Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Shopping and chicken soup

Well, it's now over week since my "misfortune". Having wallowed (embarrassingly) in self-pity for a couple of days, I decided to be proactive.

Please note, therefore, the rather attractive external hard drive in the background of the photo on the left, set for an automatic daily backup routine of all files. This is going to be supplemented by a download to CD-ROM at the end of each week. It's a bit bloody late, frankly, but better late than never (as they say).

Yesterday, I did a bit more shopping. It was quite funny, actually, because the girl in the sports store couldn't reach the bats (they were suspended from the wall at a child-proof level) and actually asked if I could lift her. This proved harder than one might have imagined, and I suggested she get on my shoulders (although for some reason she declined).

Anyway, I'd like to draw your attention to the scrupulously clean bedding as well as the rather funky bat, because this is apparently unusual for a guy living on his own. Oh, and anyone intending to visit my home for nefarious purposes - be warned. I'm likely to hurt you, probably quite badly.

I went over to Zooz's house for her birthday dinner last night, and had a thoroughly nice time in the company of not only Zooz but also Daughter of Zooz and Grant. The food was excellent, the grass was sublime, and the chicken soup I took home in a plastic container smelt gorgeous. Happy Birthday for Thursday, Zooz!!!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Being an adult

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been to understand and accept how my actions, whether intentional or not, have caused others around me to suffer in some way… to feel pain. It’s easy, of course, for me to excuse myself on the basis that I was young, or that I was “following my heart”. The fact is, though, that responsibility for my actions can only sit with me. It’s one of the things that comes with being an adult, and like it or not, you can’t avoid it.

This evening, I knew I had to have a conversation that required complete honesty. I could have ignored what I knew I felt, and I could have somehow dealt with it in a way that didn’t leave me as exposed as I knew I’d feel… exposed to what was an inevitable response. But I’ve been a coward before, and I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth. And, just for a while, I think I’ll allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel… a sense of loss, perhaps, or a glimpse of my own vulnerability. Whatever, it’s done.

I found my first client today, by the way. Not a big one, and we still have to meet (not for three weeks, unfortunately) to agree on scope and cost, but it looks like it might be a nice, regular job each quarter. Just a few days work each time, but still… I think I’ll celebrate with a vodka and tonic. Cheers.

Edit: I'm sorry if this is a wierd post... I didn't set out with weirdness in mind, but it developed into a post of my thoughts. Me to me, almost. I was actually talking about a situation where a friend wanted more from me than I was able to give, and the consequence is that I've lost a friend. I could have compromised us both on what would have been a gamble, but it didn't feel right to do it.

I'll try to be a little less obtuse in future.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Pink champagne and bacon bagels

It's a beautiful day today... a clear blue sky, and crisply cold without that usual dampness that's synonymous with the British winter. It feels like everything is fine with the world, and I'm about to get changed and run a few miles, soaking up that vitamin D and enjoying the rawness of the cold air hitting my lungs. That burn... for some reason I love it.

I'd intended to have a quiet night last night, but a friend emailed me during the day and we decided to go out for a meal in a local restaurant. When I got to her place, though, it was just too... cosy. The heating was on, the candles were alight, and there was a bottle of pink champagne in the fridge. So Saturday night consisted of not one, but two bottles of champagne and a couple of bacon bagels. Strange, but also strangely perfect. Sometimes nights like that can't be planned, they just need to... happen. She called me this morning, and said "You know, WDKY, sometimes I wonder if you're real or if I just imagined you somehow"... I so know how she feels. ROFL.

Oh yes, I did something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago. It kind of seems a bit late now, but I have a strong sense of comfort that, yet again, I've learnt from my mistakes. I make lots, but rarely the same one twice! Here - see for yourself... can you guess?


Friday, January 27, 2006

Through the wringer

I really do feel like I've been through the wringer this week. It started off last Friday, when some little git on a scooter drove into the side of my car and then drove off without exchanging details. After that, the burglary, which - having not experienced anything like it before - was strangely draining emotionally. The next day, I learnt that the project I was told unofficially I'd won had gone to someone else... there will be others, but this one was perfect, and high-value - I wanted to win it as the pressure would have been off for the rest of the year. Then, yesterday, the police called to say they'd recovered some papers, and I spent most of the day seeing what could be salvaged from the mass of sopping wet, muddy and torn documents that had been left in some bushes near the local school. Finally, this morning, Mum called to say one of her cats had died last night as a consequence of liver failure. It's been the kind of week that nightmares are made of, and because of all the upheaval I've barely seen the children.

Well, they're here tonight, and it's the weekend. I've decided this is kind of like starting a diet... from next Monday it's going to be business as usual, and in the meantime I'm going to enjoy being with the children and having a quiet, peaceful Saturday night. No dates, no sex.

But hey - that was some week, wasn't it? I found myself laughing as I was thinking about it earlier, which I hope is a good sign, as opposed to an indication of some kind of mental instability or temporary, stress-induced insanity. Now, if I can just stop myself lying awake all night, hammer to hand, listening for sounds of forced entry...

Enjoy your weekends, and don't leave any doors or windows unlocked. Trust me, it's good advice.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Getting a grip

Well, I've had a mope, sworn at the cat, felt like a complete idiot, and sulked for a few days. Now, though, I've decided that it's time to pick myself up off the floor and get a grip. I've got a hell of a lot to do, and I'm going to get on and do it.

My computer is fine, and is probably better than the old one - it'll cost me, but what's done is done. And through a good network of friends, I've managed to get some of the data I lost, restore a lot of my documents relating to the new company, and I'm now hoping that some new leads will result in a little business coming my way before the end of the month. I also managed to get hold of my marketing database, so I can begin mailing and contacting new clients again. All is not lost, and the police called yesterday to tell me that they've recovered one of my box files - I have no idea what's in it because it's with forensics at the moment, but hopefully some of my papers and documents will still be there.

So, feeling a little better about life last night, I locked all the doors and windows and went out on a date. She was... well, nice enough. No chemistry, but it was a fun evening. And, bizarrely, Zooz was in the same restaurant on a date as well, so I even got a sympathy cuddle for good measure. And we had a good laugh comparing notes when we both got back to our respective homes - apparently my date wasn't quite "cute" enough for her liking. I don't know about that, but she was a TV producer, and dropped some excellent names throughout the evening! To be honest, it was a little too close to my rather lovely evening (well, burglary aside) of last weekend for me to take it seriously, but the arrangements had been made ages ago and I didn't want to cancel at the last minute.

I'm going to take a tour of the blogs I normally visit later, and would just like to thank everyone for all the very kind comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It really did help, because I was just a little bit miserable. But hey - life's too short, and there's too much opportunity out there to sit around dwelling on misfortune any longer. I reckon I'm due some luck, failing which I'm just going to have to make my own!

(By the way, anyone who uses Firefox should take a look at the Performancing for Blogger extension - it's outstanding, and allows posting to your blog without having to go through the Dashboard. Try it.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Things can only get better

Apologies if I don't do the Blog rounds for a day or two - just trying to get myself straight over here.

Hmmm… where shall I start? Okay, Saturday then…

Well, a few of you guessed right, in that I was intending to visit a friend who had asked if I might fancy, errr… ahem…. Well, we’ve known each other a long time, and we’re both single at the moment. So, to cut a shortish story even shorter, I said yes. In the event, she decided it was easier to come over to me, and so I went shopping in the afternoon for some dinner, and then stepped out of the shower even as she was parking on my drive.

I think it may be best if I spare you the details of the evenings activities, but suffice it to say that I didn’t start cooking until gone 11 o’clock, and by the time we’d finished eating it was getting on for 1am. I suppose we fell asleep at around 3, and as I forgot to turn off the bloody alarm clock I was awake pretty early and dying for a cup of coffee. I slipped out of the bedroom, went downstairs, and nearly tripped over what had been the contents of a kind of side-table shelf in the corner of the lounge. I immediately wondered what was going on, because I knew I hadn’t left them there, and in any event an antique carved wooden box – which I paid an absolute fortune for on a trip to Prague last year – was nowhere in sight.

