnt only too recently about sexual chemistry and no matter how much I tried, it wasn't happening. Great kiss, shit in bed, no connection. I thought I'd lost my mojo for a few days but it took an accidental conversation about a different guy to turn the mojo back on.
Kissing is a beatiful activity that must be brilliant, or at least good.
You must follow your gut - that's what I've had to do, even when it has made me miserable in the past. I'll be rooting for you all the way.