I could see into the kitchen, and most of the cupboards and drawers were open, with the contents strewn over the work surfaces. As I looked, I realised with a feeling of complete dread that someone had been in the house. And as I turned towards the door to my office - which is an extension at the back of the house - I could barely bring myself to check if my worst fears had been realised. But check I did, and sure enough my laptop and case had gone. And my laptop had every piece of data I could possibly need to get the business up and running… models of contracts, specifications, systems, processes, graphics, databases… you name it, and it was on there, as well as three month’s worth of work setting the company itself up prior to January. All gone, and all irrecoverable. (No, I hadn't backed it up yet - I'm a prat! Ed)

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had two large box files with pretty much every important piece of paper that I’ve ever kept, along with passports, letters, stuff from Mum and Dad, old pictures and paintings from when the children were babies, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, title deeds… I don’t even think I want to go on with the list. The laptop and the box-files were quite simply the two most important things in my house, and (barring the children, of course) probably in my life.

Of course, I called the police, but I’m really just going through the motions, and I’m just going to have to get over it. I have literally months of work to get back to as close to the position I was in as I can, and even then it won’t be remotely close. It’s just a complete and utter disaster. Oh, and on top of everything else, my insurers are already causing me as many problems as they can, and I’m going to have to fight just to recover anything from them. Bastards.

It’s almost funny, in a vaguely hysterical way, that moments after I was being told on the telephone this morning that "things can only get better", I received a call to tell me I didn’t get the job I’ve been pitching for. Now, I know I need to put it all in perspective, but I think that – just for a little while – I’m going to just stay as I am. REALLY PISSED OFF.

Which pillock was it who said “what doesn’t kill you...”??

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Message From WDKY

wdky has asked me to post a message on his behalf.

Last night he was burgled and the fuckwits nicked, amongst many things, his laptop. This means, of course, that he won't be posting or responding to any e mails for a bit.

He's fine but I'll leave him to tell you at a later date, how devasting the effects of this burglary will be for him.

Zooz


Update

Just got back online with a new laptop and a somewhat lighter bank balance. Thanks for the messages/comments - I'll post a little later and let you know what's been going on. It hasn't been a very good couple of days :-(

Saturday, January 21, 2006

A friend in need

Can you believe it's the weekend again? Where does the time go... and it's going to be a good one. It's sunny, Spurs are at home, and it's me, my son and my brother there today. A family affair, and there's something I love about that.

I'm posting a little early today, as I got a surprise email from a friend of mine a couple of days ago... well, the email wasn't a surprise as we email each other all the time, but the contents were. So I'm off tonight on a kind of... errr... well, let's call it a opportunity to help a friend. I won't be around later, in fact until tomorrow, but I will catch up on what everyone's up to then. I promise.

Oh yes, the phone call... well, I was told yesterday that I'd edged in front, and a decision is imminent. I'm not going to worry about it (yeah, right), and if it happens it happens. Anyway, there's something to be said for living for the moment, and worrying doesn't fit that philosophy very well.

Enjoy the weekend, all of you.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Labels

romantic (rō-măn'tĭk)

adj.
  1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance.
  2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance. See synonyms at sentimental.
  3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere.
  4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions.
  5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past.
n.
  1. A romantic person.
  2. often Romantic A follower or adherent of romanticism.

I was just watching an episode of Nip Tuck… I tend to dip in and out of the series, but every time I catch an episode I’m amazed at it’s ability to capture… what? Maybe just the human condition. Tonight, though, was an episode for the romantics.

Someone asked me a while ago what I meant when I said I was a romantic. I answered that any response I could give would be too simplistic, but afterwards I thought I may have meant the opposite… that any answer I could give would be too complex. There’s a conundrum for you.

I find the whole subject of love quite fascinating. On the one hand, I like what a lot of the evolutionists have to say. But, if I were one, I’d believe that love was just an endocrinal process to ensure procreation, and the continuation of the species. But, as an almost-atheist, I’m no creationist either. I’ve decided that it’s best if I don’t try to label myself – I don’t let others do it so I won’t do it either

If I hadn’t just been watching television, I would have told you that a friend of mine sent me a joke today, and it really tickled my sense of humour. It was definitely my kind of joke.

A man walked into a dentist's office and said, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on.”

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Calm yourself

I’m trying to keep myself busy – making some calls, filing my expenses, dealing with a couple of overdue jobs – but I must be honest. I’m beginning to bite my nails, as I was expecting a call by now. I must keep saying to myself over and over, “have no expectation… have no expectation… have no expectation...” I think I’ll make a lousy Buddhist (if I ever get myself to that retreat I keep thinking about, and actually start to sit every day).

The trouble is, of course, that the longer I wait, the less optimistic I become. The role is also slightly less strategic, and slightly more hands-on, than I would normally pitch for, and one or two questions were raised yesterday that kind of indicated that the fact hadn’t gone unnoticed. Oh well… I can’t influence the decision any further, so I’m going to try and think about something else.

Right… I guess I’ll post an update later (gulp). In the meantime, here's another thought to finish with for now…

“The greatest degree of inner tranquillity comes from the development of love and compassion” (The Dalai Lama)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I wish I was in bed

I wish I was in bed. I could be, of course… I just need to power down my laptop, brush my teeth, kiss Lola goodnight and ascend the stairs. Sounds quite easy, really. But there’s something about sitting in my office in the early hours of the morning that I love.

The window to the garden is open, and there’s a cool breeze hitting the side of my face as I type. It should be colder, but for some reason it isn’t. The night air has a certain quality about it, though… a kind of stillness. Most of the lights in the houses around me are off, and it feels like I’m the only one awake. If I didn’t have a busy day tomorrow, I’d almost like to sit here until the birds start to sing in the morning. But I do have a busy day tomorrow, and an important one. I have the final meeting to secure my first commission, and dark bags under my eyes won’t help, I wouldn’t have thought.

I spoke to S, my son, this evening and we were chatting about his project on Greek Gods and Goddesses that was handed in today (he’s eight). Yesterday, we printed it off and bound it (the binder was one of the first things I bought for the new company, and this is the only time I’ve used it). It looked lovely, with a clear acetate cover on the front and board on the back. I asked what his teacher said when he gave it to her, and he replied that she told him it looked “posh”. I’m not sure if that’s good or not, but it did make me laugh.

Right. Window closed, last cigarette of the day finished… I’m off. Sweet dreams, all.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Thinking aloud

Last night I made no plans whatsoever. This is relatively rare on a Saturday night, but as I’m completely uninvolved romantically at the moment, and the children were with their mother, I decided to take a bit of a break from the world at large and just lose myself in the oasis that I call home.

Over the last few days, I’ve found myself going through one of my introspective phases, and by early evening, as dusk settled and thoughts turned to cooking, I was pleased to be alone. I checked what movies were playing on Sky and was absolutely delighted to see that Roman Polanski’s “The Tenant” was due to start at ten o’clock. Now, The Tenant is definitely a flawed work, with scenes held slightly too long, a plot that sometimes seems too predictable, and acting that – even with co-stars like Shelley Winters, Isabelle Adjani and Melvyn Douglas – leaves something to be desired.

But I love the kind of moody, slightly threatening atmosphere the movie creates, and Polanski’s playing of the lead role, a timid Polish immigrant trying to start a new life in Paris, is fascinating. For some reason, the film reminds me of one of my favourite novels, The Insult (written by Rupert Thomson). It could almost be a parallel universe, set anywhere, at any time. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Anyway, the reason for this rambling critique is that everything was, in a sense, perfect last night and I ended up in that place, mentally, that enables a kind of “absolute” clarity of thought. I don’t really know a better way to phrase it, but it was one of those times when there was a certain transparency to my life. The good and the bad, the positive and the negative. Yin and yang.

I’m sure that the key to being happy is acceptance. Acceptance of the past, and acceptance that we can’t manipulate the future. I suppose it sounds like I’m stating the obvious, but sometimes its nice just to think aloud.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Tagged by Hammy


4 Jobs I have had
  1. Barman (actually, there's a really shocking animal sex story I could tell you. Gross.)
  2. Photographer (those were the days. I almost made it too.)
  3. Store manager (took it past the £1m. Once accidentally pooped in the window.)
  4. Consultant (trust me, I’m a doctor. Actually, of the management kind.)

4 Places I have lived
  1. London (many different areas, and still do. Ish.)
  2. Ipswich (loved it. Oh, and I got engaged there)
  3. Norwich (shacked up with two gay lovers but didn’t join in. Not even once.)
  4. Various digs, far too seedy to mention (really. The stories I could tell.)

4 TV Shows I like
  1. Battlestar Galactica (brilliant, outstanding, wonderful.)
  2. X-Files (come back please… I think I love you.)
  3. The Office (ditto. Please don’t think I mean the US version.)
  4. Buffy (phwoar. And also because I was sent a very funny joke about it yesterday.)

4 Places I have Gone To On Vacation
  1. New York City (almost moved there permanently.)
  2. Aquadulce, Spain (had an apartment there.)
  3. Somewhere or other in Portugal (made a bit of a change.)
  4. Llarn, Wales (included because I lost my virginity in a tent there.)

4 Web Sites I Visit Daily
  1. http://my3.statcounter.com/
  2. http://www.newsnow.co.uk/newsfeed/?name=Tottenham+Hotspur
  3. http://mail.google.com/
  4. My company’s website (well, I can’t exactly post the URL, can I?)

4 Favourite Foods
  1. Macaroni cheese (I blame Mum for that.)
  2. Lamb shank (I fucking love it.)
  3. Sausages and mash (with onion gravy, preferably. HAVE to have it if it’s on the menu.)
  4. The kebabs you get next to the Tottenham stadium

4 Places I would Like to be Right Now
  1. In Halle Berry’s mouth (did I say that?)
  2. Sandwiched between Kylie and Danni Minogue (Halle’s welcome too!)
  3. Anywhere without an Internet connection or a mobile phone signal
  4. Back in bed. Who’s coming?

4 People I don't Like
  1. George Bush (representing politicians everywhere.)
  2. Osama and all related cohorts
  3. My sister's 4th husband (remember him?)
  4. Bigots, homophobes and (most) Arsenal supporters
Now, I won't tag anyone but feel free to continue this on your own blog or in the comments - just tell me if you do it on your blog so I can make sure I read it.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Random thoughts 14

Well, it’s been an interesting week, all in all, and it has to be said that I’m looking forward to the weekend with relish. Although it’s not like I won’t be going into the office, because the office is now at home. Still, it will feel like the weekend, even if there won’t be a change of scenery.

I had a lovely, relaxed evening last night in the company of NML, who’s even nicer in person the she appears to be on her fantastic blog. We went to my favourite Thai restaurant in Soho right next door to Ronnie Scott's (they actually know me when I walk in – I love that) where she endeavoured to eat despite being in a state of shock through thinking I was going to be wearing a white suit. A white suit? Come on, NML, I drive an Alfa! Anyway, the food was beautiful, and all the waitresses are from the Far East... they're very attentive, smile at you adoringly and proceed to misinterpret almost eveything you ask for. I love it there in the summer, when they throw open the upstairs windows onto the hustle and bustle of Soho below, with street entertainers, Hari Krishnas and wonderful jazz bands providing the entertainment in this melting pot of a city.

Speaking of “that car”, it went in for its annual service last week, which on its own amounted to £330. I also have to find another £600 for the other stuff that needs doing to it, including a second set of new tyres (I bought a set last year too, and the cars only 2 years old!). Good looks are so often part of a high-maintenance package, aren’t they?? I think I may have to revert to my biking days at this rate… I don’t know what clients would think if I turned up to meetings in full leathers, but the idea has its attractions…

C and I are officially over, before we really started. It’s a shame, but I can do without any kind of ambiguity in my life at the moment, as I really need to focus on work. I’m already a little behind on one project for M due to chasing down the opportunity I’ve referred to elsewhere on here (and a load of other work-related stuff that occupied my time) so my first priority is to get that job done. Next week I have my final interview/meeting with The Potential Client, by the way, and apparently I’m doing okay so far. Keep you fingers crossed for me.

And have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

HNT 15 - and 20,000 hits

I can’t believe it myself, but yesterday afternoon What Doesn’t Kill You received its 20,000th hit – drum roll for Kimberley, who unfortunately didn’t leave a return address with her comment, but who would otherwise have got something rather special. Kimberley, if you read this let me have your email address and/or blog URL so that I can pay you the appropriate homage and/or send you a little something.

I remember saying after hit no. 10,000 that I never set out with the intention of gathering any kind of readership, and I can only thank everyone again for stopping by so often. I try to write from the heart, and hopefully I succeed in this respect. That said, I can only aspire to write as beautifully as some of my fellow bloggers regularly do. And, thank god, for every nut-job out there, there are also dozens of genuine people who offer a little glimpse of their lives, and their thoughts, for the rest of us. Oh, and I think we should have one big party at Chez WDKY when the needle hits 50,000 – what do you say?

In all the excitement, I nearly forgot that the whole purpose of this post was to celebrate HNT yet again. So, I give you my hand, and the interior of my Alfa… a beast of a sports car, with – sadly – very little interior room for any real exposure to be undertaken. But you should hear the roar of that engine…

Happy HNT




HNTbutton


Oh, and one more for KOW...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Happy Birthday, Mum



This is my Mum and Dad’s engagement photo, so as you can imagine it’s quite a few years old (don’t you just love Mum’s beauty spot?). Dad died nearly 7 years ago, but today is Mum’s 75th Birthday. What’s a man to say, except Happy Birthday, Mum!

Some years ago, there was an incident involving me, my sister, her 4th husband and the Mafia (yes, really – and Big Lou wasn’t involved) which resulted in me losing an enormous amount of money and almost going bankrupt. Believe me, it’s a long story, but consequently I ceased contact with my entire family for about 6 years. During that time, my father died in hospital of cancer, and I wasn’t told until about a week after he was buried. I was devastated, and for a period I think I hated all of them for being so unbelievably cruel.

A few years later, during the period of my marriage break-up, I attended a conference at Cambridge University, and remember sitting in my room one day, feeling more desperate than I ever would have thought possible. At that moment, and after 6 years of silence, I knew I needed to speak to my mother. I don’t think I’d ever felt that need before, but I acknowledged it for what it was and, with a sense of trepidation, dialled her number. It took me three attempts, as it was so long since I’d called her that I kept getting the number wrong, but finally she answered the phone. At the sound of her voice, I started to cry, and didn’t stop for about 45 minutes. In fact, this memory is so strong that – typing this – my eyes are welling up again.

Mum just listened, and did her best to offer some comfort, and I went round to see her a couple of days later when I got back to London. I can only say that calling her was the best thing I’ve ever done (okay, one of the best things I’ve ever done). We’re closer than we’ve ever been, and I love her to bits. We’ve learnt not to talk of the past, and just to enjoy the present, because that’s the only way it can work for us. And I regret those years when, to all intents and purposes, I had no family.

So, once again, Mum… Happy Birthday. I love you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

No going back

It always seems to be the way… that, for some unknown reason, a set of circumstances will transpire to occur together, or a number of unrelated events will suddenly all fall into place and get you thinking that there is such a thing as divine intervention after all. Coincidence, or fate?

Well, to a lesser extent, I was only recently reading another lovely post from KD about what (for me, at least) is an almost constant conflict between heart and head, between instinct and reason. My life has certainly been interesting, but whether anyone would – with the benefit of hindsight – say that I’ve always acted rationally is another matter. But I’ll always be a person who responds to feelings… it’s the way I want to be, and I’m quite prepared to suffer whatever consequences come my way. It’s important to be true to yourself.

So, an email from C arrived early this morning, in response to mine sent just before I went to bed last night. I wasn’t pushy, and I didn’t ask anything particularly profound. I just wanted to know where we stood, and whether there was any kind of parity between what we were feeling for, or about, each other. Well, it seems that I should have paid more heed to what I knew all along, if I’m honest… try as you might, you can’t go back. There was a moment, all those months ago, when something special happened. But through accident or design it was only a moment. A snapshot in time, since which so much has happened and so much has changed. And what she wants to do now is to apply reason to something that I want to be instinctive. To be careful, to be measured… to follow her head. What I wanted was to follow my heart.

I’ll let her know how I feel later this evening, and then retreat to momentarily lick my wounds. There are some good things to come out of today, though… the Boss suit looked wicked, and my new keyboard got fitted to my laptop. Oh, and I think I’m in with a shout for the project I’m after. All in all, then, not such a bad day. And hey, if relationships were easy there’d be fuck all to blog about.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Ouch 2

Well it’s a big day tomorrow, and it’s necessitated the first shirt-ironing of the New Year as I have a meeting with a potential client to go to. It’s between me and one other guy and if I’m successful it’ll mean three days work each week for the next three months. Not at a particularly good rate, but to be honest I wanted to get the first one under my belt, and the last thing I was going to do was price myself out of it. I’ve also decided to get my new Hugo Boss suit out of the wardrobe… the last time I wore it was at the fateful wedding when I fell asleep and woke up when everyone else had left. So… wish me luck because I will be one very unhappy Blogger if I don’t get it.

I’m just about recovered from this morning’s trip to the dentist, too. Some time ago I badly cracked one of my back teeth eating some kind of nut or other that had the density of rock. Or something much, much denser than rock. Anyway, today (after much wringing of the nurses hand) the root was whipped out. I was in fucking agony but managed to get some mega painkillers from the local pharmacy this afternoon, so hopefully I’ll get a decent night’s sleep tonight and look nice and chirpy for tomorrow. (Okay, unlikely.)

I haven’t called or emailed C just yet. I keep getting strange texts that, whilst not being quite monosyllabic, are not dissimilar to the “Hello” of yesterday. I’m beginning to seriously believe that I’m a nut-job magnet.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Confused, London

Apologies for being a little lax in my reading and commenting over the last couple of days… I was somewhat diverted in terms of my blog-time, but will be playing catch-up properly later today. No more snow since yesterday morning so I think I’ll try to get a bit of shopping done too… I found a hole in my favourite black jumper last night and I need an emergency replacement. (I spend most of my life in black for some reason or another.) By the way, I quite fancy one of those low turtle (NOT polo) necks… are they a bit naff?

Anyway, last night’s date, then… I drove over to C’s house in the early evening and then we went back up to North London for a drink and something to eat. Conversation was pretty easy, the food was good, it was a nice restaurant… really everything was fine. But it was the strangest feeling as if neither of us really knew what was going on. We didn’t even understand if we were on a date, or just catching up since we last saw each other.

We left the restaurant at around 11.45. Although C was getting texts from her daughter jokingly asking her why she was coming back home, I knew that I had to give us both time to think about what we felt, and whether this was going to be something we pursue in a romantic sense. And the truth is, even this morning I really didn’t know. C say’s that she feels we need to communicate more, and “properly”. I agree with her, although communication isn’t something I ordinarily find difficult. It just shows though, that you can’t take anything for granted.

I’m going to go for a run now because normally when I run I achieve some kind of clarity of thought. I have a feeling that this might be an exception and that I’ll need to just make a decision – give it a go or accept that too much time has passed and move on. And of course C will no doubt be thinking along the same lines.

Oh dear.


Update: I received a text this evening... it said "Hello".

Oh dear again.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Friday, January 06, 2006

Ouch

I have a headache tonight, and so am just going to use my post to send some messages to various people. You’ll have to forgive me – I promise to do better next time.

To C – can’t wait to eat see you tomorrow. Don’t worry, leave the arrangements to me (bless…).

To Zooz – sorry if I was a bit brusque. I can’t even blame it on PMT (okay PMS).

To Mystery Blogger – so that’s what you sound like :-)

To J’s G – your comments aren’t working, and I think you need to set your blog to accept all comments (including anonymous) and take off word verification. I was trying to say that you’re using a Typepad adaptation that would be a nightmare to convert to three-column. Also you need to resize the banner image to 760x200 and set the width of your profile picture to around 150.

To everyone – sorry, but it looks like Videocode.ORG is down which is why the music isn’t working. It was/is a track from one of my fav’s though (Tricky).

Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend and gets up to as much mischief as humanly possible. I know I will ;-)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT 14

I was just sitting in the office, minding my own business, when it occurred to me that it was gone midninght. In other words, thursday. And as my daughter always reminds me, that means I have to do that Thursday thing, although with just my phone on the desk, and feeling pretty lazy, I took the easy option and decided on a shot of my Levis and, errr... my feet. Well, I was going to leave it there, but a pang of conscience soon had me whipping off the jeans and exposing the full extent of the WDKY legs to the world at large. Admittedly, they're just a normal pair of legs, but I've always been quite attached to them.

Happy HNT, everyone.



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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Random thoughts 13

Well, my new career has started, officially, and it’s… well, quiet. At least for now, as I’m waiting for a post-holiday meeting to pin down the job that’s being proposed for this and next month. And I’m about to do something for M today (just in case you’re reading – I’ve been finishing off my work for the ex-employer, so excuse the short delay) and tidy up some of the documents that I’ve been putting together for future use. All in all, a nice situation to be in, but here’s to my first fee account of the year!

Yesterday, I spoke to C on the telephone, and I have to admit that she seemed rather pleased that I’d suggested our dinner date. I’m going to just take things as they come, without too much expectation or assumption, but at least I’ve acted on the feelings that had been simmering for so long. At the same time, I cleared things up with Cute Lawyer – in fact, I was very honest about what was going on, and she was very appreciative of that, saying some lovely things by way of goodbye. A moral there, of course, although I made a decision a long time ago that I’m always going to be scrupulously honest with anyone that I may be seeing.

So, that’s it really… HNT tomorrow, and for now just another little poem from Rumi. It’s called “I Swear”.

I swear, since seeing your face,
the whole world is fraud and fantasy.
The garden is bewildered as to what is leaf
or blossom. The distracted birds
can’t distinguish the birdseed from the snare.

A house of love with no limits,
a presence more beautiful than Venus or the moon,
a beauty whose image fills the mirror of the heart.

Monday, January 02, 2006

I smell danger

I’ve been thinking about her – C, that is – for a long, long time. We only went out once, but as dates go it was really quite… something (well, you only have to follow the link in my last post to understand what I mean by that, I suppose) . And since then, month after month, I’ve been wondering why I let her slip through my fingers. And if I’m honest I’d have to say that she gave me every chance to change my mind. If you were to ask me why I didn’t, I’d say to you that I have no idea. But the truth is, I do have an idea. I smell danger.

Anyway, I was chatting to Zooz today, and she told me that I have to get in touch with her. Because, otherwise, I’d never know. And so, some time today when I gathered myself sufficiently, I sent her an email, just to tell her how much I’ve been thinking about her, and to thank her for keeping in touch. Oh, and to ask her if she’d have dinner with me.

She said…


Yes.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Plus ca change

I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I feel very different. It’s… well, it’s Sunday. I’ve just watched a movie (and, I admit, cried at the end, but only for a minute) and now I’m posting on my blog. A pretty seamless transition into 2006, all in all.

Last night I went over to Cute Lawyer for dinner and to see the New Year in. I met her two beautiful daughters, but only as a “friend” of their Mum… I was completely captivated by them, though, especially the younger one, who’s seven, and who kind of took to me as soon as I walked through the door. We ended up doing handstands for some reason, and had a great meal, lots of wine, and then some champagne as the clock struck midnight.

If I were to be entirely honest I’d have to say that I’m not entirely convinced that she’s the woman for me. Not that there’s anything tangible wrong more that I just don’t feel… hmmm. Something. That thing that makes us tingle when we first meet someone. And – at the same time – I’ve come to realise that I let someone go a while back who I should have realised was very, very special. Remember the post about an amazing girl I called “C”? I can’t seem to get her out of my mind, and she’s made a point of keeping in touch over the last few months, including a really sweet Christmas card on top of the emails and texts. I don’t know for sure what this will mean in terms of consequences, but I’m going to give it some thought and then do whatever my heart, as opposed to my head, tells me is right.

At the same time, GG has started another psycho email offensive. She alternates between telling me what a disappointment I’ve proven to be and then implying that I’m her soulmate, the love of her life. And apparently I feel the same weay, but I’m too frightened to admit it. This one, the fourth tonight, hit my inbox as I was staring to type this post…
“An hour of silence… or a night of gorgeous sex…before you taste another woman… I still have your taste in my mouth…do you have mine in yours?

I’d love to lavish your cock again once more. I know all the skin, all the wrinkles… and see your beautiful house one last time… I feel you are my true love….my only one in this earth, past or future…

I am so truly sad... Do you believe in fate?”
Sorry if that was a bit explicit, but it's what I have to read when I check my mail. I mean, for fuck sake, give me a break! I think it would have been advantageous not to have behaved like a complete lunatic from hell, GG, in retrospect. N’est pas?

I hope you all had a great time over the New Year, anyway... I have a strong feeling that 2006 is going to be an important year, for some reason. Lot's of us seem to have reached some kind of watershed in our lives, and it'll be interesting to look back this time next year... I wonder what we'll be feeling. I hope we're all in a good place, though.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Out with the old

Amazing, isn’t it, how Christmas just… comes and goes. The stores put their displays up as early as September these days, and then the weeks (months) are spent thinking about it, planning for it, and shopping before it arrives.

And after the presents are unwrapped, the turkey eaten or put in the fridge for later, it’s like one of those summer holidays that seem like a vague memory as soon as you step off the plane, exchanging the hot sun, soft white sand and sisters from Scotland that take you under their wing, for the grey skies and drizzle that are somehow comforting, like being back in your own bed. For home.

Sometimes, but not often, my entire life seems to feel that way… as if I’m sharing someone else’s experiences but can’t quite feel them as if they were my own. A kind of disconnect somewhere. It doesn’t worry me too much, because I believe in looking forward, but I do wonder, now and again, what the boy who I once was would have thought of the man I am now. Would he have tried to change the course of events that have led to the here and now, or just sat back and enjoyed the ride? I'm so different to that boy now, I really don't think that I know the answer.

This will probably be my last post before the New Year, and I wanted to say how lucky (and grateful) I am to have stumbled across you guys out there. It’s strange but, in less “virtual” circumstances, I suspect many of us would become friends in a very real sense. And it makes the time spent writing, reading and commenting very worthwhile.

Happy New Year to all of you, and may 2006 be a wonderful one… a year that we all remember for the positive things that happen to and around us, and one that we spend looking - and moving - forward. Best to leave the past where it is.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

HNT 13

I was just sitting here, the house quiet, Lola asleep on the sofa next to me. No more emails to answer, the latest episode of Threshold watched, and the plates from dinner in the dishwasher waiting for the morning when they'll be joined by a cereal bowl and a coffee cup or two. Nothing obvious left to do before bed, but something, something, wasn't right.

And then I realised. It was coming up to midnight... to HNT. No new pictures, and my camera battery stubbornly refusing to charge. So I checked out Osbasso’s site, just to make sure we were back to normal this week, and guess what? He wants us to pick out our favourite shot from our own HNT archives, and post it agin, with an explanation as to why we've chosen it. Praise the Lord!

So, here it is then... HNT #1 and possibly my bravest contribution to date. Picked for just those reasons, which both seem pretty good to me, but reproduced with a little less manipulation this time around!

Happy HNT.



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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A good Christmas

Well, I knew the present situation was going to be a disaster! No tree meant I had to leave them at the bottom of the kid’s beds but I thought I was relatively safe (I’d watched a couple of late movies and so didn’t venture into their rooms until about 3am). As I crept past S’s bed, carefully ensuring that there was no rustling of wrapping paper, he sat bolt upright and looked at me. “Has Father Christmas been yet, Daddy?” I froze to the spot, unable to hide the armful of presents or escape his room in time, but he just lay back down again and was fast asleep before I’d taken another step. Then, in the morning, O disappeared into the office with a handful or wrapping paper, and proceeded to carry out a detailed pen and handwriting analysis. She called me in after about 10 minutes and said “I know it’s you, Dad” and with that one sentence 11 years of fairy tales and mythology went straight down the toilet. Oh well… they went off with their Mum at around 1pm (not so bad… but I miss the old Christmases we used to have, badly), and I drove over to my Mum for a lovely Christmas dinner and an evening of crap TV and the usual banter with my brother, who drove up from Brighton for the day and then drove back down again later that night.

Our little holiday was brilliant… we arrived in Brighton on Boxing Day at around mid-day, checked into our hotel, and then went over to Bro’s house where I cooked dinner for everyone and we watched some TV and just chilled. In the evening we went back over to the hotel and sat in the bar paying Cranium (Cadoo, the kid’s version) and drinking into the early hours. Then, yesterday morning, Bro met us in the restaurant for breakfast and afterwards we went off to Brighton Pier, scene of many a landmark moment in the life of WDKY and one of my favourite places to take the children during the summer holidays each year. Mind you, it was snowing and bloody cold, although it didn’t stop us having a whale of a time.

After the pier we had some time to hang out back at the house and then we went to see King Kong, which starred one of my favourite actresses (Naomi Watts – remember her in Mullholland Drive?) and some guy who I think I saw recently in Jacket and who seems destined to become a bit of a heart-throb. Actually, I thought it was really good, and although it went on for about three hours the kids stayed awake and thoroughly enjoyed it. Bro met up with us afterwards, we went out for some dinner, and I was back home last night by ten, with the children tucked up in their own beds minutes later.

So… a good Christmas. Not perfect, but the kind of Christmas that many, many people with far less than I have would be thankful for. And, in truth that’s what I was. Thankful for what I have.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Bitter sweet

I’m very much aware that, although it might seem that I share some extremely personal aspects of my life with the world at large, a substantial part of that life, and who I am, remains private. Or, at least, has remained private to date.

For now, I think I’ll leave it that way, but I will touch upon something of my past in saying that the last couple of years have been, at times, incredibly difficult for a host of reasons, not least of which has been the need to somehow adapt to having my children with me for only half of each week. The nights I stay in our house alone are often spent trying to sleep in the almost tangible stillness. A stillness that seems to somehow dissipate when I know that those two little bodies, breathing softly and often covered in a little layer of sweat as they snuggle under their duvets, are just a few inches from me on the other side of my bedroom wall.

This life isn’t one that I would have chosen for us. My marriage, whilst not perfect in every way, was one that I believed to be solid, and I’d reached a stage in my life where I loved to be home, to do those simple things that we all have to do just to keep things going day to day. When that ended, it hit me harder than I imagined anything could, and quite a few months living on vodka and tranquilisers are certainly testament to the frailty that’s to be found even in those of us who think we somehow possess superhuman strength.

Well, a lot of things have happened in those two years, and my life now is very different, and for the most part as happy as I could ever have hoped it would be. Saying goodbye to my children on Christmas day, though, and watching them leave knowing that this Christmas – and all the others from now on – is one that I’ll only share a part of with them, still hurts, and always will. So, I’m dedicating this post in the same way as I’ve dedicated my life… to my children, and their happiness, not just over Christmas, but always. They don’t define who I am, but they do represent everything that’s important to me, and the main reason that I’m proud of the person that I've grown to be. Far from perfect, but at least heading in the right direction.

I’ll try to keep track of all the blogs I normally read over the next couple of days, but I know it’ll be difficult, so I’ll take this opportunity to wish everyone out there a really wonderful holiday, and sign off with an extract from The Little Book of Buddhism, written by none other than the Dalai Lama, and given to me as a present by a woman with whom I very nearly had something quite special, and might have done had our lives been a little more aligned than they proved to be…

A blossoming tree becomes bare and stripped in autumn. Beauty changes into ugliness, youth into old age, and fault into virtue. Things do not remain the same and nothing really exists. Thus appearances and emptiness exist simultaneously.


Thanks for the lovely comments, everyone

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Excitement at Chez WDKY

What an exciting day. The guy that’s been doing my printing just turned up with about 15 boxes… letterhead, brochures, report covers, compliment slips, business cards and flyers. The smell of all the paper is just gorgeous, and I now feel that the launch project is… well, complete. All on time, and just slightly over budget.

The news yesterday was that it looks like I have my first job, a kind of interim management role that involves carrying out a management audit and then putting a change strategy together. I need to sit down with the client – who I know, as he was trying to employ me direct earlier this year – but it looks like it may well take me through January and February for three or four days a week, and if that’s the case it’ll give me my revenue target up to the end of March. Anyway, time will tell and I’ll be hoping to get a contract in place before the end of the year. It’s so fucking exciting!!!

I also spoke to my bro today… he was coming up from Brighton for a couple of days over Christmas and I was planning to do some cooking on Boxing Day, but it seems that he can’t get anyone to feed the cats. By some miracle, I managed to get me and the kids booked into a hotel for the night, so we’re going down there instead, to skim pebbles on the beach and play on the pier. I proposed to my ex on Brighton pier, as it happens… mind you, I then pulled a muscle on one of the rides, and in hindsight that might have been something of an omen.

And still no tree – can you believe that? I’ve told the kids that Santa will either leave their presents by the fireplace or – if they’re really good – he may even leave them at the bottom of their beds. They’re completely overcome with excitement at the prospect, and I’ll just have to make sure I don’t trip over anything as I’m doing my Father Christmas impression. Somehow I think it might give the game away.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Weird things

Okay… I’ve been multiple-tagged, so here are 5 weird-ish things about me. I won’t prolong the chain as I think everyone’s had a go by now, and anyway, I don’t know who likes being tagged and who doesn’t.
  1. Although I chose to have a tattoo, I have an almost pathological fear of needles. The last time I went to have an insurance medical, I said to the consultant “Before you start, there are two things I need to tell you. One – there’s no way I’m having a blood test. And two – your finger’s not going anywhere near my arse.” He thought I was a lunatic.
  2. I like eggs, but only if I cover them with tomato ketchup. I would throw up without it, although years ago – after watching Rocky, I think – I went through quite a long spell of eating a raw egg (with pepper and Tabasco) for breakfast.
  3. I can't drink water out of a cup... it seems to taste vile, even if it's straight from a bottle. It has to be in a glass, and the glass has to be spotlessly clean. And I can't drink coffee out of a dark-coloured mug - I have no idea what that's all about, so don't ask me.
  4. I’m a compulsive tidyer. Sometimes it’s quite embarrassing, because people who come round think I’ve done it just for them. In fact, I generally go over the entire house a couple of times a week, including loos I hasten to add. You could eat off them, although I wouldn’t really recommend it.
  5. I get pisseed very quickly on beer, but can happily drink vodka all night without any sign of being inebriated. I can also do tequila quite impressively, and once had 14 slammers whilst remaining sober. Well, standing.
So… there you have it. And I’m in a very, very good mood at the moment, as it happens, because it looks like I’ve had a brilliant piece of news about the new company. I’ll know tomorrow, and don’t want to jinx it just yet…

Monday, December 19, 2005

All I want for Christmas...

Well, I seem to have a bit of a problem with my Christmas tree, in that… well, there aren’t any left. At least, if there are, I can’t seem to find them. It’s my own fault, because I was going to get one on Saturday and then again on Sunday, but life just got in the way. I’m going to have another try tomorrow, because I’m off to hang some pictures for Mum following the redecoration of her flat (that’s “apartment” for you foreigners) and then have a bite to eat with her. I’m not going to panic just yet, but the kids will string me up by the whatsits if I don’t manage to find one.

My cute lawyer (CL) called me today, and it seems that she had a similar view about our date to mine… phew! We’ve made arrangements to see each other again on Friday, and I’m really looking forward to it… there’s a kind of “normality” about it after the weirdo’s I seem to have hooked up with of late, so I’m really going to keep my fingers crossed. And not try to get inside her knickers (ahem) for at least another couple of dates :-)

As for BR, I must admit a bit of a frolic would be fun, but if I’m seeing someone else it’s absolutely out of the question (unfortunately). And I have a suspicion that the general consensus of opinion might be spot on, and that she wants a little more than a frolic. Naughty girl.

So, to what I want for Christmas, then. It’s not a lot to ask of Santa, I wouldn’t have thought… I mean, you’d get a bit of change from £200,000 if you were to actually buy it. I give you, then… the Aston Martin Vanquish.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

A date, an email, and one happy guy

I had a date last night, a lawyer of 40 who lives in north London and works as a Company Secretary for a merchant bank in the West End. She’s Indian (I will admit quite openly that I have a bit of a “thing” about Indian girls), really lovely company, and has a face that I had an urge to kiss all night.

We met in a newly refurbished gastro-pub in Crouch End (one of my favourite areas, kind of bohemian and a bit arty, but not too pretentious) that was recommended to me by one of Zooz’s daughters. I hadn’t been there before, but it was perfect… a really nice ambience, not too bright with lots of soft, moody lighting and full of big, soft leather sofas to sit on. The restaurant was equally good, with a great menu and excellent service.

We arrived at 8.30 and didn’t leave until 1am, hardly realising that all the chairs around us had been stacked on the tables. The conversation was really easy, and it felt like we were just skimming the surface and that it was just going to get better the longer we spent together. After we left I walked her back to her car and asked her if I should call her after the weekend. And then we just kissed and she said “You’d better!” Her lips were full and soft, and I just thought “Mmmmmm”…

I got back home at about 1.30 and saw I had a few emails waiting. Ironically, one of them was from BR, who I’d emailed a day or two ago, just to make sure she was okay with what had happened between us. I would have hated for there to have been any misunderstanding, and I just wanted her to know that I hadn’t taken what happened for granted in any way. Her mail, though, was a surprise, and I went to bed feeling kind of happy with life whilst wondering quite how to respond…

Hi WDKY

Just got in and it was a lovely surprise hearing from you.

I soooo enjoyed last week and thought you were an interesting and very sensuous guy. I feel we have lots in common even though you're not into hip hop!

I certainly felt I wanted to see more of you and you never know where things may lead. Whether we could be boy/girl friend is in the lap of the gods. I never look ahead with romantic encounters but just experience what the moment has to offer.

You are a wondrous lover and a very sensitive man (please note… Ed). I believe we could have lots of fun. Your sense of humour is wicked and I adore your little pussy cat!!

Why not come over to chez BR one evening and just live in the moment -

that's the only reality you know.............

In fact, wish I was with you right now xx


You’ll have to excuse the fact that – other than for our names – I posted that completely unedited, but a little self-promotion is allowed in the run-up to Christmas, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m off for a run now, then I have to sort out Mum’s new TV for her (she’s done something to the colour balance and doesn’t know how to adjust it again) and get our Christmas tree… the kids are going to help decorate it this evening. Busy day, but I feel content with the world, and my place in it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Freedom

Today, the kids at the school were all performing their carol concert for whichever parents reckoned they could withstand the cacophony of noise that represents the height of the little darling's blossoming musical prowess. Out of tune and out of time, somehow these concerts still manage to be an experience I wouldn’t miss, and today was no exception. Both of mine were near the front, and (whilst I knew I really shouldn't) I had them in hysterics most of the time, although they just about managed to pull it off without upsetting any of the staff or getting one of those looks from the headmaster.

It got me thinking about when S, the younger of the two at eight and a half, was a toddler and first started performing in school plays. He’d always look for me in the audience and wave, but on one occasion he got a little carried away and started blowing me kisses from the stage. He was so involved in what he was doing that he forgot that he was also supposed to be delivering his lines, and instead just carried on, putting his little hand to his mouth and then thrusting it in my direction, completely oblivious to everything going on around him…

Anyway, today he blew me a kiss again as he was filing out, and I realised that he’s still just the same little boy. I know it won’t last forever, but I’m going to enjoy every second of it. And try not to think about his sister blushing when any of the older boys walk past her, or going up to her bedroom before we go out to put on her nail varnish or her body spray (I got her some new ones the other day and you’d think she’d won the lottery) and generally getting… well, older. I remember a quote from Bruce Willis when he was asked by an interviewer how he would cope when his daughter started dating boys. He said “When the first one turns up at the door I’ll just punch him in the mouth and hope that word gets around!” ROFL!!

So, today was also memorable for being my last working day as an employee, and it felt fucking wonderful. I got to the office at around lunchtime, and spent the next couple of hours drinking Guinness in the pub around the corner. I’m not really sure where the afternoon went, but the meetings earlier this week had gone really well, so there was no pressure today at all. And no regrets either… I couldn’t wait to get out of the door this evening.

A good day, then. And now I’m off to catch up on what’s been going on out there, and make up for the few days I’ve been unable to read and comment. Thanks for all your kind words following HNT, and have great weekends.

PS I just noticed that I've been tagged by Annalis, and whilst I don't normally respond I'm going to make an exception this time. It'll have to be tomorrow, though.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

HNT 12

Well, I must say thank you for all those inspirational comments. I got through today, not quite with flying colours but well enough. … Mind you, I had two hours sleep last night, and have just finished work tonight in preparation for my last ever meeting as a ****** ******* employee tomorrow. I hand my laptop and phone back on Friday, and then I’m just going to look forward to the holiday and not even think about anything else for a week or two.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago my daughter, O, asked me if I had a picture for “that Thursday thing” and then asked if she could take another one of my tattoo. Now, I’m not one to disappoint my children, so here’s another example of her excellent photographic technique! And, with that, I’m going to get myself ready for bed and try to get a little more sleep tonight than I managed yesterday. Oh, and have a very happy HNT :-)



Check out what all the fuss is about here...

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Apologies

It's not that I've lost interest, or that I can't be bothered, but I'm really struggling to find the time to post or comment on other blogs this week. The truth is, I've got myself in a little bit of trouble.

I'm in my last week proper of salaried employment (then I'm on annual leave for the rest of December) and the chickens seem to have well and truly come home to roost. I've completely neglected the project I should have been working on over the last month as I've been concentrating on setting up the new company (and, admittedly, fast losing interest anyway) and I learnt this afternoon that I have a pretty high-powered meeting to bluff my way through tomorrow, and then a higher-powered still meeting with the prospective client on Thursday. And they're a bit too smart for me to get away with bluffing. I'm going to make an absolute prat of myself.

So, I guess it means a couple of late nights (it's about midnight here at the moment, and I have at least 2 hours work to do before bed) and no doubt some work over the weekend. It'll teach me a lesson, but even as I saw the danger signals I was incapable of doing anything about it. I JUST WANT OUT.

Well, as panicking is unlikely to help I'm just going to accept the deep pile of shit that I've buried myself in and face the consequences. I blame you lot, anyway, for getting me addicted to this blogging business in the first place!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Something of a confession

First of all, thanks for all the kind wishes with regard to the explosion in Hemel Hempstead. We’re not close enough to have been in any danger, but there’s something slightly weird in being pretty adjacent to an event that achieves global news coverage… and the skies were very dark indeed. Anyway, we’re all fine, and the wind seems to have shifted today because the plume is heading off in the other direction.

Right then. Saturday night… all started normally enough, other than the fact that BR parked her car at my house as it was en route to the restaurant that we were eating at. I had a bit of a chuckle at her parking as I stood at the door (so shoot me!) and then she came in and we had a glass of wine and talked for a while. She was… nice, but I knew immediately this wasn’t going to be a romance. But I thought it had potential to be a fun evening, and that was fine.

We left for the restaurant about half an hour later, and had a great meal. She was very tactile (my hands, arms and legs all got a bit of a feel at the table) and she kept making sexy eyes at me over dinner. At one point I burst out laughing and asked what “that look” meant, and she just grinned back at me. She was certainly funny, though, and we had a really good time. I drove us back to mine, asked her if she wanted a quick coffee, and assumed she’d be gone within the hour. Honestly.

The thing is, as we were sitting having a drink on the sofa, albeit slightly more alcoholic than coffee, her hand kept moving between her legs, and all the while her pupils were getting bigger and bigger. The conversation became a little more… personal, and then she just stopped talking and stared at me, her hand resting where it had been wandering moments before. “Looking at me like that isn’t going to get you anywhere…what is it you want from me?” I asked her.

“I just want to live for the moment. Fuck me” she said, without batting an eyelid. And we decided there and then that that’s all it was going to be. Two adults, no ties, and an immediacy about the need we felt. That was around midnight, and she left some time after 4.30 having had what she claimed to be the fuck of her life (I bet she say’s that to all the boys). I must have fallen asleep around 5, slept through three large explosions that woke up entire families 40-50 miles away, and then got up thinking it was just another Sunday.

And here’s the thing. I’m not stupid, and I know what and who I am. I’m no Greek god; I’m just a normal looking guy, a bit shorter than average, who happens to be able to engage with women, on all levels, more easily than most guys seem to do. But every time I take someone out, they just want to drag me into bed for some marathon shagging session, and I genuinely don’t understand what it’s all about. If I did know, I’d try to do something to stop it, because it’s slightly weird and I don’t seem to put up enough resistance.

Oh well. It could be worse, of course. At least it’s women.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Not just another Sunday

"A series of large explosions at a fuel depot which injured 43 people has been described as the 'largest incident of its kind in peacetime Europe'.

The three blasts near Hemel Hempstead were so powerful they rocked houses up to 40 miles away and were heard in Holland.

More than 60 billion gallons of fuel erupted in a ball of flames hundreds of feet in the sky, creating an acrid cloud of smoke which is stretching for miles and moving south-eastwards."


Well, I've got no idea if this has made the news stateside, but Hemel Hempstead is about 12 or 13 miles from me, and from my upstairs window I've been able to make out the plume of smoke rising from the fire at ground level quite clearly. The skies have been a dark grey as far as the eye can see, and the air, whilst not having any discernible smell, has been heavy. Everyone around here has headaches, and many are feeling sick.

And, as you would expect, people have actually been having fights in local petrol stations as they queue to fill up their tanks, even though they've been told categorically that there isn't going to be a petrol shortage. Amazing.

I was fast asleep through all of the blasts, which occurred between 6 and 6.30am, even though they were loud enough to be clearly heard in mainland Europe. I had a bit of a wild time last night, and having finally drifted off at around 5 I awoke at 10 and wandered downstairs to make a coffee. When my ex phoned to ask me what I thought about "the explosion" I had no idea whatsoever as to what she was talking about.

How embarrassing is that?

P.S. I'll reveal a little more (maybe even a lot more) about last night... tomorrow. I'm still in recovery.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Re-engagement

What a strange mood I’ve been in… I can’t quite explain it, but it’s as if the world has been going on around me for the last couple of days, and I haven’t been fully… engaged. Maybe I’ve had a bit of a bug, maybe it’s just the whole GG thing, I don’t really know, to be honest.

I feel like I’m about to reach another watershed in my life. The work situation is a part of it, but really it just symbolises a decision making process that’s been going on for some time. A need to escape the conformity of what I was doing, surrounded by men in grey suits, files stacked up on their desks, thinking nothing of working 18 hour days to further the corporate aim. I have this need to be an individual in a world where too many people want to be anonymous.

More than that, though, I’ve taken the opportunity to re-evaluate my principles, and the things that are important to me. This is nothing new, but the last email I received from GG was a kind of polite character assassination… a knife hidden beneath the folds of a silk scarf, and as she carefully dissected me I hardly felt the blade cut my skin. It was that sharp. Looking back, this is an occasion – unlike some from the depths of my past – when I feel that I acted properly and have absolutely nothing to feel uncomfortable or guilty about. I’m not prepared to take someone else’s problems and make them my own. Life is tough enough without that crap.

Anyway, I think I’m going to enjoy the weekend… the kids are sleeping in my bed, I’ve just had an email from BR confirming our arrangements for tomorrow, and on Sunday I’m going to escape to the fantasy world of Narnia with a bag of popcorn and maybe some cheese nachos. And I’ll catch up on all those blogs I enjoy so much. I’m just going to have a... “normal” weekend.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

HNT 11

Okay, I'll be honest with you. I've had a really busy week, and for the last two days, on and off, I've had a blinding headache. Where am I going with this? Well, this week I didn't get around to playing with my camera. Sorry.

So, what you are now bearing witness to is the consequence of a very hot summer in Tenerife. No, I wasn't pointing at anything, and yes, the sandals are a bit naff. But hey, I was on holiday.

Happy HNT

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Not quite according to plan

I shouldn’t be here, writing this post, of course. I should be out with the lovely BR, drinking vino collapso and wondering what sagas are heading my way as a consequence of my apparent inability to take the intended dating sabbatical.

Unfortunately, she has a cold and a temperature, and we’ve postponed our date until Saturday. In fact, I was at a restaurant with M (remember M?) amongst other people when she texted me to say she might not be able to come out. The message tone on my mobile appeared to cause some amusement, and I explained that it was my intended date for tonight getting in touch. M said “Oh, the blond” and gave me a knowing look. I forget sometimes that I’m not quite as anonymous as I once was!

At least it’s all quiet on the GG front. Well, not entirely as I got a very, very, very long email last night in which my character was clinically and completely assassinated. Then she finished with “I would like to thank you for all the joy you brought to my life…”. Errmm, yes, GG. You’re welcome.

Anyway, I found this little delight while I was surfing blogs the other day, and now I can’t remember where I found it. Sorry if I haven’t given you credit, but it does make you think twice about organic food, doesn’t it. Oh, you need to click on the image to get some live action.

Right, I’m off to watch some football.

(Edit/PS After hours of playing with this bloody typepad code, I've finally managed to change the way the comments are presented on the page. Hopefully they're a little more legible now.)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Random thoughts 12

Well, my prayers have been answered. Peace has finally descended on Chez WDKY, with only the sound of my latest DCD album to break what would otherwise be almost complete silence (“almost complete” because the dishwasher’s gently whirring in the background). No text messages, no phone calls. I’ve been thinking back over the whole relationship thing with GG, and have realised that, yet again, I should have gone with my intuition. The older I get, the more I understand that what I feel is more important than what I think. Or, at least, more reliable.

Anyway, tomorrow I have a date. I didn’t really intend it to happen, but kind of got caught up in it, and now, I admit, I’m getting quite excited. And I don’t mean haven’t-had-sex-for-nearly-a-month excited, I mean I’m genuinely looking forward to it. Today, she (I’m going to call her BR, for “Blond Recruiter”. Not that she recruits blonds, more that she is blond, and she recruits) sent me an email that just said “You make me feel so good xx”, and I really thought that was sweet. She makes me feel good too, so we’ll see how it goes.

Now, I know that the one thing readers of this blog have been waiting for with a degree of expectation is a photo of my new cupboards actually placed in the office I have at home. Well, wait no longer. Please note, however, the less than subtle variation in colour between cupboards and desk. Grrrr.

The kids are beside themselves with excitement at the fact that we now have a stationery cupboard in the house. Yesterday, I came downstairs and overheard O (daughter, 11) explaining to S (son, 8) what he was allowed to take without having to ask Dad first. The fact that she was talking in a barely audible whisper seemed to suggest that she realised there was something very slightly illicit about it all, and it seemed to me that her list included pretty much anything in there. But they looked so beautiful kneeling by the cupboard with their little heads almost inside it that I really couldn’t care less. They love to draw and to write, and its just a pleasure to make them so happy. God, I do love them…

Sunday, December 04, 2005

GG. Oh, and a footnote about Emma

Well, I know I should probably post something of an update on the ongoing saga of GG, and it started at around 10.00 this morning when I got the first of 11 texts in less than three hours. I’m not even going to bore you by telling you what they said. Suffice it to say that if my mobile phone wasn’t brand new, and if it didn’t have a 2 megapixel camera, and if it didn’t synch with Microsoft Outlook… well, it would have been in the bin by lunch time.

So, after a brief chat with Zooz, I decided that the time had come to send GG "the email"… just to let her know I wasn’t amused, and letting her know that enough was enough. This was what I said, anyway, and no – I couldn’t bring myself to be rude to her, I’m afraid.
GG

I'm really sorry that you're finding things difficult at the moment. Whilst I feel for you, and I'm sad that the situation has become so confused, by the same token I have to focus on the things that I've mentioned to you previously. For that reason, I'm asking you to stop texting and calling me. I really don't want this to spoil my memory of the time we spent together, which it will do if things continue as they are. I'm afraid this contact between us must stop now.

I hope you'll respect what I'm asking you, and I hope you keep well, flourish with your photography and continue to enjoy your life generally.

WDKY

Now, any normal person would no doubt have read it, taken in what was being asked, and accepted that all good things must come to an end. Not GG, of course. Oh no, that would be much too simple. Ten minutes after hitting the send button, she left the following message on my voicemail…
“WDKY, there’s nothing I don’t love about you. I even love your stubbornness.”
Aaaaaaggghhh!!! You have to laugh though, don’t you. So, this evening I received an email, and although it wasn’t exactly black and white (in fact it was a bit too fucking ambiguous for my liking) I have a feeling that – in not replying to it – this sorry mess has reached its conclusion. Looking back, I don’t feel uncomfortable with anything I’ve done, or with any way that I’ve behaved. I guess it just goes to show how hard it is to really know someone, because of all the people I’d never have predicted that GG would induce this particluar end to our relationship. Shame.

Anyway, before I sign off for the night and record a little something for Nukie pre-deadline, Check asked what it was that Emma whispered in my ear on Friday night at the party. Actually, it was this… “I’ve never met a man like you before in my entire life. I want to eat you.” And now I intend to get just a little bit morose about it, because I really wanted her. Really wanted her.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

It's madness

It’s not easy, getting through the day on less than three hours sleep. The party, as it turned out, was excellent… notable for the fact that I told Dick’s wife in a moment of drunken honesty that he “was okay when he was pissed, but I couldn’t bear working with him”. Hmmm… probably not a good idea in retrospect. He actually revealed, believe it or not, that the two of them spend evenings at home watching a DVD of a fake log fire on their plasma TV. They also have another DVD of tropical fish swimming in fish tanks, complete with gurgling noises. Hey, it sounds wild over at Dick’s place, doesn’t it?

There was one blindingly beautiful girl at the party who was with one of the guys in my team. She was small and blond, and was wearing the sexiest little silky dress thing. Her name was Emma, she was from up North, and we talked for most of the night without even realising it. And strangely, most of the conversation was about masturbation, female sexuality, the desire for control in a relationship, male and female attitudes towards homosexuality, and various other subjects equally strange for two people who had literally just met. When I decided enough was enough at about 2.30 in the morning and said I was going to bed, she gave me a kiss and whispered the loveliest thing in my ear, leaving me – not for the first time – rueing the vagaries of timing. Because, in other circumstances… well, I just have a funny feeling about her.

Now, all this would have been fine if I wasn’t yet again besieged by text messages, and last night I actually got 23 in the space of 2 hours. In the end, I had to switch my phone to “silent” but in a way the damage had already been done as it kind of put me on edge. I’ve wanted to give you a glimpse of the telephone hell that I’m going through at the moment, and having thought long and hard about it I don’t feel that I’m being disrespectful in doing so. I mean, I’ve described so much in intimate detail already… well, here they are. All 23, in the order they were sent.

  1. we are the same
  2. you are still making love to me
  3. there are many things you haven’t explored
  4. do you feel my breast in my hand
  5. do you feel my desire
  6. I want to see your smile again
  7. my skin is burning
  8. you are strong
  9. do you like me less now
  10. I like you more
  11. do you realise we have never argued
  12. have you ever been mad at me
  13. I have never been mad at you
  14. four months tomorrow
  15. I’ve put your music away
  16. it was worth meeting you…
  17. worth the pain
  18. no-one so undemanding as me
  19. the first day you picked me up at the station…
  20. did you say you were not afraid of my sexuality
  21. you should…
  22. you might have finished it but I haven’t
  23. I felt like crying all day

It’s fucking madness. Tomorrow, though, it gets sorted once and for all.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Vodka, Dick and a very late night

I’m posting a little bit early today, as I won’t be around this evening. I have my team’s Christmas party to attend at a Hotel near Heathrow, and it’s going to be an overnighter due to the copious amounts of vodka that I’ll no doubt be consuming.

I must admit that I’m not particularly motivated by this one… I only have a couple of weeks left, taking unused leave into account, and frankly I’d be just as happy if they got on with it themselves. The only good thing is that Dick’s also coming. Now Dick and bars don’t tend to mix very well, and he invariably gets himself in a state of such complete drunkenness that he can barely speak. And when he does speak, anyone within earshot tends to cringe at the juvenile drivel that escapes his lips. Bearing in mind that I frankly couldn’t give a flying fuck what I say to him anymore, this looks like a recipe for fun!

Actually, I’ve been trying to remember if there are any babe’s worthy of mention in the team, as I doubt very much that I’ll be on my best behaviour. Unfortunately, unless there have been any new starters lately that I’ve forgotten about, my only chance of a shag will be with the staff. Naturally I’ll keep you advised of any developments in this respect…

Things were looking pretty stable on the GG front – I was going to speak to her over the weekend to make a plan to meet up some time next week – and then last night happened. Thirteen texts in the space of one hour. I’ll say that again… thirteen texts in the space of one hour. Now, I’m trying to deal with this the right way, but the chances are that if it happens again there won’t be any meeting up next week. I’ve had an interesting exchange of emails on this very subject, and will probably post about it over the weekend. In the meantime, don’t panic, Nukie. The 5th isn’t until Monday.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

HNT 10

Well, the last few shots have been becoming ever tamer, so I thought I might just start reverting a little to my earlier style and show a glimpse of flesh below the neck. And just as I was wondering what to do about it, my daughter asked if she could play with my camera while I was in the middle of my morning work-out the other day, and this is her handiwork (she's only 11, bless).

It's ironic that I was asked earlier today for a bit of bicep and forearm, because this photo was already lined up as #10. A healthy mind and a healthy body... it works for me. Happy HNT.

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